Freakin' Rican

Snow Day!!!!!

2006-02-16T09:19:00.000-06:00

Since I am from Florida, I never really got to enjoy anything like a snow day. We did have a Hurricane Day once but it ended up just being like any other day since we didn't get hit. Since I've been in the Great White North, it has snowed some days but never enough to declare an actual snow day. Well today that all changed!

I guess we are supposed to get something like 10 inches of snow before it's all said and done. I'm also excited because wifey gets the day off work. I have already gone outside and done the snow angel thing and the snowball thing with some of the neighborhood kids. However, my excitement is a little tempered since I know at the end of all this joy, this Rican is going to have to shovel his long ass driveway and the sidewalks. Man what a buzzkill.

Sidebar: While playing in the snow this morning it was actually icing (or sleet I guess). While it came down I actually heard thunder. It totally shocked me. I didn't realize it could snow/ice and thunder at the same time. Then I realized how dumb I was because snow is just like rain only it's cold so if it can thunder while it rains I'm sure it can thunder while it snows.

Sidebar II: Someone asked what happened to the toilet paper that I rolled out. Well I rolled it back up so we could use it. I'm not sure if anyone has tried this but when you try to roll TP back up it never goes back smoothly, so not only did wifey prove me right, I messed up the TP so bad that it didn't fit on the roll so it's sitting on the bathroom counter like at the gas stations.

The Toilet Roll Query

2006-02-13T09:18:00.000-06:00

I know I know it's been a while and for that I apologize. Being that I have a little one now, you'll have to forgive my transgressions. Anyways I was walking in the aisles of Target yesterday with wifey when we came up to the toilet paper aisle. She went to get the double roll (you know the one, it says 12 big rolls equals the same as 24 regular rolls). I gasped. I asked her what the hell she was doing grabbing the one that said 12 and not 24. She carefully schooled me in the fact that it's the same amount of TP it's just that the rolls are double the size.

Calmly, I shook my head. "No, no my dear," I said. I told her that it was a conspiracy by the toilet roll companies to have you buy that size (they are the same price) but in actuality rip you off some toilet paper. She looked at me (probably the same way you all are looking at the screen now) like I was crazy and told me we were getting the double roll. Reluctantly, I agreed. But in all honesty, my query is not that far fetched because how many people do you think are going to roll out a double roll and 2 rolls of the regular stuff to ensure that you aren't getting ripped off? Charmin could be robbing you of toilet paper right now and no one would know.

Being the inquisitive young man that I am, I decided to try it out for myself to prove to wifey that I was right. I rolled 2 ordinary rolls out and 1 double roll and lo and behold guess what happened? The double roll was more than the 2 single rolls put together. Wifey then had a smirk on her face that said I told you so. HA! I told her, I had just gotten to conspiracy wrong. It seems that Charmin is ripping off you poor souls who thought the way that I thought.

No Offense But...

2006-01-10T15:08:00.000-06:00

This (along with To Be Honest With You) is another saying I just don't get. If you have to say "No Offense But," don't you think that whatever follows that statement just shouldn't be said? It's like you walk up to some fat dude and say something like, "No offense man but don't you think that King sizing your meal might not be in your best interest?" Or better yet, "No offense bud but do you really think that ordering a Diet Coke with a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Extra Large Fries and 2 Apple Pies for $1 will make a difference, why not go for the gold."

My point is why even bother saying something like that? If you have to open your mouth and say something that could offend the person you're talking to, just say it and live with the consequences, don't use some chickenshit phrase like, "No offense but." If you want to call some dude fat, call him fat. No offense but this post probably wasn't my best. Don't hold your breath for better stuff!

The Slump Buster

2005-12-23T08:27:00.000-06:00

Anyone who follows baseball, or sports for that matters, has a good idea what a slump buster is. For those of you out of the loop let me give you a clue as to what exactly a slump buster is. The basic definition is when you are struggling as a team or individually and can't seem to get out of your "slump," then you find a big, like really big, woman, get down and dirty with her and that will be the end of the slump.

My sophomore year of high school, we were having a pretty good season as a team and then our team kinda went into the tank. Paralleling the team's struggles was yours truly. I had been playing really well and then boom, I couldn't get a hit to save my life and my defense was starting to crap out as well. Needless to say all of us were trying to figure out a way to get back on track and break out of the slump. Enter the slump buster...

I had a friend in high school who's mom always seem to go out of town on the weekends and always seem to stock up on booze before she left so her daughter could have a party as long as people just crashed there. Well one night, just like any other time we partied at her place, we were drinking, flirting and just being crazy. We would play drinking games and have competitions to see who could rollerblade the longest while being drunk. At this point I'm pretty wasted to the point that I pass out on a lazy boy. I wake up a little later with a HUGE pink panther doll in my lap (like it was giving me head) and red nail polish on my shirt (which I first thought was blood and I went running around asking people who bled on me and that I hoped they didn't have AIDS, like I said I was drunk).

After I figured out it was nail polish I passed out on the couch once again only this time I woke up because someone was kissing my neck. It turned out to be this really big girl (think like 6'2" 230lbs) but with the alcohol still flowing in my system and the thought of breaking out of the slump I decided to go for it (not that I had much of a choice because at this point she was pretty much on top of me). We went back to one of the bedrooms and started making out. While we didn't actually do the deed, we were close enough to where I was confident that it would qualify as a slump buster.

As we were getting dressed some of my teammates saw us coming out of the room together and began to cheer. Everyone else at the party couldn't understand why they were cheering me on considering I had just scored with Sasquatch. One of my teammates turned to one skeptical guy, shook his head and said, "dude that was a slump buster"...

Random Stuff in my Head

2005-12-21T07:38:00.000-06:00

I believe there are some things nature did not intend Puerto Ricans or any Brown person for that matter to be able to do. I believe nature did give Brown people the ability to show up for anything on time. I also believe nature did not intend for Brown people to shovel snow since I have broken 2 shovels the past week trying to shovel my driveway.

I never understood why some dudes think leaving the top 3 buttons of their shirts unbuttoned so that their chest hair sticks out is cool. I thought ladies didn't like the hairy look. It's even worse when the chest hair is gray *shudder*.

I can't figure out why I can make it through 12 years of schooling, 4 years of college and 3 years of law school with pretty decent grades but I can't figure out how to put on a diaper on Baby Ricanette without having it leak on me when she feels the urge to go.

I think if President Bush is listening on a Phone Sex conversation that I'm paying $4 per minute to enjoy, he should either give me half for the benefit he's deriving or give me a tax cut.

How Long is Too Long?

2005-12-13T09:33:00.000-06:00

I try not to have hard and fast rules when it comes to relations with the fairer sex. That being said, I think there has to come a point in the dating/seeing/ whatever aspects of hooking up where you take it to the next level. Obviously I've been out of the game for a little while seeing that I'm married but I'd like to think that I still have some wisdom upon which my friends seek out.

As a bit of background information, my boy has been kinda seeing/dating whatever this chick for probably about 2 months now. I met her when I was down in FL and she's pretty cool, funny and good looking. However, my boy, who happens to look like Matt Damon so he has no trouble getting chicks, could not get a kiss out of this girl until the 4 attempt. He kept going in for the kiss and she kept giving him the cheek. Finally, on the 5 freaking date, she kissed him on the lips (and he basically had to guide her chin to make sure she didn't turn her head). Like I said, I'm not one for hard and fast rules but if I haven't gotten a kiss after the 2nd or at most 3rd date I'm out. For whatever reason, my boy stuck it out, and I'm guessing she knows how to kiss because he's still "dating" her.

He ended up hanging out with her this past weekend where one of her friends asked, "have you guys fucked yet?" He just smiled and said no. Apparently, this chick has made guys wait up to a year before getting the freak on. A year!!! Are you kidding me? I totally respect people that want to wait until marriage and aren't just going to give it up easy. I also would not encourage people to just sleep around with whoever walks by. However, I know I would not and could not wait that long to be sleep with someone. No matter what people say, sex is important in a relationship and the only way you are going to figure out if it works is by doing it. I guess my question is how long would you wait? I don't think my boy is going to end it just yet but I know damn well he's not going to wait a year. I'm thinking I would probably wait about 3 or 4 months then if I ain't getting the nookie I'm out.

I have been Tagged

2005-12-08T11:03:00.000-06:00

Therefore I will comply.

The job:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

So here it is:
"After they show up (hopefully after some hard core tailgaiting outside the courtroom), they should stand and cheer when I walk in the door as I walk by high-fiving them on the way to the counsel table."

I won't Tag other people to do it but if you're game, I wouldn't mind reading what you got.

The Door Test

2005-12-07T13:20:00.000-06:00

Everyone has their own little things that they do to try to determine whether or not the person they are going out with is a "keeper" or just someone to mess around with. Well after watching A Bronx Tale with a bunch of my boys back in the day. It's there that Sonny bestows his wisdom on C about the fairer sex. Sonny tells C that you only get 3 Great Women in your life and you can determine whether the person you are going out on a date is a great one by the Door Test.

Basically what the door test is, when you go to pick up your date, you lock the door to the driver's side door. You go to the girl's door, open the door for her and close it behind her. Then, you look in through the back window of the car. If the girl reaches over and unlocks the door then she's a great one. If she doesn't then it means the broad is selfish and you are supposed to dump the chick right then and there.

I've done this test numerous times and funny enough it's worked to let me know which girls are considered keepers and which ones were girls that ended up as the butt of my jokes on a blog. However, I never took Sonny's advice to dump the girl right then and there because hey, if I could get mine then why bother dumping her just yet, right? Well this test creates some problems though that my boys and I were talking about a few weekends ago. Right now, most cars come with Keyless entry, so what are you supposed to do when you hit the button to unlock the door and let the girl in, lock it again and see if she unlocks it? That just makes you look like a stalker or a freak. Like what the hell is this guys doing. Plus if the test is supposed to be inconspicuous, wouldn't she find out something was up if you locked the car AFTER you let her in?

Another problem we saw is that some cars (my last car used to be like this) basically make the lock go completely into the door and the girl doesn't know that you can just use the door handle to open it then she can't possibly pass the test. So do we give her partial credit for trying, does that make her a good one rather than a great one, does that mean that at the end of the night you might cop a feel rather than going all the way?

Lastly we tried to figure out exactly how many times does the girl have to pass the door test before it's considered a sure thing? I mean when you first start in a relationship you hide all your flaws and basically put on a front. What if she is a selfish broad, but has seen the movie and knows about the test? Is there a determinate amount of time required before she can be put on the Great One list?

I guess there is never going to be a test that accurately tells us one way or another if the woman we are dating is a sure thing, or just a story for a blog. If you freakin women would just be easy to read like us guys we wouldn't have to come up with these ridiculous tests to try to figure you out. Oh well, I'm back for better or worse, I hope I haven't lost too many of ya'll yet.

Asshole of the Week

2005-11-30T10:11:00.000-06:00

Can this get any funnier? How is a dude name Ronald Macdonald get a job at Wendy's in the first place, let alone rob it? Classic. You can't make this stuff up kids. Congrats R-Mac, you are my asshole of the week.

Shout Out!

2005-11-21T14:36:00.000-06:00

I gotta give my Alma Mater's (UCF) football team some major props. Last year they suffered through a horrible 0-11 season, combined with 4 straight losses the year before and 2 straight losses to start this year, they had suffered 17 straight losses (by far the longest in college football). However, all changed after that 17th loss. The Knights went out and beat a good Marshall team and have yet to look back since. They have won 8 or their last 9 games to win Conference USA's Eastern Division. Not only that, but they will host C-USA's championship game Saturday December 3 against either UTEP or Tulsa. It's a damn shame I will be in Otown this coming weekend and not next because you can beat your ass I'd be supporting them. As such, look for the game to be on ESPN and for UCF to make their first bowl appearance in school history. GO KNIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember me?

2005-11-21T08:06:00.000-06:00

Alright so it's been a while and for that I apologize but as ya'll know it's not like I have all the free time in the world since little Ricannette ain't trying to let me sleep. However, she's cute as hell (obviously doesn't look like me) so it's all good.

Funny story from a few weeks back to welcome back some readers. I was chatting on IM with one of my friends from middle school. I haven't talked to her in years but we were close back then so it's not like it's a big deal to talk now. She found me on Thefacebook so it was cool to reminisce.

Anyways we start chatting and catching up on what we've been up to, kids, etc. Well she then says oh do you remember so and so? I told her that the name didn't sound familiar to me. She goes to describe this girl and I'm just drawing a complete blank, I'm starting to think that E is confusing me with someone else (I broke out the yearbook and everything and still couldn't picture the girl). What E forgets to tell me is that while she's asking me if I remember this girl, the girl is sitting next to her reading our conversation over her shoulder. No sooner do I give up on trying to figure out who the chick is when she types, "Hey asshole, I slept with you sophomore year of high school, how can you not remember?" Whoops, it's not like I've gotten around the block too much but damn how am I supposed to remember one girl from like 11 years ago that I slept with ONE time? Must have been memorable for sure ;-)

Trick or Treat?

2005-11-01T07:57:00.000-06:00

I love Halloween. To a fat kid, there is no better holiday than one where he can use his girth to get himself some free candy without getting made fun of. Easter is another classic example of a great holiday for fat kids. But didn't you actually have to say "Trick or Treat" to get candy? Didn't you used to say thank you and accept graciously all the candy bestowed upon you no matter if it was that crappy orange and black wrapped stuff? At the very least didn't you wait until you were far enough away so the people who gave you said candy didn't hear you? Have things changed so much since I last donned a white hat and went as chef boyardee? After all, I'm only 26 so I never thought I'd say this but damn today's kids are rude little shits.

I'm manning the door last night while Baby Ricannette is feeding then freaking out because the doorbell is ringing every 2 minutes. I would patiently wait for the little tykes to say trick or treat, then let them choose 2 pieces of candy out of the bowl. And it's not like I had shitty candy, I had snickers, starburst, M&Ms, skittles, Nerds, the works. But some of these little ghouls and goblins decided that 2 wasn't enough. They dug their grubby little paws and grabbed the candy like a diabetic looking for their insulin.

Finally, I decided I better start handing the candy out myself. Toward the end of the night I realized my generosity to the initial trick or treaters might come back to haunt me. Our candy supply was coming dangerously close to being extinct with 30 minutes left to go in the trick or treat hours. Frantically looking for a solution, I decided I better start handing out 1 candy bar per kid to make it last. Wouldn't you know it, some little mother F er gets pissed when I hand him one piece of candy and says "is that it?" Is that it? Bitch I'm giving you candy, and good candy at that. Don't come and act all rude and not even say trick or treat and just sit there with your damn pillow case open. After the initial shock, I told him, yep that's it, if you had come earlier I was passing out 2! pieces of candy and dollar bills. He mumbled something under his mask then walked away. Then the last trick or treater of the night came to the door. Not knowing if this was the last one or not, I had to save a few pieces of candy for stragglers (myself) that came late. I gave her a piece of candy (after she didn't even say trick or treat) and she digs into her little pumpkin and says, "damn the guy next door gave us a whole bag of skittles!" I looked at her calmly as her mom just stood there and said, "well you better go back to that house before he runs out," then shut the door in their faces. What the hell happened to these kids?

Your First Time?

2005-10-28T11:24:00.000-05:00

So I said that I would write about the first time I snuck out of my parents house. We lived in a 1 story house, that had a bathroom door that lead to the pool, which lead to the gate which lead out, so it wasn't too hard to sneak out. My brother and I talked about it a lot and for the life of us we actually contemplated popping the screens to our bedroom windows (and fight the orange tree that was outside my window) before we realized we so didn't have to do that.

So anyways, my girlfriend at the time C was gone for a few weeks and she wanted to see me that night. She got home late (like past both of our curfews) but she convinced me to sneak out of my house with the promise that she would make it worth it ;-) Being a total adolescent male, that's all it took for me to sneak out and walk over to her house (which wasn't too far way, maybe half a mile). The only problem was, her bedroom was on the second story of her house so I would have to 1)climb her fence then jump up on her roof and 2) dangle from the edge of the house to get into her window (since there was no roof below her window. Now nimble would never be the word to describe me, but back in the day I was pretty athletic so it didn't turn out to be much of a challenge at all.

I get inside her room and we do the standard hug, kiss, hello and she starts telling me about her trip yadda, yadda. Well we ended up messing around and lo and behold, it's not just my first time sneaking out of the house, but it's my first time...well you get the idea. So after some hanky panky (which I'm sure was quite comical since we were both Vs) we feel asleep nekkid.

I got up around 6 and told her that I should sneak out before her mom wakes up and sees me. She assured me that her mom NEVER comes upstairs before she leaves so it's cool for me to stay (my parents never checked on me either so it was cool at my house). C wakes up and ends up going to the bathroom. Not thinking much of anything, I just chilled in her bed waiting for some morning nookie. It seems that her mom had different ideas. For what C called the first time ever, her mom walked up the stairs to ask her something before she left to go to work. Who should she find on her daughter's bed? None other than your favorite Rican naked from head to toe.

Now to be perfectly honest, I'm sure if someone ends up like that in my house in my daughter's bed, there will be hell to pay so I understand her reaction now, but damn at the time I was like what's wrong with this bitch. So her mom starts laying into about what the hell am I thinking, what a bad influence I am on her daughter, how my parents raised a bad kid, blah blah. Seeing that I was still naked, I got up to grab my clothes. But no, Mama Bitch, wanted me to sit there naked while she yelled at me. She told me she wanted to teach me a lesson and would make me sit there naked listening to her. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before so I just sat there, let her yell knowing full well that I got mine the night before.

Finally, she kicks me out of my house (fully clothed at this point) and I begin my journey home. I had a noticeable bounce in my step because I was the first one of my boys to lose the big V. Then, I saw my mom driving toward me. With a shit eating grin, she asked me if I wanted a ride home. I just looked at her and got in the car. When I got home, my dad ripped into me about getting a phone call from Mama Bitch about how they raised their kid yadda, yadda. I think I stopped listening after he said I was grounded. After they were done, I marched into my room, tired as hell, crashed on my head and just smiled thinking...I got mine.

Rosa Parks

2005-10-26T07:34:00.000-05:00

I normally don't write anything remotely serious on here but this is important. America has lost a true pioneer in the civil rights movement in Rosa Parks. This woman did what many before her refused to do, go against the grain. That, to me, is the American Dream. To live in a country where you can refuse to give up your seat on a bus and not cave in to the bigots. Unfortunately my vocabulary is not extensive enough to praise this woman the way she deserves to be praised so I will merely say this, Rest in Peace Ms. Parks, you've earned it. It's because of you that minorities like me now have a voice that can't just be ignored.

Have You Ever?

2005-10-25T07:41:00.000-05:00

I stole, rather borrowed w/o permission, this from Blonde Justice

To play, just cut & paste the list to your blog, and bold any of the ones that are true.

smoked a cigarette

crashed a friend's car

stolen a car

been in love

been dumped - but the guy she dumped me for ended up being gay so there!)

shoplifted - I used to have a bad habit of taking golf balls with the golf courses logos wherever I played. Thankfully I've grown out of that.

been fired

been in a fist fight

snuck out of your parent's house - Yep, and tomorrow's post will be the story behind one of the more memorable times.

had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

been arrested - does being detained count? If so then count me in.

gone on a blind date - once and only once

lied to a friend - nah I'm pretty blunt when it comes to things

skipped school - man who hasn't? I used to sit around the Student Union at UCF all day watching Jerry Springer and playing video games.

seen someone die

had a crush on one of your internet friends - define crush ;-)

been to Canada

been to Mexico

been on a plane

purposely set a part of yourself on fire - who does that?

eaten sushi

been jet-skiing - it's nice to grow up in FL

met someone in person from the internet - but for some reason she wasn't as hot as she described...imagine that

been moshing at a concert

taken pain killers

loved and missed someone

made a snow angel I just did this for the first time in my life back in March

had a tea party

flown a kite - and almost got it stuck in a power line since my parents decided that it would be a good idea to grow up near some.

built a sand castle

gone puddle jumping - you haven't lived until you jumped in a puddle and drenched some stuck up with murky water.

played dress up

jumped in a pile of leaves - sadly, this is also something I just recently did (at 26 no less) because Florida doesn't have seasons.

gone sledding

cheated while playing a game - hey who hasn't cheated at strip poker. I mean the object of the game is to make the other person take their clothes off right?

been lonely

fallen asleep at work or school - AND I've yet to be caught

used a fake id until moms found it and cut it up

watched a sun set - I even took the picture of me "holding up" the sun, classic

felt an earthquake

touched a snake - I used to want one for a pet

slept beneath the stars - when you are drunk you don't realize how unromantic this really is

been tickled

been robbed

been misunderstood - always

petted a reindeer/goat - when I met Santa two years ago in Vail

won a contest - I recently won $3 in Powerball

run a red light/stop sign - AND I got a ticket for it

been suspended from school

been in a car accident - not my fault

had braces

eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night

had deja vu - didn't you just ask me that (bonus points if you can guess what movie that's from)

danced in the moonlight

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time - I always like the way I look, it's other people who don't seem to enjoy as often

witnessed a crime - underage drinking, scavenger hunts, you name it.

questioned your heart - NEVER

been obsessed with post-it notes

squished barefoot through the mud

been lost - although this is hard to admit because I'm a man and men never get lost

been on the opposite side of the country

swam in the ocean - I grew up near the ocean

felt like dying

cried yourself to sleep - It's heartbreaking when the Mets lost to the Yankees in the World Series

played cops and robbers - why my friends always chose the brown guy for robbers I'll never know

recently colored with crayons - wifey works at a preschool and I color with her kids a lot

sung karaoke - call me American Idol baby

paid for a meal with only coins - When I was in middle school, I thought it would be cool for me to finally be able to pay for my own BK meal. Too bad for the clerk, it was all in pennies and nickles.

done something you told yourself you wouldn't - but I thought we WERE going to get married

made prank phone calls - my favorite one was calling the air conditioner repair people and telling them that it sounded like my A/C was constipated.

laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose

caught a snow flake on your tongue - thankfully it wasn't yellow

danced in the rain - I love the rain, as long as it's not cold out

written a letter to Santa Claus - and for some reason he had the same handwriting as my dad.

been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend

watched the sun rise with someone you care about

blown bubbles - still do, man I'm a total kid

made a bonfire on the beach - it was the night I saw the shuttle launch at midnight, one of the coolest things I've ever seen

crashed a party - sometimes you just gotta

gone rollerskating - man this is embarrassing, I actually don't know how to roller skate so I was in the "little kids" rink and some little shit came behind me and kicked my leg out from under me just to watch me fall

had a wish come true - Baby Ricannette in full effect

worn pearls

jumped off a bridge - but it was only like 10 feet so nothing major

ate dog/cat food

told a complete stranger that you loved them - there is no telling what I'll do when drunk

kissed a mirror

sang in the shower - just this morning baby!

had a dream you married someone - funny I did this past weekend

glued your hand to something

got your tongue stuck to something - after watching "A Christmas Story" I was convinced that it was made up, so much for that theory

kissed a fish or a frog

sat on a roof top - after sneaking out of my parents house in the middle of the night

screamed at the top of your lungs - winning any kind of championship will make any grown man scream

did a one handed cartwheel

talked on the phone for more the 6 hours - doesn't this happen to everyone when they first start dating someone, and then later on they don't have anything to talk about since they said it all that first night?

stayed up all night

not taken a shower for a week - that's just nasty

picked and eaten an apple right off the tree

climbed a tree - and jumped into a river like 25 feet down

had a tree house

admitted you are scared to watch scary movies alone - but I'm not scared anymore...really I'm not

believed in ghosts

had more than 30 pairs of shoes at the same time

worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others would say - isn't that what being a goof is all about?

gone streaking - it will never happen again

gone dingdong ditching - I've even taken it one step further and lit dog crap on fire to watch the person stomp it out

pushed into a pool/hottub with all your clothes on - sadly, I've even fallen in on my own

been told you're hot by a complete stranger - but she was really drunk so what does she know

broken a bone - hairline though, nothing major

been easily amused - I was amused enough by this post to actually do it myself

caught a fish - one my entire life. One measly fish

caught a butterfly

laughed so hard you cried

cried so hard you laughed

laughed so hard you pee your pants - don't hate bastards, everyone has

cheated on a test - I even had a system with my friends on multiple choice tests: Top left corner of the desk A; Top right corner of the desk B; Bottom left C; Bottom right D; middle E.

had or do you currently have a Britney Spears CD - I actually only bought it because I met her and wanted her to sign it, which she did and I still have it

forgotten someone's name - dude this is a big time problem for me

french braided someone's hair

been kissed by someone you didn't like - definitely an awkward moment afterwards

gone skinny dipping in a pool /lake - when you have a pool in your backyard you have to do this. Plus I had a slide and you go down so much faster on your bare ass than you do with your trunks on

been threatened to be kicked out of your house

been kicked out of your house

Anyone else care to give it a shot?

I'm Worth More Than I Thought

2005-10-24T09:47:00.000-05:00

My blog is worth $9,032.64.
How much is your blog worth?

American Idol Here I Come

2005-10-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of a music nut. I love listening to a wide variety of music, I like Tim McGraw and Tupac for God's sake. In addition to my love of music, I like to sing. Some people have told me I have a decent voice, while others have said that I was polluting their ears. I'm sure if you ask Baby Ricannette she'd probably tell you that I was polluting her ears since she likes to cry when I sing to her. Anyways, when I get in the car it's a given that I'm going to sing the songs that I know on the radio. Be it rap, rock, pop, country it doesn't matter. If I know it I will sing it (sad isn't it?).

So I'm driving a couple of weeks ago on the highway totally jamming with the windows down, wind blowing through my hair (even though my hair is about 1/8 of an inch long), singing my little heart out. The it comes on the radio. A song that I haven't heard in about 3 years but can still remember the words as though I wrote them myself. What song could bring your dear Rican to his knees? It's none other than "Like a Virgin" by Madonna. I have no idea what it was about this particular song on this particular day but I felt a connection. I found myself thinking back to cone shaped bras and the movie "Who's that girl?"

Naturally, I began belting out the tune. After the first verse, I'm completely warmed up and ready for the chorus. As I'm singing "touched for the very first time" I looked over to my left and noticed an old couple staring at the crazy Rican in the car next to him singing his pretty little heart out. My solo began to slowly die down as my embarrassment crept up. I saw the lady in the passenger seat look over at her husband, say something and then roll the window up. Blushing, I also rolled my windows up, turned Madonna down, and changed directions so I would not have to ride beside them any longer. Once they were out of sight, I cranked it again but found that Madonna had left my radio. Oh man, what might have been...

To All My Brown Friends

2005-10-19T07:48:00.000-05:00

I had a different idea to post about today but when I saw this it was too funny for me to pass up. I've added some witty comments on some of these for your amusement.

You know you are brown (i.e. Hispanic) when...

1. You put your clean pots in the oven for storage. (It's the only place where you had room since you had to store rice and beans everywhere else).

2. Your mother keeps a can full of recycled cooking oil on or near the stove. (The funny thing is I never thought this was weird until I moved in with white roommates).

3. Your relatives take photos and videos at a wake.

4. You have to say "Bendicion" to your grandmother and/or mother and/or aunts when you come in and before you leave. (Sometimes this is ignored, other times it comes with a quick prayer).

5. Your grandma's couch is covered in plastic even though it's older than you. (I didn't think this was strange until I moved to the US).

6. You call all cereal "con flay".

7. You call any sneaker "tenis".

8. You can't leave a party without taking home a plate of food.

9. Your grandma makes you put on slippers because walking around barefooted will make you get sick.

10. You need that piece of cake before you leave the party.

11. You found out about a Saturday party on Wednesday.

12. "La Correa" (belt) or "La Chancla" (slipper) were used to discipline you. (My mom is like 5 ft tall and isn't really into sports but when it came time to hit me with the Chancleta she was like Joe Montana with her aim when I tried to run.)

13. You have those huge wooden spoons on the wall. (Or in my case, huge ceramic plates.)

14. The biggest pot in the house is burned from all the rice cooked in it.

15. You blast the music at 8am to clean the house on a Saturday.

16. The whole family gathers around and stands still in front of the video camera at a wedding, baptism, or birthday party and just smiles like it's a regular camera. (Like you haven't done that before).

17. You set up a "hamaca" (hammock) whenever your family goes to the park.

18. You are older than one of your uncles or aunts. (Or your dad has the same exact birthdate as one of his sisters but they aren't twins).

19. Your Mom has two sets of dishes and bed sheets: One for everyday use and the other for "cuando llege visita (for visitors).

20. Your mother keeps the rice in a big green soda-cracker can and instead of a scoop inside, its a tea cup with a broken handle.

21. You go to a birthday party and your friends that couldn't go are asking you to bring them back some food.

22. Your mom / tia (aunt) / abuelita (grandma) has a ceramic elephant on the living room table.

23. Your favorite dish is pegao (crunchy rice).

24. You have an aunt who sells pasteles on the side.

25. It could be 100 degrees outside and your mom is cooking pernil inside in the oven.

Here are a few of mine...

26. You seriously consider printing two different sets of wedding invitations. One set with the correct time for the white folks, and one set with the starting time 2 hours earlier than the actual time since you know your brown relatives will roll up late. And you can send one invitation to one tia and everyone on that side of the family will come using that one invitation.

27. I could get to my mom's house just by the smell of her chuletas.

28. At least 2 of your relatives have beaded curtains into their living room.

29. There are crosses in at least every other room of the house, and you own at least one real set of rosemary beads and one plastic set for the kids.

30. You regularly use the expression "Chacho, brother (even though half the people don't know what "brother" means)."

31. You meet family members for the first time at your wedding and talk like you've known each other for your entire lives.

32. You can regularly communicate in Spanglish and not miss a beat.

Asshole of the Week

2005-10-18T09:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't been doing too well in keeping up with my AOTW award lately but this one was too easy to pass up. Evidently, the NBA (Pro Basketball for all you non-sports people) is interested in implementing a dress code for it's players this season. For some inexplicable reason, they don't want their players dressing like they just woke up and would prefer them to dress like the professionals they are supposed to be. You can read about it here.

Well unfortunately, some of these players aren't too thrilled about to dress up a little during league time such as travel to and from the team (5 star) hotel, press conferences, games (if they aren't playing), etc. Allan Iverson has bitched about not wanting to change the way he rolls, since he wants to be comfortable. However, there is another NBA player that one ups Mr. Iverson. That would be the fragile Marcus Camby. This guy had the balls to suggest that teams give players an additional allowance for clothes on top of their regular salaries. Are you fucking kidding me? In a league that has a MINIMUM salary of $398,762 for first year players, that is just preposterous. Shit I graduated from law school and am up to my ears in debt but still had to buy clothes for work. Mr. Camby himself, is scheduled to make $8.5 million this year. Call me crazy, but I guess 8 mil doesn't go as far as it used to. While people are struggling to live off FEMA checks that are being disbursed in amounts of $2,000, you can't afford to take your ass to the local Men's Warehouse and get your ass a sports coat, 2 pairs of pants and some dress shirts on 8 Mil? Congratulations Mr. Camby you are my Asshole of the Week

God Hates Us...

2005-10-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

...Or at least he loves to have fun at our expense. I'm not talking about the natural disasters that are occurring around the world because the Hurricanes are being produced by the Russian Mob. Evidently, they picked New Orleans because they hate gay people and Ellen Degeneres is from there. Oh no my dear readers, I'm talking on a much deeper, albeit similar fashion as to why God hates humans. Here are just a few observations I've made on my 26 years on this planet and reasoning behind my theory of God...

* Mullets - What kind of God in their right mind would allow a hairstyle like this to even be conceived? Business up front, party in the rear? Who comes up with these slogans. You know that fool is sitting up there behind the pearly gates laughing at all idiots who think chicks dig this look.

* Ice Cream, Pizza, Burgers, etc. - What kind of sick mutha is this God to make all the food that tastes good be unhealthy for you. How can he make shit like broccoli, Cauliflower, and anything else deemed healthy taste like shit, but he can make Twinkies taste good but cause a heart attack. Sick bitch!

* Sleepless nights - Now if he didn't hate us, why the hell would he let Baby Ricannette sleep all hours of the day, but come nighttime when I'm looking to sleep, she wants to party like it's 1999.

* Spandex in sizes bigger than medium - Are you kidding me? Anything that hugs the skin that tight shouldn't be allowed to be made in sizes for people with rolls. He obviously hates us because he's casually forgotten to give the people who wear said spandex in sizes bigger than medium, the eye sight required to determine whether or not something looks good. Damn God is cruel.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

2005-10-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

You remember that Salt 'n Pepa song from back in the day don't you? The one thing I never got was who Baby Little was. I mean all I hear when I think about that song is "Baby Little, Baby Little" in the background. Anyways that song isn't really what the post is about. I'm just curious at what point do you go I can't be in this relationship anymore because the sex is bad?

Here is a story for ya'll. I've been around the block a few times. I've had the one night stands, the friends with benefits, and the full blown relationships. I was dating this chick that I worked with. From the moment I started at the job she flirted with me and me, being the flirt that I am, flirted back. We went back and forth for awhile but didn't do anything. She had a boyfriend at the time so I didn't want to step on anyone's toes.

Well she ends up breaking up with the guy and we start hanging out. Now the entire time we are flirting she's talking so much shit about how great she is in bed, how she can do this and do that. Naturally, I was all about and wanted to find out for myself. The girl was pretty cute, so even if she didn't quite live up to her billing, if she was ok it wouldn't be bad. On one of our dates, her psycho followed us from dinner to the movies. Once we got out of the movies, she saw him staring at us and uttered an amazing line, "If he wants to watch, then let's give him a show." We made out and groped a little, nothing more than PG-13, but a turn on nonetheless. A few weeks later, things got more heated up and we did the deed. It was quite possibly the worst I've ever had, I had to pretend to finish. I just chalked it up to our first time together so I didn't think twice about it. The funny thing was that when she was done, she told me it was amazing.

Finally we are about 2 months into the relationship. We have been pretty intimate for some time now and it has gotten progressively worse. She continued to tell me how amazing it was to her and I just couldn't help but laugh. She asked what I laughed at and I just said that it was that "gee someone is saying something nice about me" laugh. I tried one more time and then told myself if it didn't get better I was out. We did it again and it sucked royally. Finally, I broke up with her. When she asked what was up, I told her it wasn't her, it was me. I didn't want to be in a relationship, and I needed my space (actually, I didn't mind being in a relationship, but I needed someone who knew what they were doing and didn't talk shit about how great they were in bed before and sucked after). All in all I gave our relationship 3 months. My question is, at what point do ya'll just say enough is enough. I think I waited about 2 months longer than I should have. How long would ya'll wait?

Things a Man Shouldn't Say to a Woman in Labor

2005-10-11T09:28:00.000-05:00

1. Her: I can't do this, it's too hard.
Man: Well we really can't do much about it now can we?

2. "That didn't seem so bad."

3. "I'm tired."

4. "Is this ever going to end."

5. "I think you just sharted."

6. "Hunny, you're going to have to smile for the camera."

Can ya'll think of any others?

How Ya'll Got Here Round 2!

2005-10-10T13:56:00.000-05:00

I love Site Meter and Extreme Tracker. It allows me to write about something funny when I can't think of something on my own. Here are some of the searches that have landed people on my blog.

1. "How does Omarion Stay in Shape" - fuck if I know, but if you find out, have that fool call me.

2. "Who put the freak in the fries" - man you found me, and I thought no one was looking

3. "Puerto Rican Porn" - damn not on this blog, my parents read this for God's sake

4. "Black Puerto Rican ass" - I bet ya'll didn't know you could be black and Puerto Rican did ya? Well it's true, I have some black uncles

5. "Woman Haters" - You'd have to go to Homer's site for the different types of woman haters.

6. "Worst Jobs, Sperm Bank" - I don't think I included this in my worst jobs post but now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to be the one cleaning those cups.

7. "Puerto Rican gay porn" - what the fuck? Not in this lifetime buddy, hope you found what you were looking for.

8. "Rican Stud" - that's right, and don't you forget it damn it!

9. "Puerto Rican porn stars" - that was a long time ago and I was hoping to avoid all contact with that part of my life.

10. "Define Happiness" - dude if you are looking for this on my blog you better be bringing along some of those french fries that get left at the bottom of the Mickey D's bag.

First Day Impressions

2005-10-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

I worked for the big T for a long time (something like 7 years). For the longest time I figured I would be a Target lifer. Thankfully, I've graduated to greener pastures. However, my time at Target was not without its fun times. I started in the store in my hometown in high school. When I moved out of my parent's house to be closer to college, I transferred stores. The manager of this store was one of my good friend's dads so it wasn't a total shock and hey who better to know than the guy in charge right?

Well my first day was a Saturday. Part of the job duties I had to do was open a cash drawer and count the money in. I went to open the drawer with the key and wouldn't you know it, I snap the damn thing. We had to call a locksmith and operate one register short at the service desk.

Feeling quite embarrassed, I worked extra hard throughout the day to make up for my stupidity. I worked so hard that I forgot to take a lunch break. Well my bowels decided they weren't about to wait for me to finish my shift and I had the sudden urge to shit. I tried to hold it in at first and then I realized if I didn't go now I would shit myself (I use to hate taking a shit in public that's why I tried to hold it in). Well, I told my coworker that I needed to take a break. I made a bee-line for the employee bathroom in the back (there's no way in hell I was going to use the bathroom that the customers use, I've cleaned those before, I know the nasty shit (no pun intended) that goes on in there) but the damn men's bathroom is being used. I do the poop dance for a while before I realized that whoever was in there wasn't coming out before my shit did so I decided to improvise. I looked around to see if anyone was close by. When I didn't see anyone I snuck in the woman's restroom.

Finally, I had the release my intestines were craving. I spent a good 10 minutes on the toilet (nasty huh). I finished, wiped then went to flush the toilet. I noticed that there was a lot in the toilet but figured it would make it without plugging the toilet. How wrong I was...You know those moments before when you are praying for something to happen even if you know it's not going to help? That was me. I saw the water begin to rise but insisted on praying to anything holy that this toilet would flush.

The water level finally stopped rising and from the looks of it, was starting to recede. Frantic, I decided to flush it again because I didn't want the next person in the bathroom to be left with a surprise. Man if I was praying hard before, I was selling my soul to the devil after the second flush. The water (and everything in it) came gushing over the sides of the toilet. I looked around and realized I was stuck. I quickly washed my hands then reached for the door. I listened to see if anyone was outside but didn't hear a sound. Reluctantly, I opened the door a crack to peak outside. Not seeing anyone, I hauled ass back to the front of the store and the service break. The girl that was working with me merely nodded when I returned. About 4 minutes later, I heard this call over the walkie talkie, "Cart attendant, can you bring a plunger, mop, bucket and air freshener to the women's employee bathroom in the back of the store." I tried all I could not to laugh. I looked at the girl that worked with me and she merely said, man I'm glad I'm not the one having to clean up that shit. Half an hour later the cart attendant came by the service desk to chat up the girl working with me. When she asked him what happened his response was, "man that must have been some fat bitch who just ate at a buffet because there was shit everywhere." Laughing hysterically I just shook my head and told him that it sucked he had to clean that up while thinking, if this cat only knew...

It's a Girl Part 2

2005-10-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long layoff folks but as you can imagine the Rican has been a little preoccupied these last few days. I promised you a more detailed play by play of Baby Ricanette's birth and I shall deliver. All in all it was a smooth labor and delivery. Wifey's water broke at 3:30 A.M. (how come it never happens in the middle of the day?) and we were in the hospital by 4:30. After some pain and some meds Baby Ricanette came out wide eyed at 11:50 A.M. She weighed 6lbs and was 19 inches long.

We had some awesome visitors at the hospital (thanks Maria) and ended up going home Saturday. The weekend was relatively uneventful except for our trip to Target to get her stuff since she came 2 weeks early and being a Rican you know my ass wasn't prepared since we're late for everything (obviously Baby Ricanette got some white genes). We had pretty good nights Saturday and Sunday. She had her first Dr.'s appointment yesterday but she's been kinda wild since. She's been up every 2 hours w/o fail. I didn't realize I could operate on two 2-hour blocks of sleep but I'm sure as hell working on it. That's the extent of my complaining though because she is beautiful (thankfully she doesn't look like me), healthy and has all 10 fingers and toes.

Lastly I want to send a thank you out to everyone who left a comment and/or emailed me to wish congratulations. It's been an awesome ride so far and I'm crazy excited to see what adventures Baby Ricanette can provide for us daily!

IT'S A GIRL!!!

2005-09-30T10:14:00.000-05:00

Two weeks early, but Baby Rican is now Baby Ricanette! Baby and wifey are both doing well. I'll post more later!

Welcome to the Neighborhood

2005-09-28T07:13:00.000-05:00

4 pack of light bulbs - $1.79

A pair of window curtains - $29.99

Blinds for the window - $50.00

Turning on the light to your spare bedroom to get dressed while your new neighbor across the street is getting his newspaper, while staring into your curtainless blindless window (since I was too lazy to put them up this weekend) and realizing you are giving him a full frontal shot? Priceless

Sidebar: Ya'll know I'm a reality TV fool. I was watching the Biggest Loser last night. You know the competition where morbidly obese people kill themselves to lose an insane amount of weight unhealthily quickly. Well one of the especially large men had a shortness of breath problem hence an ambulance was called. 2 ambulances show up, it seems one of the girls had the same problem unbeknownst to the guy's teammates (it's guys vs. girls) causing another large dude to say, well I know so and so is big, but he ain't that big. To quote my friend Nugget "Gold."

Community Relations?

2005-09-27T09:17:00.000-05:00

Many of you know that I work in a really small town (like 2,000 people). Part of being a firm in a small town is doing stuff in the community to drum up walk-in business. There is a little Farmer's Market in this town every Saturday. One of my bosses told, eh I mean asked me to volunteer this past Saturday passing out free BBQ to the locals. I had a million things I would have rather done, but I knew he wanted me to do this so I agreed. Besides it was only for about 3 hours so I could still do the things that still needed to be done.

I called the guy coordinating the BBQ and told him I was coming. In a deep Texas drawl, he said, "Glad to have ya on board." Already, I knew this was going to be an adventure. When people talk to me on the phone, I don't sound Rican since I don't have an accent and I annunciate. However, when they see me, there is no denying I'm brown. His first comment to me when he actually met me was, "man you don't look like you're from Puerta Ricah." I assured him that I was, put on an apron and began serving BBQ.

The food went over great and the small town folks loved it. I passed around numerous business cards that were probably used for napkins. In fact, I saw 2 that had BBQ stains on them in the garbage can while we were cleaning up. Anyways, after the food was finished, I helped clean up. I was taking down the tent that was set up. I untied 3 knots but struggled with the 4th. Texas boy saw me strugglin' and, in an apparent brain malfunction says, "Why don't you just cut the string? Don't all Puerta Ricahns carry knives or some kind of switchblade?" Welcome to small town Wisconsin folks!

Wow What a Weekend of Football!

2005-09-26T08:04:00.000-05:00

How else does one define happiness? By having all your teams have a great football weekend. I'm a sports nut. I follow my teams pretty closely and, admittedly pathetic, my attitude tends to change whether they win or lose. However, this weekend was one for the ages! Well, at least it was one where all the stars seemed to align for all the teams the Rican follows. Here is a short recap.

Saturday: Wisconsin had a big game against Big Ten rival Michigan. Wisconsin, historically, struggles badly against this Big Ten power. The Badgers had not beaten Michigan since 1994. That all changed this past Saturday. In his farewell season, Barry Alvarez finally beat Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr (he had been 0-6 previously against him). In what has become known as "Barry Ball," the Badgers grinded it out on the ground with stud tailback Brian Calhoun and won it with a quarterback sneak in the final minutes. Final Score 23-20 and the Badgers are 4-0 in a season many said was a rebuilding year. While that might still be true, this Rican has a feeling that this could be a special team.

Saturday night: UCF finally wins a game! This might mean much to the casual fans since teams win games pretty regularly. But not the Knights. They had been 0-17 in their last 17 games. They had gone 699 days without a victory. Almost 2 damn years! The Knights were a constant presence in ESPN's Bottom 10 including as recently as 3 weeks ago being ranked #1. All that changed at the hands of former MAC rival Marshall University. UCF followed Marshall into Conference USA this year after struggling against them in the MAC. It was supposed to be a rivalry in the making that never materialized due to UCF's inaptitude. Now, after being 0 for their last 699 days, the Knights are in first place in the Eastern Division of Conference USA. Even though they are 1-2 overall, the important record is 1-0 (conference record). Way to go Knights!!

Sunday: Living in Wisconsin and not being a die hard Packers fan is sacrilegious. It's not that I'm not a fan, I follow them and cheer them causally. However, when they play the Bucs, all bets are off. I had gotten crap throughout the week from some of my buddies from up here. They knew that Tampa Bay had not won in Wisconsin since 1989. But this is a different team. This team has early season MVP and Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate Carnell "Cadillac" Williams in the backfield. Cadillac tore through Green Bay's tough run defense for 158 yards on the ground and the Bucs held off the Pack 17-16 at Lambeau Field. With the victory, the Bucs are now 3-0 and in first place of the NFC South Division. The defense is reminiscent of it's 2003 Super Bowl team giving up less than 12 points a game. Cadillac becomes the first player EVER to start his NFL career with 3 straight 100 yard games. Legendary players Emmitt Smith (all time leading rusher), Barry Sanders (the sickest back I've ever seen) and Jim Brown did not do that. I'm not suggesting Cadillac is up there yet, but he sure looks special.

Man what a weekend!

How Does One Define Happiness?

2005-09-22T07:47:00.000-05:00

This seems to be a question no one can answer. What works for one person might not work for someone else. However, here is one humble Rican's feeble attempt at answering said query. Happiness is...

* Finishing your drive through fast food then looking inside the bag to find a few more french fries.

* Waking up in the middle of the night, looking at the clock, then realizing you still have hours before you need to wake up.

* Finding a cure for blue balls in the morning.

* Having an orgasm that was not self induced.

* Waking up on a Thursday morning knowing that Survivor and The Apprentice are on tonight AND knowing that I only have 1 more day until the weekend.

* Flipping on HBO and finding Taxi Cab Confessions (or anything close to an NC-17 rating) on.

* Knowing my fantasy football team is in first place in two leagues.

* The 1st and 15th of every month.

* Finding out one of your especially bitchy exs now weighs close to a deuce.

* The Chapelle Show seasons 1 & 2.

* Going to the movies, knowing that you just snuck in a drink, candy, and popcorn

And last but not least...

* Knowing Baby Rican is less than 3 weeks away!

There's Funny Luck and Then There's Mojo's Luck

2005-09-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a friend that always seems to be the one that crazy/funny stuff happens to. For the longest time I used to think it was me since some of the stuff that happened to me didn't happen to anyone else. That is, until I met my boy Mojo. I've known this dude since my sophomore year in college. He is absolutely hysterical but for some reason, homeboy can never seem to get a break. Here are a few examples of Mojo's luck.

The first time I ever met this dude, was at a party to celebrate my and this girl's birthday party. It was pretty close to the end of the spring semester so we weren't sure how many people would show up because of finals. As it turns out we had exceeded the number of guests allowed per apartment in this gated complex so I had the idea to go outside the gate to tell people where they could park and sneak over. My boy Big John and I were out there first when he said he would be right back since he had to go to the bathroom. He sent his brother Mojo to come out and help me "direct traffic." Mojo came over and we started to just talk about random stuff since it was the first time we met. I was already pretty buzzed so the conversation, I'm sure anyway, was pretty once sided since Mojo only had one beer.

Well, it seems that the rent-a-cop that was manning the gate caught onto our plan (after all we were doing it right in front of his little booth) and started yelling at us to go over there. Since I lived about a half mile away I told Mojo we should just walk back to my place. He agreed but before we could even make it to the main road an undercover cop in a Mustang pulled us over. He told us to get back to the booth because we were being "detained." Being the smart ass that I am, I asked him for a ride but he politely told me to walk back since I had walked away in the first place. We got back to the booth and were questioned. He asked me if I was drunk so I told him, "Hell yeah!" He turned to Mojo and Mojo answered, "No sir, I've only had one." The cop took one look at him and said, "Now I know you are lying, at least this guy had the balls to tell the truth." Mojo and I got our mug shots taken and were told that if we ever return to this complex we would be arrested (I made that bitch take my picture twice to make sure he got my good side). Mojo and I walked back to my place and immediately got on the horn trying to figure out a way to get back into the party. We figured out a way to sneak in using one of my boy's SUV. I laid down in the back seat covered by a blanket and Mojo laid down in the very back (like hatchback part) with another blanket. On our way over, something fell on Mojo but he had to sit there and not say a word. Finally, we got back in the party w/o further incidents.

A couple of years later, we all went on Spring Break together. I rode in Mojo's car with my boys De-licious, and LB. Mojo took the first driving shift and the rest of us slept. On our first pit stop, we grabbed some 20oz bottles of soda, drank 1/3 then filled the rest up with alcohol. LB took the second driving shift and I moved into the front seat with the directions (and drink of course). I looked back at Mojo expecting him to either be drunk or sleeping, but he was running his hand up and down the window stroking it. I had no idea what he was doing and then he caught us looking and said, "What? I'm fucking claustrophobic!" Well dude it would be nice if you had told us that before you decided to drive your small ass Honda Civic on a 6-7 hour road trip.

We finally got to Panama City around 10:00 A.M. (we had left mad early obviously). Check-in wasn't for another 5 hours so we parked, grabbed our coolers and made our way to the beach. It seemed everybody was out there. We found a spot, set our stuff down and started drinking. After a few minutes, Mojo, LB, Woody and Bhudda (I think) decided they were going to go into the water. Being Florida boys, we knew that the water was going to be ice cold (to us anyway) so they figured if they run in, it would cut down on the shock. In a scene out of a gay porno, the four of them took off running toward the ocean (I swear I saw this in slow motion). They all hit the water running and dove in when they reached waist level water. Well, all except for Mojo. Mojo had hit a sandbar while running and turned his ankle really bad, almost to the point of it being broken. He limped out of the water and his ankle was huge. The rest of us couldn't stop laughing. He drank away his pain and just laid around until it was time to check in.

We were herded into a big ballroom where everyone who was checking in was supposed to form a line. Since Mojo couldn't stand he decided to sit outside in the hall and wait for our turn. We made it through the line, checked in, and went looking for Mojo but he was nowhere to be found. We searched the beach, and the hotel but had no luck finding him. About 4 hours later, he appeared by our room with a blanket that didn't belong to any of us. We asked him where the hell he was and he told us that he was tired and cold so he came into the ballroom, grabbed a blanket that he saw nearby and fell asleep. At this point his ankle was huge but he said it no longer hurt. We all decided to get ready and hit the bars.

We partied it up pretty hard that night. I was cornered by some chick who told me that she was looking for a random hookup since her boyfriend was in jail. The place was packed and we pretty much all lost each other. I found Mojo and a few others and we decided to walk back to our hotel. While walking back, Mojo told me he had to piss and I told him I had to also. We decided to pull up to the next building we saw and just piss on the wall. One of my friends pulled me away and said, "dude you don't want to do that." Before I could warn Mojo, he had let it fly. It turns out the building he chose was the security building, and he pissed on the wall next to the door as the guard walked out. He was arrested. He was told that if he didn't want to go to jail, he would have to clean the hotel the next morning with the rest of the people that were arrested. Naturally he chose to clean the hotel. We woke up the next morning to a knock on our door from a limping Mojo with a mop, bucket and a vacuum cleaner. While the rest of us partied like it was 1999, poor Mojo cleaned the hotel the entire day with the rest of the arrested rejects. If it wasn't for shitty luck, I don't know what Mojo would have.

F&*#ed up Dreams

2005-09-19T08:01:00.000-05:00

Has anyone ever had those dreams that when you wake up the next day you thought to yourself where the hell did THAT come from? Last week I had dreams on back to back nights that had me shaking my head in the morning.

My first dream was a crazy sex dream with a girl I went to law school with. She had asked (this isn't part of the dream this is background info) me if I had an outline for one of her classes. I told her I did and that I would email it to her when I found it. Well I went looking for it and couldn't find it so I decided I'd give her my hard copy. I went to bed that night and I guess that was still in my head. I dreamt that we were in tax class together and started going at it in the middle of class but no one around seemed to notice or care. We finished and I uttered the cheesiest line I could think of, "I've been waiting to do that to you since your 1L year." Damn.

The next night I went to bed without anything like that on my mind. However, I had watched some shit on HBO about kidnapping. I'm not sure exactly how my dream went but I remember the general idea. For some reason I killed someone was holed up in some compound with hostages. I couldn't figure out why I had killed the person but I remember contemplating suicide since I didn't want to go to jail. Finally the police talked me out of suicide and told me I would be going to jail in Puerto Rico. Man, that's the last time I eat ice cream and watch HBO before bed...

Asshole of the Week

2005-09-15T10:10:00.000-05:00

This week it wasn't quite as easy for me to decide who I wanted to give the prestigious Asshole of the Week award to. It's certainly not for lack of nominees. I think Bush could be nominated every week and his shitty attempt at an apology for the response to Katrina almost made me puke in my own mouth. But he's too easy. This week I'm going to go with the NCAA.

Why you ask? What could the good people of college athletics have possibly done? Nothing, that's the fucking problem. Given the chance to help out a lot of the people of Katrina, the NCAA denied college basketball's request for an extra preseason game to raise money for the relief efforts. Given an opportunity, just this one time, to allow athletes to transfer schools without sitting out the mandatory year under the current rules, the NCAA said no. They reasoned that they didn't want colleges "looting" the affected schools leaving them with little if any talent. That's completely preposterous. I personally do not think most athletes would leave their college because of the current tragedy affecting the Gulf Coast, but I know some would like to go somewhere else where this kind of thing perhaps doesn't happen. Perhaps some of them want to go to a school where they are actually playing "home" games. Regardless the reason, the NCAA needs to back off from it's heartless stance that allows coaches to jump ship but not the athletes that makes it billions of dollars every year. Congratulations NCAA for being the Rican's Asshole of the Week!

Things Guys Never Want to Hear From a Girl

2005-09-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

Here is a list of things a guy never wants to hear from a girl in one context or another. Feel free to add more if you can think of anything that I left off.

1) "Is it in yet"...uh I'm already done

2) "Wow I totally wanted to sleep with you too" (after your missed opportunity)

3) "I'm a lesbian" (when you lean in for the kiss after the Rican look)

4) "I'm not laughing at it, really, it's just cute"

5) "Size doesn't matter...really"

6) After you tell her it's not your porn she just found, "that's a shame cause I really like that"

7) "It's not your kid"

8) "You remind me so much of my brother (or friend)" when you try to make a move

9) "You are just too nice for me to do anything with you"

10) "Can we talk"

11) "I like guys that are a little soft around the middle"

12) "Damn I think I just got my period" (when you are planning on making the move

13) "I'd love to be with a woman, but I could never do it with you there"

14) "Do you think she's pretty"

15) "Would you mind if I didn't shave this week?"

16) "That's not the way (insert EX's name here) used to do it"

17) "Do you see anything different about me?"

18) "Man you are just like one of the girls"

19) "Do these pants make me look fat?"

20) "I used to be a guy"

Update:

21) "You were the last guy I slept with before becoming a lesbian"

Free Lunch?

2005-09-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

My tax professor for the past two years used to say there is no such thing as a free lunch (although I think he was talking about the IRS but who cares). You know what? Obviously, that fool never joined any of the numerous groups around law school. If you plan your shit right, you could count on eating free at least once a week on the law school's dime (at least you could at mine).

I didn't really learn this trick until about my second semester of my second year so I missed out on a lot. After I found out you could eat free all the time I became the most well rounded law student in law school. One week I was a Federalist student, the next I was in Democrats in Law School. I think in one week alone I was Black, Latino and Indian just to get free pizza, subs you name it. I think I was even on the email list for the lesbian and gay society, the environmental law society, and the Jewish law society. I never really cared too much for any of these organizations (except for the Latino one since I'm the one that had to get the pizza and look at those damn moochers eating our shit just because it was there), BUT when it came time for food, you know my ass was standing up for whatever that particular organization was about. Shit, I even think I told someone that I voted for Bush because he asked me in the line to get food.

The other one to keep an eye out is for career services. They seem to put up free lunch signs all the time. Homer, Nugget, and I went 3 days straight with free food. We basically went in took some food and left in the middle of the presentation because we had class. So my dear 1Ls who wonder what groups they should join my advice is simply, join them all (at least their e-mail lists). Chances are you will be able to laugh at your tax professor who missed out on the free lunch!

Mascots

2005-09-12T14:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that there are some funky mascots out there. I was at a party recently were I didn't really know anyone except for Homer. I was introduced to some pretty cool people (including a Luger top 10!) and we began discussing the different colored shot glasses on the table. The shots were purple and yellow so I assumed the person who made them was a Lakers fan. Nope it turns out she was a Pointers fan.

What's a pointer you ask? I had the same reaction. It turns out that UW-Steven's Point are called the Pointers (after dog not the city). I mean couldn't they be a little more creative than this? As one girl pointed out at the party, does that mean that their big foamy hands at the football games just have one finger pointing into different directions?

After this conversation I started thinking about different mascots that were either weird or just plain dumb. Here's what I could come up with:

1) Stuff the Magic Dragon - I'm a huge Magic fan so this hurts but seriously, just because the team is in Orlando doesn't mean you gotta name it after an amusement park?

2) Oregon State Beavers - when I think of Beavers I sure as hell don't get all scared or intimidated, in fact I think of....nevermind

3) Any team with the mascot Aggies - just what the hell is an Aggie? Any Texas A&M alums out there care to share?

4) Pittsburgh Penguins - I'm not a hockey fan so I might be off base here, but really what the hell can a Penguin do? Waddle over and slap you with those little flippers, seriously?

5) New York Mets - this is actually short for metropolitans. Metropolitans? A city of 9 million people and you couldn't think of anything more creative than this? No wonder they end up playing second fiddle to the Yankees.

Are there any other mascots out there that ya'll can think about? My mind is drawing a blank but I'm sure there are more.

Old School?

2005-09-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

I used to make fun of my parents and some of their friends when they would listen to the "oldies" station because it truly pointed out their age. I also told myself that I would probably suffer from instant depression the first time I heard one of the songs I got down to on the Oldies station. Thankfully it hasn't happened yet (at least not that I know of, since my radio rejects those stations for its owner's sanity). However, lately I've been listening to the radio when the DJs say "here's an old school jam for all of ya'll," only to end up playing something, that to me at least, is not what I would consider old School.

For example, just this morning on my way to work, the DJ said that same line then started playing "Juicy" by Biggie. I've heard that line used before songs like "Ditty," "Dear Mama," anything by DMX, and LL Cool J. Since when is like 6-8 years ago old school? I thought old school meant like way back in the day at least 15 years ago. Damn when the hell did I become "Old School?" I mean I know I'm getting old and shit but shit I'm only 26!

Asshole of the Week

2005-09-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

This is seriously almost too easy. I was going to go with that bitch Katrina because of all the devastation she has brought with her but that was last week (man my award is just slipping by week by week). However, former first lady came the rescue this week. In case you don't know (which I'm sure you do since it's been all over the place) this woman said the following when referring to the thousands of refugees from New Orleans that are housed in the Astrodome, ""...many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them."

Are you serious? This is working out for them? Who the fuck wants to be in the damn Astrodome when your city is under 12 feet of water. Does she think this is the damn Four Seasons? There is a reason why the Astros (or any other professional team for that matter) plays in this thing. It's old, it's dirty and there aren't exactly queen size beds just hanging around. These people are trying to live in small upright chairs using bathrooms that are old as sin with essentially no shower. It also ain't like you got the cracker jack and peanut guy coming around selling shit right after the beer guy you know?

It's hard for me to have confidence in this family when they open their mouth and shit like that comes out. Congratulations B, you are the Rican's asshole of the week!

First Day of School

2005-09-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

Oh wait, it's not my first day since I already graduated. It feels a tad strange (ok more than just a tad but I don't want to sound like that old guy that can't say goodbye) and depressing for me not to be in school right now. With the exception of a year between law school and undergrad I have been in school for 19 years (damn!). It's a good thing I still have friends in school to live vicariously through and get me through my slight depression.

Naturally there are some things I miss more than others. I don't miss being the first person called on in class on the first day. See law school has this shitty habit of assigning homework BEFORE school starts. I also don't miss the $500 a semester that you have to spend around the first day of school for books that you might not even read (but they sure are impressive in my office).

I do miss the anticipation of getting to class early to scope out the good seats. You know the kind I'm talking about. They are the seats next to the hot girl (or guy whatever floats your boat) in the class and if that's not available, then the seats at the back of the class that allow you to play online (and watch movies) w/o being distracting too many people (really w/o anyone knowing what you are watching). Cause you know you don't want to end up in the front few rows with the gunners and tightwads.

I miss walking into class my first year and seeing whether or not you got lucky in your small group. Whether or not you were rewarded with cool good looking people, which I did because we had an unusually high number of attractive women and cool people in my group. I also miss walking into class and sizing up your classmates. You know you do that. You look at everyone and try to determine whether they are smarter than you or not, whether they will be the gunner of the class, or whether they will bring up the curve.

Man I can't believe I ain't in class today. This is a sad day in Rican world. This is the day I realize that I am no longer a student. Now I have a real job with real shit to worry about. What I'm trying to say is everyone who is going back to school (or already has) enjoy it damn it. Before you know you will be the old guy at the bar talking about blogging and blogging about how much you miss school.

Things I'll Never Understand

2005-09-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

Why is it that Bush was playing the guitar on Wednesday immediately after one of the worst disasters in the country's history and then Friday states that the relief results are unacceptable? If that were the case where the hell have you been? Why have you waited until today to fly down and examine the damage?

Why is it that every picture I see of the carnage in New Orleans always includes nothing but black people? Do you think the relief results Bush talks about being unacceptable would have been different if it was Texas or if it was mostly white people suffering? I'm not suggesting he's a racist but one has to wonder why these people have been treated like savages in a third world country and not Americans in the 21 century.

Why is it that the stories I hear about on the news are about Brett Favre's family, Marshall Faulk's family and every other athlete or celebrity who happens to have family in the area of the destruction? Why can't we show concern for those people and in addition to the poor families of these famous people? They are all in this together.

Why is it that it takes Congress 5 days since the hurricane hit to call of their recess to approve Billions of dollars in aid that was needed 4 days ago?

How Not to Impress Your Boss

2005-09-02T10:25:00.000-05:00

Me: Damn, (other associate) do you know why the light is still on in the bathroom?

Other Associate: I think it's because it's attached to the fan.

Me: Attached to the fan? That light has been on for the past hour.

Other Associate: I think (my boss) was the last one to use it.

Me: Damn he must have dropped some serious ass in there to keep that fan on for that long. Bombs Away!

Boss: I can hear you and for your information I had just forgotten to shut it off can you get that for me now?

Me: Uh sure...

The Coupon Dilemma

2005-09-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

I've been around coupons most of my life. My mom has clipped them for as long as I remember and since I have moved out of my house, I've clipped them myself. Is this another one of those women things that I end up doing? I have no problems using coupons at the grocery store for cereal, bread, etc. I figured if those are necessities of life why not save $0.35. Why not get a pizza free of equal or greater value with the purchase of one at the regular menu price you know? However, there is a certain stigma when people use coupons. They are often seen as being cheap (or frugal if you prefer).

Well lately (by lately I think I mean within the last 5 years) there have been entertainment books put out for fundraising purposes. In these books there are a plethora of coupons from golf courses to grocery stores and restaurants. Well in here lies my dilemma. Again, I have no problem using a coupon at a place like Mickey D's, BK or Taco Bell but a sit down place? That's a little different. Some of these entertainment books have coupons for really nice upscale restaurants and some have it for your run of the mill Olive Garden and Chili's (more my style).

But again there is that stigma about coupon clippers. They are often seen as being cheap (or frugal if you prefer). I don't care who thinks I'm cheap at Target or the local grocery store but damn I don't want my server thinking I'm going to stiff him/her at Chili's because the bill is only $10.86 after my coupon, instead of $17.32. I mean I know I'm supposed to tip on the original amount and not the coupon amount, I ain't dumb.

The thing that I don't get is that they always ask you to present the coupon when ordering rather than when the bill comes in. Wouldn't you want the person to see the old amount first so they know how much they saved and how much to tip on? If someone presents the coupon before service then they are reduced to guessing how much to tip based on an amount that doesn't accurately reflect the value of their meal. Doesn't that just make the experience worse? If the servers knows you are going to be the cheap ass with the coupon, wouldn't the service presumably get worse, forcing you to leave a shitty tip because the service was bad and not because you are cheap? Won't this create and endless cycle of shitty service to people that present their coupons before ordering, causing them to tip according to said shitty service forcing the company to stop putting out coupons for their restaurants since no one will want to work for an establishment that caters to a bunch of cheap ass patrons that don't tip well? What in the name's of frugal consumers is one to do? Swallow your pride and tip 20% no matter how bad the service if you are using a coupon or stop clipping altogether and hope for great service with a less enjoyable meal since you know you COULD HAVE been saving $5-8 on that meal?

Law School Reflections of a Specific Class

2005-08-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

Homer has some pretty funny stories about his law school days on his blog. We were in a lot of the same classes in law school so I've seen his experiences first hand. We sat next to each other in one specific class (which shall remain nameless) and did a whole bunch of nothing. We would sit in the back of the class watching funny videos on the internet while trying to keep a straight face. Our biggest challenge, other than keeping a straight face, was trying to keep Nugget from giving us away since he liked to lean over Homer to see what we were looking at.

There were days when we would also start a class wide chatroom and try to see how many people we could get in the room. The class size was about 60 and I think the highest number we had in the room at one time was probably about 20. Then the teacher tried to "catch us in the act" and walked to the back of the class room where we were at to see what was on the computer so that ended the chatroom for a few days.

One day, seeing that our teacher was hell bent on preventing us from doing what we normally do, we decided to hold a draft of the women in the class much like one does for fantasy football, baseball, etc. We went through the motions of who picks first, the rules and how many people would be on a team. We each picked one by one which girls we would want on our team based on looks, personality, etc. After it was all said and done we looked at each of our teams and declared ourselves the winner. Naturally, we went to Nugget to find out his opinion. He seemed to side with Homer and declared him the winner. I think Homer might still have that list and I'd personally like to revisit it for a recount. Man those were the good old days of law school...

Thoughts and Prayers

2005-08-31T08:10:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to write a quick note to all the victims and people affected by that monster Hurricane Katrina. My friends and family went through 3 pretty bad Hurricanes last year in Florida but the damage wasn't nearly as shocking as the pictures coming out of New Orleans are. I sincerely hope that the missing people are found alive and well and that casualties are minimal. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you down there.

Not what I expected...

2005-08-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

*Warning this post is a little explicit (isn't that something that people write when they want you to read what you are going to say).*

I'm convinced every guy and most girls out there in cyberspace have search for some porn here and there. Some people do it regularly and some people do it just when the time feels right (if it's good enough for Tom Brady then it's good enough for me). Well I was messing around the other day looking at stuff and came across a site that had trailers to their actual movies.

Being the curious sort that I am I decided to click on a few of these trailers to see what was available. Some of it was weird and some of it was pretty cool. Then I came upon a curious one. The girl in it was really hot and it looked like it was going to be a solo trailer. I clicked on it to see what was up and started watching. It was only about a 20 sec but something caught my eye (not what you think perverts!) and I had to watch it again. I thought that I was seeing things when I first watched it but to my surprise I had not imagined it. The girl in the video was straight up cross-eyed. I mean not like she had a lazy eye that just kind of floats out there. Homegirl was working it with her left eye trying to look at her right eye.

You pay (presumably) pretty good money to some of these women to do what they do and this is the best you could come up with? I couldn't even watch it for what it was meant to be watched for because I was mesmerized by seeing a cross-eyed porn star. Easily the weirdest thing I've seen and you know there is some weird shit out there. Anyone else see anything remotely strange like this?

Update: Here is the link for the 2 people who asked for it. I will warn you that it is VERY EXPLICIT so if you aren't into it you will now enjoy it.

Tagged Again

2005-08-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Gold Nugget so I must comply. Here they are:

List ten songs you are currently digging....it doesn't matter what genre, or if they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists and the tens songs on your Blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

The ten songs that I am currently listening to are.....

1. Gold Digger - Kanye West
2. Ain't Nuttin but a G' Thang - Dre and Snoop
3. Notorious Thugs - Notorious B.I.G and Bone Thugs
4. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet
5. Juicy - Notorious B.I.G.
6. Changes - Tupac
7. Anytime - Brian McKnight
8. Numb/Encore mix - Jay Z & Linkin Park
9. Let me Hold you - Bow Wow and Omarion
10. Outta Control - 50 cent

I ain't tagging anyone but if you feel like doing it go ahead with yo bad ass self.

Uh...Thank You Officer?

2005-08-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

I've never been good with the boys in blue. It seems every time I ran into an officer of the law I was caught doing something stupid or saying something dumber. I remember when I was in 10th grade my friends and I went to Mickey D's before hitting the bowling alley. Two police officers came into the restaurant and headed toward the bathroom. As the last of the two was walking in the door I yelled "I SMELL BACON!" Naturally the nice officers took their time in the bathroom and casually strolled over to my table where I thought I had gotten away with my prank. They asked which us which one of us smelled bacon and my friends sold me out without even thinking twice. The nice officer asked me my name and phone number. He was nice enough to call my parents and clue them in as to what I had done. Before he was done he smirked and said, "I bet you'll think twice before trying to be cool in front of your friends." Uh yeah asshole thanks.

When I was 16 I thought I was hot shit because I got to drive to school (even though it was less than a mile from my house). One time I kind of paused at a stop sign rather than completely stopping and didn't see the police officer. By the time I pulled into the driveway I realized there was a cop behind me with flashing lights. Not knowing what happened, I confidently strode over to the police officer and asked him what was wrong. He informed me that I had ran a stop sign and that if I HAD stopped, I would have seen him. Then I noticed all the neighbors at their windows checking out the true life cops episode unfolding on their presumably safe street. I didn't tell my parents at first what happened and since my bro is more the black sheep of the fam they assumed it was him who was in trouble when a stupid ass neighbor asked why the police where in our drive way. Of course I got a ticket and the officer indicated I was Hispanic in the race box.

2 years later I got pulled over on campus at UCF for going 27 in a 25. 27! Are you fucking kidding me. The asshole said I was speeding in a school zone and begged me to take him to court so he could make me pay more. I tried to fight like hell to get the ticket reduced (from $149) and lost. The only joy I took out of that was that it was about 100 degrees outside and I saw this bastard sweating on his nice new Oakleys. Once again Hispanic in the race box.

Well earlier today I was driving through little town Wisconsin going about 67 in a 55. I saw the police officer coming in the opposite direction and took my foot off the gas. I saw him do a U-turn and knew my ass was in the sling. I slowed down to 55 and then saw him flick on his lights. Knowing I was busted, I apologized to the people in the car. He came over and asked for my license and registration. After spending a good 10 minutes determining I was not a sex offender, habitual criminal or uninsured he gave me back my license and registration. He then gave me something I've never seen in all my driving years (10 to be exact). I got a written warning. I couldn't believe it. He told me that if I get pulled over within a year I get a ticket automatically and told me to be careful when I drive.

Not knowing what to do with my new found enthusiasm. I carefully scanned the warning to make sure I wasn't getting Punk'd. After reaching the pinnacle of my euphoric state of mind, I noticed something that truly brought me back down to earth. After looking closely at the warning it seems that Mr. Officer thought I was a gringo. That's right folks, in the race box it didn't indicate Hispanic as it did on the previous encounters with the boys in blue. This guy thought I was white. It could be that since spending 3 years in Wisconsin has finally rid me of any sense of color I acquired living in Florida or perhaps it was the fact that I had 2 white women in the car with me. Whatever the case may be, it seems that the only way to get out of a ticket is by being white. Right Q Negro?

Worst Jobs

2005-08-25T07:58:00.000-05:00

Homer and I were talking one day a while back about what some of the worst jobs are out there. We actually couldn't think of very many but I think this is the current list I have in mind for some of the worst jobs in this world. Feel free to contribute to this list if you can think of others.

1. Omarosa's PR person and husband - you know being that lady's husband is a job 24/7/365 and a crappy job at that. Her PR person constantly has to spin the crazy shit this woman says into something that won't damage her "career"

2. The guy that has to clean up those porn booths that you stick quarters in and watch the girls dance through a glass screen - can you imagine a shittier job? I can...(no pun intended)

3. The guy that has to walk behind the elephants or horses in a parade with the big ass shovel and the garbage can - not only do you have to dogde the piss that flows like the Niagara Waterfalls, you have to pick up the watermelon size shit once the animal chooses to relieve itself.

4. Donald Trump's Hair person - if this man is one of the wealthiest people in the country and this is the best that can be done with his lettuce patch you know the hair stylist has a bad job.

5. The guy that has to help sumo wrestlers out of their cloth and then subsequently clean the cloth - this is just a horrible thought, nuff said

6. Porn movie camera man - many would think this would be a great job but to me being at a job where you have to concentrate and hold the camera steady with an undoubtedly bulging erection has got to be one of the most difficult self imposed pain mechanisms I can think of.

7. Any character at an amusement park - I grew up in O-town and had friends who were characters at Disney. I heard how those kids beat up on you and threw shit on you, man there's no way I wouldn't hit back.

8. Telemarketer - I always interrupt them in the middle of their speech and tell them to take me off their list but I know there are much worse people who curse these people out the shitty part about the job? You can't hang up on anyone.

9. Dental Hygenist - you just know some people come into the dentist after eating some nasty ass garlic and onion laden meal at an Italian restaurant just to punish this poor people and you know that mask can't possibly block out all the stankness.

Last but not least...

10. The person who has to clean the bathroom at your local porn shop - you just know that even though there is a sign explicitly stating that no hanky panky is supposed to go down in the bathroom you get some nasty ass people who can't wait to jerk it.

Any other jobs?

How did you find my blog?

2005-08-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

I admit I'm easily entertained. I have heard the saying simple pleasures for simple minds and have no qualms admitting that it doesn't take much to amuse me. I'm also always interested in how people land on my blog. I know that some of the 5 people that read my blog have come to find it via the "next blog" button. Lately though I've been getting some visits from some people running some funky searches. Here are some of the funnier ones:

drunk puerto rican girl fucking - wow I didn't realize I had written anything like that on here at all, I hope you found something good on your other searches.

law school best looking women - I posted on this subject a while back but I made the comparison to being the valedictorian at summer school (hat tip: Homer)

you know you are old when - this has come up twice recently so I'm glad to know that I'm not the only old fart out here.

how to apply cologne - let's just hope this person read the comments and not just the post since I was putting it on the "hot spots" (for girls according to Buddha) and the trailer (which no one seemed to think was a good idea)

and my favorite:

puerto rican boobs - who knew typing the word man boobs would increase the traffic on the Rican blog. I can only hope that person was only midly disappointed when he/she realized that there was no boobage on this site.

Sidebar: has anyone noticed that when you do the spell check thing before you post, blogger doesn't know how to spell? I mean boobs is considered mispelled but you give me boobies as an option?

We're #1!

2005-08-23T09:11:00.000-05:00

University of Wisconsin was ranked #1 party school in the country! Read all about it here. Perhaps they can include this in the informational brochures they send out to prospective students.

Asshole of the Week

2005-08-23T07:58:00.000-05:00

It's time to revive an old Rican Tuesday tradition that for some unexplained reason I have ignored lately. The Asshole of the Week Award returns today! There have been many assholes since I last posted on this in July but there is no doubt who I have in mind for today's prestigious award. The Asshole of the Week award goes to none other than the Leomiti family. Oh you don't know who they are? Well you can read about it here or just read on for my explanation.

For those of you who know me, you all know how much I love reality tv. While Survivor and The Real World are my favorites, I still enjoy watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition a lot. I like what Ty and his gang do for needy people who desperately need a new place to live. In this episode, 5 kids lost their parents to cancer and heart failure within 3 months of each other and the Leomiti family took them into their home. They made a tape to send into ABC pleading for a bigger house since their 1,300 square foot home could not accommodate 5 more people. They were selected and ABC built them a new home and gave all the kids over 16 cars. Now it seems that the Leomiti family only wanted the kids to move in so they could get selected for the show and have a bigger home built for them. It seems that they have been using racial slurs toward the 5 orphans (who are black) and began working to evict the kids from the home through physical abuse and name calling.

How the hell are you going to invite 5 kids to live with you after they lost both parents in a 3 month stretch only to increase your chances of getting selected for a show them pepper the kids with racial slurs and physical abuse so they move out of the house? How are you going to take away the kid's cars and other prizes the show gave them? The 5 kids have sued and if it turns out what they are alleging is true, here's hoping they get what they deserve since they were the reason you were selected. Congratulations Leomiti family! You all are my Asshole of the Week!

Casual Friday?

2005-08-22T08:36:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I work in a small town in a small law firm. The environment suits me well because the people are laid back and like to joke around. Since it's such a small office and since the partners actually own the building we are in, they are the ones that do the basic upkeep like mowing the lawn, planting trees, weeding, etc. The partners recently decided that they would make Fridays causal attire days. Basically this meant we could wear jeans. Recently, one of the partners has gotten more casual every week. One week he started wearing sneakers with the jeans and polo. Two weeks ago he went to just a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Last week though he took it to a new level.

He once again walked in wearing a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. It had been a pretty crazy week because of tight deadlines and the recent loss of one of our paralegals. Late afternoon Friday, the partner announces that he's just going to do yard work the rest of the day since he was sick of looking at law stuff (can you blame him?). After an hour the other associate tells me to look outside my window and check out our boss. Would you believe it, this guy is digging up dirt and planting small shrubs in his damn boxers! No shorts, no jeans, no shirt, just his boxers and his sneakers.

After the initial shock wore off, I noticed that he was sporting some major plumber's crack. Obviously the other associate and I are grossed out but we had to fuck with him about it. I opened up my window and screamed out "CRACK KILLS!" He looked up and half laughed, half smirked like he was pissed. He yelled back that this was where "the ladies" put the dollar bills when they drove by (mind you this is in the middle of little town America where everyone knows everyone).

After closing my window (and blinds) I worked the rest of the day out and got ready to leave. The other associate and I walked out together looked to our right and saw the partner still working on the lawn but his boxers were pulled up about 3 inches below his shirt. I don't know if he did that in response to our comment or just to mess around with us. Man they never taught me anything about this when I went to law school...

First Impression

2005-08-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression." For the life of me I can't remember where that is from but I think it's from some toothpaste or gum commercial. Anyways, as most of you know I got a Baby Rican on the way soon so along with that comes the parenting classes before birth where they teach you stuff about labor, breathing, father's role, etc. We had class yesterday and naturally the Rican made a great first day impression.

The lady started by having everyone introduce themselves to the class and say a little about themselves. That was easy enough and we got through that quick. Next, came the power point presentation about the different stages of labor and what the body is doing to get ready for Baby Rican. Cool, at this point I'm still very interested and learning a lot. Then we go to the "breathing techniques."

I'm sure all of you know the standard one that you always hear. The closest thing I can think of to relate it in words is "puff, puff, give" but obviously with breathing and not weed. The teacher has everyone close their eyes and practice that and after a few minutes everyone seems to get it down. She lets us breathe like that for a few more minutes to learn the "feeling" of active breathing (I thought anyone who is breathing is actively breathing, apparently I was wrong).

Next she teaches us the deep "relaxation breathing." She again has us close our eyes to practice this technique. At this point, we had been in class for over 2 hours and since I wake up every morning before the damn roosters, I was very tired/sleepy. It did not help that there was slow classical music in the background and the lights were turned off. Without a moment's notice, the Rican starts snoring (I snore like a mutha so this is not a surprise and it usually takes me about 3 seconds to fall asleep and begin snoring). I snore so loud that I wake myself up. I looked around to see some people laughing and another guy give me the man I'm glad it wasn't me look. The teacher ended up turning the lights back on and turning the music up a little bit. Finally, after watching a birth, the class ended. As I was getting our stuff, I made eye contact with some people and got the distinct feeling that they were thinking, "THAT guy is going to be a father?" I couldn't agree with them more myself ;-)

What Would You Do For $1?

2005-08-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

Now, I probably wouldn't do too much for it, but back in the day, I made a deal with one of my boys to grab a girl's ass I had just met. It started off as a practical joke between a group of us and grew to a dare. I dare you to grab LL's butt for a dollar. Now it wouldn't be a big deal because LL and I are close, but back then, this was the first time I had ever met her. She was a friend of a friend that we had heard about but that was about it.

So the plan was hatched. I was going to grab her butt in front of my friends for proof and my boy M was going to pay me. She came into where we were at and introduced herself. We all said what's up and since she was fine we all started running game. LL was really shy around us, so she went to hang out with Big Nig (the guy she knew). She came back into the room to get something to drink and I saw my opportunity. I told myself on her way back outside I would do it. I finally got the courage smiled at her when she walked by and reached out my hand. It was as if time had slowed down. I saw her booty swinging from side to side and my hand slowly approaching it. Finally I planted my right hand firmly on her butt, gave it a little squeeze and pull my hand away. She looked at me completely disgusted and I think I heard her say something like Big Nig what's wrong with your boy, he just grabbed my ass.

I didn't care, I was on cloud 9 knowing that not only had I grabbed a hot girl's ass, but I has also made myself $1 richer. How old was I you wonder? Well I was the tender ripe age of 20. That's right, I wasn't 6,7 or even 10. I was 20 years old at spring break and drunk with the rest of my friends. Man these spring break stories...

Awkward Moment

2005-08-16T07:16:00.000-05:00

Have any of you guys been out somewhere and seen someone who obviously did not want to be seen out? The reaction of these people is always priceless.

I was out this past weekend with some of my boys that were moving out of town and we started bar hopping. We hung out at this place waiting for the guy who told us to meet there (but he didn't show up until mad later, from what I'm told he was with an X) and then went to a second place. At this next bar we start hanging out and I see S. We'll call her S and not reveal too much information about since I told her I would keep it on the DL (little did she know I was going to be writing about it on the internet).

Initially I did a double take because I wasn't sure where I knew her from but I could tell she was familiar. I told my boy where I thought I knew her from and he was cool. After a couple of beers and a tequila shot I decided to talk to her, say hello and confirm if she was from where I thought I knew her from. I might as well been the Grim Reaper. The color just left her face and she was just frozen. Finally she smiles and she recognizes me. We start making small talk about where I know her from and just talk about whatever comes up (I didn't really know her, I just knew who she was).

She had sat down on a bench near where we were so we just continued talking. I couldn't tell who she was with since she was alone but I could tell she was buzzed. She was very friendly (not in that way get your minds out of the gutter) and touchy. Finally I saw who she was with and it was another girl! Again, I don't really know her and for all I know it could have been her long time lover but she definitely didn't want this information out there like that. She introduced me to her as her friend we made some more small talk. My boys decided to leave and go to another bar so I told S I had to go. As I'm saying goodbye she pulls me close and begs me not to tell anyone especially the person that we know in common that she was out and that she was with another woman. I said sure and told her since I was pretty buzzed I wouldn't remember anyway (obviously that didn't happen).

Has this happened to any of you? The look on these people is just hysterical. It's like they were caught with the hand in the wrong cookie jar ;-)

Embarrassing Story from Back in the Day

2005-08-11T08:15:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that I went out a lot and partied like a rock star back in the day. We had scheduled nights to go out to different places almost every week. It usually centered on us drinking before we went out (since we were under age) and then trying to find the hunnys to dance the night away with (at least get your freak nasty on out on the dance floor). Naturally when you hang around the same group of fellas, and you've known them basically since middle school, you will always try to outdo one another or try to cock block when someone is running game.

One night we went to this club that had 3 different styles of music in the 3 different rooms. This was one of my favorite clubs because no matter what I was in the mood to get down to I could always find it. Throughout the night we stayed in the main room and got our share of booty on the dance floor. None of us would ever be considered a pro dancer or anything but we know how to at least move to the rhythm of the music so we never really had problems finding girls to dance with. I had been dancing with a couple of cool girls and had scored a phone number even though it was still mad early. Being Rican, I started talking shit to my boys about how I had the moves and the game and how it was a deadly combo.

I saw this chick dancing kind of off to the side with some of her girls. She was smoking hot and curvy. She had on these tight jeans and low cut top (ya'll know what I'm talking about). Anyways I she had caught my eye early in the night and then I looked over at her and it seemed to me that we made eye contact and dare I say I felt a "connection." Again being the Rican that I am I bragged to my boys how I was going to slide on over there dance with her for a while and get her number. I had told them how we made eye contact and she gave me a good look (looking back now for all I know she might have had an eyelash in her eye or something). They talk shit and told me that I would strike out.

Never backing down from a challenge, I strode over to her confident in my ability to get her out on the dance floor and get my groove on. As I approached her and her group of friends I popped a piece of gum in my mouth cause you know you can't be going over with some funky breath. I reached her smiled and asked, "do you wanna dance?" She kind of gave me that look that you see when the DJ misses a scratch on the turn tables and was like, "NO!" Shocked and embarrassed I thought quick and told her in her ear that she must have heard me wrong. She then asked me "didn't you ask me to dance?" I leaned over close to her ear and whispered to her, "no, no, no I only came over to say that you look fat in your pants."

I told my boys what happened and to this day they will not give me props for thinking on my feet. They just dwelled on the fact that the Rican that talked so much shit throughout the entire night was dissed by some chick in front of her friends.

21 B-day Party aka Helicopter Story

2005-08-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

As you all read in my last post, I had a hell of a time on my 21st birthday. As I'm sure you have already forgotten though, my birthday was on a Thursday, so naturally we had all weekend to party it up like it was 1999 (even though it was already 2000). Well we decided to throw a party on Friday (the day after my drunken debauchery in the club full of mistakes).

Just for a little bit of background, we had been throwing parties for about a year (our first big one was my 20th b-day where I was "detained" by the police but that's another story for another post). We had built quite a reputation that our parties were always a lot of fun, had great music (since one of my boys is a DJ) and tons of females. We printed out about 60 flyers to pass out at school with directions to the house and passed them out during the week. Our flyers were gone in like 2 days so we knew we would probably have a ton of people at the party.

Friday comes around and I'm hungover as hell. I can't believe we are actually going to have this party tonight and still gotta get ready. I finally get out of bed and throw away my puked on clothes (which hurts because it was my favorite shirt) around noon.We gathered up a lot of the crew and headed up to the liquor store to pick up the kegs. Our standard party issue keg requirement was 2 since we never liked running out and if anything was left over we would drink it while cleaning up the person's house we just trashed. We decide on 5 kegs because we just weren't sure how many people were coming but we knew there would be a lot. By the way this was a Hawaiian party so I was in my loudest ass flower shirt and lays all around my neck when we got into the store.

Finally, we go over the house, which sits in a normal residential neighborhood that college kids don't live in (Buddha had already graduated) and pull out 4 of the kegs and set them up outside on the porch in tubs of ice. We looked at each other and just shook our heads knowing there was no way we would drink this much alcohol in one night. We left one in the car since we had nowhere else to put it.

The people start flowing in at like 9:30. It's a nice steady flow of people that I know or at least know of and understand how they heard about the party. The beer starts flowing, music starts playing and the party begins to get mad fun. I'm already trashed and someone comes through the crowd of people and told me that my Pops had showed up. I was like what? Naturally, I gave my boy my beer since Pops had never seen me drink before and I went outside to see him. He said that I had left a flyer at the house and decided to stop by and say hello and happy birthday since I didn't see him the day before. I hung out with a little bit and he was like I think I'm going to leave now before the cops show up or the street gets blocked. I didn't understand what he meant by the street being blocked so I looked around and saw that there were cars everywhere. Cars on the side of the street, in people's yards and parked in the middle of the street.

At this point, we had been partying for about an hour and I noticed that there was a massive amount of people at the party that I didn't know. People knew it was my birthday so I had strangers come up and be like oh hey man happy birthday here's another beer (since there was a huge ass line to get the beer in the backyard). I even had one stranger show me the flyer we made to ensure that she indeed was invited and not just some random person who heard about a party. My boy Woody and I tried to do a headcount and stopped trying after we got past 250.

By far this was the biggest party we had ever thrown and it was just crazy. Every stereotypical group was represented. We had the Greeks (who I heard left their party to come to ours), we had the freaks (friends of friends), the blacks, the latinos, the preps and the football players. When the football players rolled up we saw a cloud of smoke come out of the cab in the truck they were riding in. I asked them how they could smoke w/o failing a test for athletic and they were like oh nigga we know when the tests will be ahead of time. As soon as they showed up one of the neighbors came over and told us there were cars parked all over the street and no one could get through. One of the football players was like well shit we can move the car and recruited some of his boys and the one guy of our group that looks like a football player and picked up the car and moved it out of the way. Even though I was trashed off my ass I could tell that was impressive.

Now after the party had been going for an hour and a half I hear we ran out of beer in the back (the 4 kegs) and our spare is being tapped as we speak. I was like well shit I better get me some before it runs out. I get there before the flow stops and drank the last of the beer. At this point it was 11:45 and in 2 hours we had been through 5 kegs!

Everyone just started dancing and partying it up when we got wind of cops showing up. They came in and tried to break the shit up. I heard one say he couldn't get his squad up to the house because there were too many cars in the way. Everyone started scrambling like ants do when you step on their pile. A lot of people tried to get out but they couldn't. Finally I look outside and I see my boy LB in full spotlight. I ran out to see what was going on and looked up to see a police helicopter over the loudspeaker yelling at everyone to get the hell out of there and that the party was over. Meanwhile, LB drunk as fuck looks up at the police helicopter and flicks it off.

After half an hour most of the people have ran and gotten the fuck out and the police officers cornered us in the main living room. They laid into us about how unsafe we were, blah blah blah and that they had to call a fucking helicopter to break our shit up. We tried not to laugh but ya'll that was some funny shit, especially since LB had been flicking off the copter 2 minutes ago. After some more yelling and threatening to arrest us all the cops finally left us alone and we heard the helicopter leave.

It was 12:30, I'm in my Hawaiian shirt, lays around my neck, 5 kegs gone, cop cars all around us and one police helicopter finally leaving. We sat around the room laughed and did the one thing left to do that night...We went for some food at Denny's.

Did I leave anything out Buddha?

21st B-day

2005-08-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

My 21st birthday was on a thursday so we gathered a big group of us to go a club in O-town that had a dress code. I kinda like dressing up to go out so I was all about going to this club, where the ladies are hot, the drinks are expensive and the music is off the hook (translation for my white friends that means the music was good). It was 21 and over and a few of my friends were under 21 but we got them in since my boy Woody knew the chick that sells roses in the club and she snuck the underage people through the back door.

We get into the club and head straight for the bar. Going out with my boys, I knew I wouldn't be paying for shit all night, but little did I know that I would be "paying" for shit later. We get a shot of liquid cocaine (easily the nastiest shit I have ever tasted) and start heading to the dance floor. We make a couple of more stops at different bars inside the club for some more liquid cocaine (I had 12 shots of this total) and a beer chaser. Mistake #1 the start of my mixing liquor and beer.

After a few songs of bumping and grinding and everybody realizing that it was my birthday, I get a few more drinks. One of my boys had his friend in town who was an uber dance. Homeboy did some work on some music videos back in the day and was representing dancing on a speaker. He saw me dancing near by and was like "Rican switch spots with me nigga, it's your birthday you gotta dance up here." Mistake #2 thinking that I could balance myself on a speaker while dancing and drinking a beer. I started dancing and busting a move (while trying not to bust my pants or my ass) and I felt my beer fall out of my hands and break on the dance floor near some girl's feet. She was drunk as fuck so she just laughed it off. I realized that I wasn't about to fall off this thing so I jumped down and snuck by the beer tub and grabbed a beer while the chick wasn't looking. I have no idea what possessed me to do this but I just figured it's my birthday I can just take shit. Luckily no one saw me and I didn't get booted out of the club.

I kept drinking beer and taking shots. I went upstairs to a different part of the club to check out the ladies. I was so drunk that I thought my "pretend to bump into girls and get them to talk to me" move was incognito. Only later did I find out that it was so obvious my boys were taking bets as to when I was going to do it next. I finally found a chick that the move worked on and we started kicking it. We talked for a minute and I told her it was my birthday. I was like you gotta give me a birthday kiss. She was like sweet and we started making out in the middle of the club. After going at it for a few minutes, I realized I was so drunk I couldn't even tell if this chick was cute (to this day I still don't know but I remember her name was Carmen since that was the name of my first you know!). Mistake #3 - pulling away from her in mid kiss and telling her that I needed to find my friends since they were my ride while thinking in my head, I gotta find my friends so they can tell me whether this chick was cute or not. I just left her there and went to find my boys but never went back to Carmen.

Toward the end of the night, I was so drunk that I couldn't find the bathroom. I recruited my roommate to show me the way and made him promise to stick around since at this point I was completely inebriated. He led the way and I stood in line. I started bitching because there is never a line to the guy's bathroom and the dude in front of me was like no shit man this sucks. At this point I hear the DJ say something like "hey everyone, it's Rican's 21st birthday so if you find him buy him a shot." I raised my hands like I had just won the lottery and started screaming like a little kid running from Neverland. The dude in front of me was like "well hey man it's your birthday you can go in front of me." I told him thanks and went to pass him and tripped on God knows what and I landed straight on my knees. Not my face, chest but my damn knees. I was like fuck (it hurt like a bitch) so he and my roommate helped me up. Mistake #4 thinking I was sober enough to dance, scream and pass some dude in the bathroom line while drunk. This was the last thing I remembered from the club.

Later I found out in pictures, that I was skipping out of the club to the car. I was so sick on the way home that a 15 minute car ride from the club to my place took us 45 mins since I was throwing up all over the place and in the rose seller's car. I was dropped on my street by my boys just cracking up when they were trying to hold me by just my belt (apparently I looked up and told them to just let me go). I woke up in the bathroom on my side with my laundry basket pressed against me (I thought this was a dream until I saw the pictures since I remembered this part). And I found my friends all passed out on the floor, in doorways and outside in the lawn. Man I miss those days...;-)

Spring Break Story #1

2005-08-05T08:30:00.000-05:00

SPRING BREAK '92!!!! OK so it really wasn't that far back (considering I was only 13 in '92) but it's the slogan my boys and I seemed to use every time we went to Spring Break since we had Buddha with us and he, being a bit older than us, would brag about being on Spring Break every year since 1992. No, this Spring Break was 2000 at Daytona Beach. It's kind of a sell out for someone from Orlando to go to Spring Break at Daytona (it's like 45 mins away) but we didn't take the time to plan anything else. This was still a memorable Spring Break.

We showed up at our hotel with about 12 people for one room. We got 2 keys for 12 people and 4 tickets for the free breakfast per day that was served from 6-8 a.m. (that was so fucking early for us that we usually didn't go to bed until after the free food and we went in turns so we could all use the tickets). One the guys had a "UCF Football" hat and was a pretty big dude. The rest of us are to small or too fat to even be considered football players but this guy definitely fit the look. Our first night we start roaming the halls in our hotel room and crash a party going on in the room next door. The people are cool, invite us in and get us drunk. Big dude comes in wearing his hat and everyone immediately asks if he is a football player. Next thing I know my other boy Woody is telling everyone at the party that we are all football players and that this is the only week of practice we are allowed to miss. Then everyone is all over us asking us what positions we play, if we are any good, etc. We all just start making shit up I said I was a fullback and Woody (who is like 5'9" and weights like 165 was like I'm the kicker. On the mornings, we would wait for people to start getting up around the hotel and then we would "work out" on the beach since we were supposed to stay in shape. We would do the dumbest shit. We would try to do push ups, crunches and run sprints just so we could get some play. We went from just drinking and partying to running and shit on spring break in our sandals!

Throughout the week everyone buys us drinks, calls us the UCF football players and basically kissed our asses. One night we start partying with the same crew from the hotel and one dude asks my boy Little Bitch (who said he was a receiver) what kind of offense we run. LB looks at me, shrugs and tells the dude, "well I don't really know dude, I don't play much so when I get out there I just run around" then tells the guy that we are getting ready for the draft. DRAFT???

We went from scrawny and fat to future NFL football players overnight. Next thing we knew, we had these 3 chicks from NY all over our jocks since we were going to go "pro." Woody even said told them that he was probably the best kicker in the country (pathetic!). Finally, I took the girls to the airport and each one of them gave each one of us their phone numbers and told us to call them if we get drafted by the Giants since they train near their college. To this day, we get emails out of the blue asking us what team we ended up playing for...

Sam's Club

2005-08-03T10:06:00.000-05:00

I've never really understood why people become members of this place. Actually I take that back I do understand because a whole year for $30 and tons of free samples on the weekends isn't bad. I'm also a member so I can't hate too much but some of the stuff they sell in there is ludicrous.

Who in their right mind needs a gallon of mayonnaise, 5 pounds worth of bacon, 4 pounds of cheese and a quart of mustard? I understand that the stuff is cheaper when you buy in bulk but damn how can someone go through that much stuff without it getting spoiled? Do you really need the 80 pound bags of gum? 150 packages of jello (well I guess if you were doing jello wrestling then yes). I guess I'll never understand the buy in bulk theory when I'm sure at least half the shit ends up getting tossed out (like it does at my house).

The Proper Way to Ask?

2005-08-02T15:30:00.000-05:00

WARNING: This post will have some sexual content to it. It's supposed to be funny so please no one take offense!

I was talking to one of my good friends from back home this past weekend and he asked me a very weird but funny question. He asked me what I thought would be a proper way to ask his girlfriend to trim a little. It appears that his girl doesn't quite shave the bikini area as much as he would like, but he doesn't want to offend her by asking her in a way that might sound rude.

After thinking about it for a while, I told him that perhaps he should try to bring it up in a conversation about what they like to do sexually. I figured if they were talking about fantasies and sex, it would be a good time to bring it up casually and say something like, "hey I'd love it if you would shave or trim a little closer." Perhaps even suggest that he might be willing to do more if she obliged (he's not a big fan of going downtown). I also suggested that he just make it out to be something that he's into not so much a problem with her. Or he could just be honest and say look baby girl it's a jungle down there, can you at least trim the shrubs?

He said he'd try it and see how it went. Well I talked to him today and it seems that the conversation didn't go over so well. She was upset that he would thought she was "hairy" and that he tried to use the incentive of oral as a reason for her to shave. She was embarrassed and now is PISSED at him. Naturally that equals no nookie of any kind.

Did I suggest the wrong thing? Should he have just kept his mouth shut and dealt with it? I always thought when it came to that one should be honest and let the other know what they wanted. Is there a proper way to ask your significant other to trim the shrubs w/o offending? Any amount of help would be appreciated since my boy is suffering from blue balls as we speak...

To the Person Who Found my Blog Looking for Answers to Interview Questions...

2005-08-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

You are at the wrong site! If you looked through my blog for the answer to the "why should we hire you" question, you undoubtedly found that my answer would be "why should I except your offer?" Or you could even try another one that crossed my mind, "because I can help you meet a minority quota."

Tagged Again!

2005-08-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

My lifetime since Cherry tagged me.

10 Years Ago: August 1995 - Well I was close to beginning my junior year of high school thinking I was hot shit since I could finally drive, had a car and was a pretty good baseball player. I worked for a local grocery store bagging groceries and taking 90 minute 10-minute breaks. Experienced a lot of firsts but I will leave it at that.

5 Years Ago: August 2000 - Just enjoying being 21 and acting crazy with my friends. Played a lot of intramural sports, drank a lot and threw parties that people still talk about (including a police helicopter incident at my 21st birthday party).

1 Year Ago: August 2004 - I was just enjoying my last month of summer vacation of my life. I was preparing for my final year in law school, looking for a job since my job at that time did not hire lawyers right out of school. I was still trying to get over a miscarriage that happened the month before.

Yesterday: I spent 6 hours in the car driving to and from a trial that never happened. It seems the plaintiff/applicant was not as ready as she indicated and even though the judge could have dismissed the case, he chose not to. I also attended my first Packer training camp and chatted up some of the players that probably will not make the team but were easily some of the biggest dudes I've ever seen.

Tomorrow: I'm sure I'll be working and I think I have a baseball game. Other than that I don't plan too far ahead, I'm more of a go with flow guy.

5 Snacks I enjoy: Snickers, Cheesecake, Strawberry Ice Cream, Pretzels, and Danishes (trust me you don't get "big boned" like me w/o sweets in your life.

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Like Danielle I'm going to have to go with at least some rappers. Dr. Dre, Snoop, Eminem, Biggie and Jimmy Buffet.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: First and foremost I would tithe 10% because God knows that's the only way I'm getting into Heaven. I would donate another 10% to a scholarship fund for under privileged kids. I would pay off all my debt and my parents debt. I would buy my mom a new car. And lastly, I would invest a HUGE (like 50%) amount of it so my kids didn't have to worry about their future and could go to whatever school they choose to go.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Greece, Spain, Fiji, South Africa, NYC.

5 bad habits I have: I curse way to fucking much, I hold a lot in when I get upset, I let others walk over me sometimes, I play on the internet while I should be working, I have troubling saying "no."

5 things I like doing: Playing sports, reading, hanging out with the Quanz gang, going to sporting events, laying out by the beach.

5 things I would never wear: Spandex (God that's an ugly thought), shorts that land above my knee, tighty whities, anything tye dyed, nut hugger jeans.

5 TV shows I like: SportsCenter, Survivor, Entourage, Real World, and (don't laugh) Wheel of Fortune (God that was hard to admit).

5 movies I like: Tommy Boy, Forrest Gump, Dumb and Dumber, Major League, Bull Durham.

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Salma Hayek, Gary Carter (my all time favorite baseball player), Tiger Woods, the Dalai Lama, Tupac (if he was alive of course).

5 biggest joys at the moment: Blogging (God that sounds lame), reading Danielle's blog!, my job/the people I work with, Baby Rican, my family/friends.

5 favorite toys: My golf clubs, my baseball glove, and yeah that's about it right now.

First Actual Trial

2005-08-01T06:33:00.000-05:00

Even though I've won 2 cases already, none of them have been actual trials. The first win was a preliminary hearing that got the cased tossed out and the second win was an appellate decision. Today tests my skillz as an actual litigator. It's a worker's compensation case in front of a judge (who also acts as the jury when he renders his opinion). Unfortunately, I won't know how I do until Mid-Late September since the judges don't render their opinions until 45-60 after the trial. I'm more nervous for this than I was for my other 2 and I'm lucky enough to spend 3 hours in the car one-way to think about my nerves and my case. Wish me luck everyone and I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow!

The Cologne Dilemma

2005-07-28T13:22:00.000-05:00

I have a problem, but first let me start with some background information. When I was in high school, I used to steal my dad's cologne and put it on to impress the ladies. Mind you I didn't even like the way the stuff smelled at that time (sorry Pop!) but I knew that girls liked the guys that were wearing this stuff. I started to put it on regularly (which I still do) and even began getting compliments on the smell.

One day however, a girl that sat next to me in class (that was a sophomore when I was a freshman so everything she said was gold to me...fucking upperclassmen) asked me what that smell was. She gagged some and couldn't stop coughing. Being the nice guy that I am I asked her what she was smelling and even tried to help her locate the source of the foul stench. She brushed by me, gave me a look that to this day is ingrained in my mind, and yelled oh my god it's you! What the hell do you have on? Mortified, I looked at her and said "uh...some of my dad's cologne." She then asked me if I had showered with it because the smell was so strong. I told her no, I just put some on my hands rubbed it on my neck and cheeks (I used to think you did this but now I know you only do that with after shave). I told her I was never taught how to properly apply cologne. Naturally that ended any prospects I had with said chick.

The motivation for this story came from the other associate at the firm who had a hearing today and said she could still smell the client's shitty cologne because he put so much on that it stayed in her nose hairs. I know exactly what that man is going through.

However, my problems is that I was never taught how to properly apply the correct amount of cologne. In fact I STILL DON'T really know how to apply cologne correctly. I've used a few different methods over the years so I know that at least part of the time I'm doing it correctly:

1) There is the "spray and walk through" method (recommended by most of the people who I have asked over the years) where you spray some in the air and walk through it.

2) There is the "hot spot" method, where you put it on your wrists, rub the wrists together and then apply gently to your neck.

3) There is the "direct application" method where you spray the cologne directly onto your body, clothes etc. This by far received the most negative reactions. This is the one that leads to the "woah this guy put too much cologne on" look.

4) And lastly, I learned a new one from my boys while in college..."the Trailer." You spray the cologne on the back of your neck so when you walk by a girl she smells you after you walk by causing her to come after you.

Does anyone out there know if I'm correctly applying the cologne I wear? I don't want to want to offend anyone (especially clients) with my Cool Water, Curvey, Nautica or Romance. Please help a Rican out. Obviously this is a crisis that needs immediate attention

Another Win Baby!

2005-07-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

I try not to brag too much but I'm feeling sky high today after winning my second case. Ok this one wasn't really MY case, in fact all I did was write the appellate brief to the Court. However, when the Judge announced his decision he actually cited the argument section of my brief stating "the respondent's brief addressed both the strong facts in their case and the unfavorable facts successfully arguing why the previous decision should be affirmed regardless of those facts. The applicant's counsel did not even give so much as a cursory look at the weak facts in their case."

Naturally I was totally stoked on the inside since the other attorney had given me the "Oh you are just out of law school huh? Is this your first time in a courtroom?" line when we first met. His smug pugdy little face said it all after we shook hands at the end of the oral argument and his hand was limp*. 2 for 2 baby, I know I will not be able to keep this up, but I'm glad to get these two under my belt to give me some confidence...not to mention writing material on the blog.

*I don't understand how people can shake hands like a dead fish, especially men. I realize that might sound a little sexist but I at least expect the fellas to be able to shake my hand firmly. When someone shakes my hand with a limp handshake it just gives me the creeps. It's like I'm holding a floppy dildo.

"Next Blog"

2005-07-26T16:40:00.000-05:00

Has anyone every tried that button at the top of the right hand of your screen? I was a little bored at work today and tired of billing so I decided to play with blogger for a while and see what I could find. There are some crazy blogs out there. I thought my blog was whack. I've seen blogs that have:

1. Naked pictures of the bloggers themselves online (thank God I have my own office!)

2. A blog that told me why Global warming will eliminate man kind as we know it

3. A blog on how to obtain a free i-pod

4. A blog on stock market tips (why would you post this? If I knew when to sell and when to buy it would be my dirty little secret)

5. A number of foreign blogs

6. Blogs about people's family pictures including the drunk uncle that apparently every family has.

7. A blog telling me that the latest Star Wars movie comes out on DVD on November 1st in ALL CAPS with lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and last but not least

8. A blog about a crazy ass Rican lawyer from the great white north...that's right folks, I hit the "next blog" button and actually landed on my own blog.

Crazy huh? I wonder how many people found my blog like that, or when they came upon my blog what they thought (besides wow what a dork). Anyone else done this and found some interesting stuff?

Someone Tagged my Ass

2005-07-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

Alright so it's not exactly what you would think that statement would mean. Cherry has tagged me to find out my top 10 list of turn ons and turn offs. I'm going to tag Spexial and Chadrian.

Turn Ons:
1) Sense of Humor (someone has to be able to laugh at my lame ass jokes and stories)
2) Light colored eyes
3) Big Boobs (not huge fake ones, but a good size is a must)
4) Honesty
5) Kindness towards other people
6) Personality not someone who's boring
7) Willingness to try anything once
8) To quote the great Ludacris..."A lady in the street but a freak in the bed"
9) Short spiky hair
10) Physically fit and able to play sports with me

Turn Offs:
1) Jealousy
2) Haters
3) Stank breath
4) Drama
5) Close minded people that will not attempt to see another person's point of view
6) Over analyzing everything people say or do
7) Boring people who never step outside of their safety zone
8) Body Odor
9) Clothes that don't match your body style
10) Laziness

Good Luck!

2005-07-26T07:34:00.000-05:00

To everyone from UW that decided being licensed in Wisconsin was not good enough for you, good luck on the 2-day, 16-hour nightmare that is otherwise known as THE BAR EXAM! I'm sure you will all pass...and if you don't, hey at least you are licensed in this state!

At least I'm top 10

2005-07-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

I found a story here that says that lawyers ranked 10th in a list of "sexiest" jobs. It seems that a high power attorney job doesn't sound quite as sexy as CEO, Fire Fighter, or Flight Attendant. I honestly can't believe that attorneys ranked in the top 10. Other than salaries at some of the big firms I don't think there is much that I would consider "sexy" about my job. If you consider drafting legal memos and briefs, researching the most minute civil procedure motion, or looking over someone's medical records sexy then damn it I guess I know a lot of people who would be considered "sexy." After being in law school for 3 years, I'm not sure there is much that I could point out that I would use the adjective "sexy" for. As has been said before, being considered the best looking girl/guy at law school is like being the valedictorian of summer school. That being said, hey we are at least top 10!

Protesters

2005-07-22T15:50:00.000-05:00

Cherry and Adrian both had posts today about protesters. I guess UW used to be a big time protest school back in the day so people who've grown up around here are kind of used to it. Even know you get people on State Street protesting about something or other. I never got the whole protest thing. Perhaps if I felt that strongly about something I might protest but I guess I just don't feel that strongly about anything (except free food in law school).

Here's the thing though, every time I see a protest or walk by a protest it makes me want to do exactly the opposite of what the people are protesting. If I see people protesting that KFC kills chickens using inhumane methods I'm likely to walk by them to pick up a Bucket of the Colonel's finest extra crispy. If people start protesting butchers and meat products, I'm probably going to start thinking about hitting up Chili's for an Oldtimer Burger. If someone is telling me that I'm going to hell for not subscribing to whatever they happen to preach that day, I'm likely to ask them how come someone who kills and maims people can go to heaven by being "saved" but I'm going to hell because I walked by you and didn't stop to chat on my way to Chipotle?

There is something to be said for people who are truly passionate about whatever cause seems to be floating their boat, let's just hope the Rican doesn't happen to walk by them and punch a hole in the stern. Man talking about all this food has made me hungry. Extra crispy anyone?

Is this really me?

2005-07-22T12:03:00.000-05:00

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Move over Potter you got Company

2005-07-21T18:11:00.000-05:00

WIDTH="88" HEIGHT="130" ALT="Want to Get Sorted?">

I'm
a Gryffindor!

From Drunk Law

Blog info request

2005-07-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

Can someone tell me how to make my blog roll a little smaller and how I can get my blog list names one on top of the other w/o a space between them like I currently have? I'm blog-illiterate so any amount of help would be most appreciated!

Blogging Dorks

2005-07-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

Lately I've had this feeling that I'm falling into the "dork/nerd blogging" category. I check my blog obsessively for comments and feel pressure to come up with something witty/clever enough to induce said comments. I thought that was bad but I was willing to live with it because I know that my fellow bloggers out there enjoy comments as much as I do (the anonymous ones suck if they are mean). I found out that Cherry had a dream about me and D, as well as D and I being the same person (even though Cherry doesn't know what I look like) so I felt safe, I knew I wasn't quite that bad yet.

However, after playing golf this weekend with Nooner this past weekend, I think I might be just as bad if not worse than Cherry. I realized this past weekend that I call people who blog by their blogger name rather than their real name. We called Moral and when she answered I didn't say her name (even though I know it) I just said hey Moral wanna golf. When I talk about other bloggers I refer to them as their blogger aliases and not their real name even though I know them. I think Homer is the only one that I still refer to by his real name. What the hell is happening to me. This damn thing that was supposed to be a hobby is turned into an addiction. It's like I don't know what to talk about with new people if they don't blog. Please fellow bloggers that I now call by their online aliases, help me out. Am I the only one that seems to be falling into this category?

Famous Blog Twin?

2005-07-19T13:32:00.000-05:00

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door
With more than a touch of geekiness

Who's Your Famous Blogger Twin?

Do I really have more than a touch of geekiness? I knew I was kind of a dork but damn that one hurt! Another thing, how can I have a famous twin blogger who I've never heard of?

Chick at Work

2005-07-19T11:13:00.000-05:00

And, I know all the tats would scare Ho Down Sally a.k.a. He-Haw a.k.a. my co worker who skins zoo animals. Man she was on my last nerve today. She didn’t say one word all day. Then she stands up and turns into Chatty Kathy. I swear she is Bi-Polar. I’d like to hang her and skin her like a deer, hang her head on my mantle…..or monitor…… Oh, did I say that out loud? My bad. You really got to meet this chic. She is from the other side of the state and she might as well be from bumble fuck or Pleasantville. She was telling me this story one time and referring to her mom and grandmom as Mami, Maw and GrandMami. I felt like I was on “Little House on the Prairy.” I thought she was going to “Run to the Well” for a glass of water. And who eats “Deviled Ham”? Christ the sodium alone will blow her up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon/Float on the parkway. And who wears tight bright purple spandex? Who knows maybe she was auditioning for a Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s so Unusual” video. Honey, the casting for “Thriller” been over. I thought I heard her humming something like “You Must be my Lucky Star.” lol. Okay, I’m done. “BORDERLINE…….feels like I’m going to lose my mind….” Promise. Here’s to Tuesday with the Troll.

I'm also looking to get all tatted up and of course I gotta talk about how much fun Live 8 was. I love Philly even though it's all hot and shit right now and my grandma won't even open up a window...Oh shit wait a minute I'm posting this in the wrong blog ain't I Cherry?

Asshole of the Week

2005-07-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry about skipping the award last week, I was just feeling too damn good to anoint anyone an Asshole. However, this week I'm back to normal so here we go with the prestigious honor of the Rican's Asshole of the Week Award. So without further Adieu this week's award goes to tommylawboy. It seems this Asshole has been leaving some nasty comments on a few of the bloggers on my blog roll. He used to do it anonymously (total chicken shit) but I guess he grew a pair and decided to post under a blogger name. However, if you go to his blog you see that there is no personal information about this guy. Rumor has it that he is the one that left the anonymous comment on my Mixed Signal post about how lesbians are lesbians because they can't get any (right dude that must make you gay because I'm sure you can't get any) or because they are paid by the porn industry. Pathetic dude. Congrats on this week's honor. I think you might even be the front runner for the Asshole of the Month award! Asshole!

Man I misread that!

2005-07-18T09:20:00.000-05:00

Back in the day my boys and I used would go out about 4 nights a week. Wed nights to Chiller's for $1 drinks. Thursday night to Bar Orlando for free drinks until midnight, Friday nights to Cairo for clubbing to 3 different types of music and to meet young chicks (since it was 18 and up). Saturday night we just went wherever since there were no real drink specials.

One week I saw the same girl at every place we went to. I told my boys that if I saw her again on Friday I would run some game. I saw her and chickened out. I then told them that if she was there on Saturday it would be on like Donkey Kong! And I chickened out...

The next week I saw her again on Wednesday. I was totally smashed so my whole sense of fear was gone. I walked up to her (she was with a group of friends) with a drink that looked like a drink she was drinking (at Chiller's they serve slushies with alcohol so I just guessed by looking at the color what she was drinking) and just said hey what's up I'm Rican and I used some totally lame pickup line which she actually laughed at and we started talking and she was mad cool, totally like a guy and not a hater to admit a girl was pretty. Well I got her number and told her I'd call her sometime to see if she wanted to chill.

Thursday night we are out and I saw her again and she was like oh Rican I thought you were going to call (I was but there is the 3 day rule you gotta worry about) so we chatted it up again and it just flowed smoothly. I was like damn this girl is cool she's into the same things I'm into (except sports but hey no one is perfect) and she's not a hater. I thought man I'm all over this like white on rice baby.

Well I see her friday and everything flows well and we decide to hang out saturday night since there aren't any drink specials anyway. We were dancing for most of the night all booty shaking and bumpin and grindin and shit so you know I'm feeling like a mack right about now.

We go out saturday and just chill. We met for an early movie and decided to grab some grub after the movie. Everything was cool and the conversation flowed great. We decided to go to the beach and watch the night shuttle launch. At this point, I got the feeling that if I just made a move it would be ova baby! We were kind of holding hands (I mean they were close and they would touch), and flirting and doing the playful touching thing so I thought I was reading the signals correct.

I finally give her the Rican look (you know the look I'm talking about, you have that kind of "I'm drunk head thing going and you go in and tilt your head). I went in for the money shot, kissed her and she pulled away. I was like oh shit, I know I just popped a mint so it can't be some stank breath. She looks at me and is like what are you doing? I was like (duh!) I'm kissing you. She's like woah dude, you are cool and I'm having a blast with you but I'm a lesbian! A lesbian, I mean that's totally hot but man I just totally missed the boat there. Where the hell did I miss the sign? Did I read something wrong in the vibe? I thought to myself no wonder she could admit that the girls were hot. We were probably into the same chicks! Man to this day this has to be the worst read of my life, however, the chick is mad cool and we still talk to this day so not all is lost!

Is this True?

2005-07-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

Your Blogging Type Is Clever and Witty

Of all blogging types, you're the best with words.
Almost every blog post you write has legendary quality.
You have a perverse sense of humor and often play devil's advocate.
Impatient and picky, you tend to go off on funny rants from time to time.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I hardly think that every post I write has legendary quality. Truthfully all I seek is the an occasional laugh and HOLLA BACK! What did the other bloggers in cyberspace find out about their blogging personality?

Comment Etiquette?

2005-07-15T15:03:00.000-05:00

Alright we all know that I'm a total comment whore and love to come to my blog and check out the funny stuff my readers (I think I'm up to 10 double digits baby!) have to say. I also have to confess that the inspiration from this post came from none other than the fabulous Danielle so I can't take any credit for it. Lately I've been commenting all over the place. I think part of the reason is because I figure if I comment on people's blog people will comment on mine. I think Homer would call this the Fisher/Self Hater. I love to see the comments since you guys are hilarious but I usually don't respond to the comments unless I'm asked a question. Is this poor blog comment etiquette? Am I offending my readership? Please dear bloggers and friends, enlighten me about my dilemma about the correct etiquette. Do you expect responds to my comments? Thank you in advance for the windfall of comments this Fisher/self hater post is sure to bring me!

The Cane Doesn't Lie!

2005-07-14T15:02:00.000-05:00

SCORE ONE FOR THE RICAN!!!!!!!! Alright I know the person wasn't represented and it shouldn't be hard to beat someone who doesn't really know what's going on, but considering how much faith it seemed like my boss and the client had in my ability to pull this one out it felt pretty damn good (just for the record my boss seemed to think the case was a loser not that I was incompetent). I am not God's gift to litigation by any means, but I caught the lady in a lie that she was not able to get out of.

Again before you start your cheering keep in mind this lady was a 70 year-old woman but still it was a boost to the ego! Thanks for all the supporting comments though they did make me feel good even if I might have been fishing for compliments!

PS: The story behind the title has to do with a long tradition at the UW Law School where law students run across the football with a cane and top hat and throw their cane over the goal post and legend has it if you catch it then you are going to win your first case. Sure enough I caught it so it came true for me!

Great Pep Talk Boss

2005-07-14T09:41:00.000-05:00

I only have a few seconds before I have to go to my first ever hearing. I'm excited and nervous at the same time so I decided to go to my boss' office and ask for some last minute advice/counsel. His response..."Oh don't worry if you fuck up. I've told the client you are doing the hearing and we both expect you to lose. This is a good learning experience since the exposure is so low."

Gee thanks Boss. It's good to know that you think so highly of my capabilities as an attorney! This is like having a coach put you in to the game because they are like 10 runs down in the 9th inning just so you can brag to your friends and family that you actually played. I'm thinking about pulling out my best Tom Cruise A Few Good Men impression and ask the lady (who is unrepresented) I WANT THE TRUTH! Just since everyone expects so little of me and I've always wanted to yell that in a courtroom!

10 Reasons I'm glad I'm a guy

2005-07-13T07:58:00.000-05:00

1. I can say that I've slept with X amount of people and I will not have the same stigma that a woman has (I personally think this is bullshit because as long as the person is safe it wouldn't matter to me if they had slept with more people than Jenna Jameson...well maybe Jenna).

2. A guy can eat like a horse and all his boys will be like damn dude that was sweet, but when a girl does it, it's like damn she's just letting herself go like kirstey alley.

3. I don't have the part of the brain that women have that causes them to analyze every little thing everyone says...look when I tell you that I'm not hungry it doesn't mean I hate your food, I'm seriously not hungry.

4. The concept of paying someone a compliment of the same sex is not a foreign concept to me, granted this doesn't go for all women but some women have a big time complex with this. I have no problem saying something like man dude you are looking ripped you must have hit the gym hard where some women would say something like oh her boobs have to be fake if they sit up like that.

5. It seems like men get better with age where as society and some other people feel like women have a shorter shelf life (again I totally don't agree with this because I tend to think that women get better with age and guys start losing feeling "down there" when they get older but hey I'll take society thinking I'm sexy because I'm starting to have gray hair at 26).

6. I don't have to put up with cramping, moodiness, being bloated and bleeding for 7 days straight once a month, AND I don't have to worry about getting prego or giving birth!

7. I can get ready to go in about 10 minutes, including shower, shave, and dressed. Granted I might not be looking as hot as some ladies do but I can still charm them with the little bit of game I got.

8. I can grab my crotch in front of thousands of people and no have no one think anything of it, but if a girl did it, look out that bitch must have a yeast infection or some other nasty shit (when for all we know the guy could be scratching his crab infested balls).

9. I only need 4 pairs of shoes, black dress shoes, brown dressy/casual shoes, sneakers and sandals. I don't have to wear uncomfortable shoes to make my calves look good.

10. And last but not least when I get into the water it's not as easy to tell that I'm cold as it is to see if a woman is cold. Her nips will be at a full tension whereas you won't be able to see that my "thing" and his two friends have suffered so much shrinkage they have actually begun to go inside my body!

Sorry I'm uninspired today so this is all I got so far.

2005-07-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

It's a surprise I even got 10% conservative on this thing!

Interview From the One and Only DANIELLE!

2005-07-11T14:18:00.000-05:00

I am being Interviewed by Danielle

If you want to be interviewed....here's how it works:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions, each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the questions from Danielle and my responses.

1.) If you could bring one person who passed away "back to life", who would it be?
This would be my grandmother on my dad's side. We were close and she died while I was only 7 so it feels like I missed out on a lot.

2.) If today was your last day alive, how would you spend it?
I would spend it driving around in a Ducati motorcycle on my way to go sky diving, then jump on a private jet to a Greek Island for my last night.

3.) What is the one goal you still haven't accomplished?
I haven't gotten a job somewhere in sports. I want to be involved in coaching high school sports at some point.

4.) For or against the Death penalty?
This is tough because I'm kind of on the fence. I don't think we should play God and decide who lives and who dies, I don't think this penalty deters anyone from committing a crime, BUT there are some crimes that call for the ultimate price.

5.) Cinderella or Snow White and why? (Sorry I couldn't resist)
Cinderella because she came up from the hood and was naturally pretty, I don't want some chick that is already a princess and high maintenance, I mean she needs 7 guys to satisfy her geez!

Tell me about myself!

2005-07-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

Alright I ganked this from Cherry who stole it from some other person. I thought it was cool when I saw it on her blog so I decided to post it on mine to see if I got any responses.

Everyone (who wants to do it that is) is supposed to answer these questions in my comment section. I'm sure I'll get some interesting responses to see what ya'll think about the crazy ass rican! So take a few minutes to leave me some answers, if you are too lazy to answer all 10 just answer a few here and there. I just want to get a feel to see what you guys think about me!

1. Who are you?
2. We never met, but would you like to?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?

Holla Back at me!

Congrats JRo

2005-07-11T08:13:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to send a quick shout out to my girl JRo. She had a baby boy this weekend. The crazy thing is that all along the doctors had said she was having a girl and I even gave her a shout out before saying the baby girl coming out would be beautiful. Well I'm sure Aaron (not Erin anymore) will be a total stud and will be racking up the ladies. Congrats and I hope you are both doing well!

Leftovers

2005-07-08T11:18:00.000-05:00

I have differing opinions on leftovers. There are days where I really enjoy leftovers like leftover pizza is good stuff or pasta that has a chance to let the sauce seep further into the pasta that's good stuff too. Then there are days when they just make me sick like left over mashed potatoes or taco bell. I can't ever tell how I'm going to feel about them one day to the next but I know growing up it was looked down upon not to eat the leftovers or finish the food on your plate.

I guess I can understand that some people are just old school and don't think food should go to waste. However, that's just not the way (at least I think) people are now. I think that people are freaked out by diseases if you leave the food out too long or are just plain spoiled and want some fresh food everyday. I'm sure everyone's parents used to use that whole "well there are starving children in Somalia, Ethiopia, or whatever 3rd World African country Sally Struthers was pitching for at the time, that would love to have just a little bit of the food you refuse to eat" or "when I was younger I grew up poor and we just ate what we could." You know what I can't help what it was like when you were younger but I can help that we can eat fresh stuff everyday now. And as far as those starving kids are concerned, you can send them the leftovers since they really aren't leftovers for them. Since they didn't eat it the previous 2 days it's like a new meal for them so we can kill 2 birds with one stone. No more starving children in a Sally Struthers sponsored country who appreciate food that they think is fresh and not leftover and we get a fresh meal every day? How does that sound? Am I the only one that grew up in this crazy way?

Bombs in London

2005-07-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

I usually try to use my blog as a lame attempt at humor. This entry is not going to be like my other entries. In case you have been in a whole or have not yet found out, there were bombs set off in London's subway system and on a double decker bus. P.M. Tony Blair says it's reasonable to conclude that this was a terrorist attack and an Islamic Group has claimed responsibility.

This is sad and naturally is bound to invoke images of September 11th all over the U.S. I simply don't understand why someone wants to make a statement that way. This is probably the most cowardly act I can think of to do. Preying on innocent citizens because you disagree with someone's politics? Please don't be such a pussy! If you have something to say or you disagree with what's going on. Be a fucking man (or woman) and come out and say it and suffer the consequences. You don't agree with President Bush, then say something about it. Don't be a coward and attack innocent people that are just trying to do their normal everyday activities. This absolutely pisses me off because it makes people suffer that don't have anything to do with these people's disagreements. My heart goes out to everyone that has suffered because of this cowardly act. I can't possibly imagine what you are going through right now. All I can say and hope for is that casualties are low and the entire world takes notice (in case you forgot about 9/11). I hate the idea of a war, and I hate that our troops are in Iraq suffering consequences, but after what happened in London today, I think someone (like the fucking UN) needs to do something about this epidemic.

Asshole of the Week

2005-07-07T08:03:00.000-05:00

This week was kind of tough to choose just one asshole. We had Kenny Rogers (the baseball player not singer) shoving a camera and kicking it for no apparent reason. We had IOC (and French) president Jacques Chirac say that the only good thing Britain gave Europe was Mad Cow Disease (but he got his by having to state the London and not Paris won the right to host the Olympics in 2012 in front of the entire world). But both of these idiots don't match up to my asshole of the week for this week. Congratulations Richard Williams, you are the winner of the Rican's prestigious honor!

For those of you who don't know who Richard Williams is, he is the father of Venus and Serena Williams (tennis players). This guy has been weird ever since his daughters came onto the tennis scene. He's been accused of fixing their matches and deciding which one would win in a head to head match, as well as meddling with their coaching. This, however, is not the reason for the award this week. The reason why this man is my asshole of the week is because he has accused EVERYONE about being racist against his daughters and wanting them to fail. He says that tennis fails to support and promote his daughters like they do some of the other women's stars.

Well dude let me give you a reality check. Women's tennis is not that popular of a sport. Tennis in general is not that popular of a sport except for the Grand Slam tournaments and even then they struggle with ratings. Tennis has supported your daughters as well as some of the other women in tennis. They like to promote competitive balance not dominance by 2 people. How can you suggest that the world is racist against your daughter when they both signed endorsement contracts with sneaker companies that at the time were the highest $ amounts ever for women? How can you say that the umpires are racist against your daughters when they won 2 out of the 3 Grand Slam tournaments this year? Get a clue dude EVERYONE thinks referees suck. They get yelled at by everyone and they get their calls questioned everyday, your situation is nothing different.

You can't play the race card for every little thing that you don't agree with. Look dude I'm sure you and your daughters have experienced some racism. All minorities have in their lives. But this isn't 1960 bro, most people aren't so ignorant that everything they do is rooted in racism. Some people just don't like your daughters, some people prefer Maria Sharapova (she's hot), Lindsay Davenport, or any other woman. It's not because your daughters are black it's just because they choose to support someone else. People like you make me sick. You play the race card whenever it's convenient because no one really can say anything back to you w/o sounding like a racist themselves. Well you know what dude that shit is played out and for that reason you are the Asshole of the Week (probably for the month too!).

Reminiscing about old times

2005-07-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

D wrote today about how she's not worried about turning 29 later this month and her last year in her 20s. I gotta say I'm sure I won't feel the same way. I already feel old because I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. She writes that her 20s weren't her best years. They were absolutely my best years. During my 20s I:

1. Got my ears pierced - this may not seem like a big deal to some but back in the day I was so straight laced that it was out of the ordinary for me to do this, I also dyed my hair, goatee and had another piercing.

2. Went to college at probably the best college for me. It was enough of a party school to enjoy myself immensely but not so much that I got into (too much) trouble.

3. Was detained by the police on my 20th birthday because I told people that wanted to get into our party that was already at capacity where to park and jump the fence to get into the apartment complex.

4. Met Mojo the night I was detained by the police since he was detained along with me (my friends didn't think I should be out there by myself so they sent Mojo with and I got the poor guy arrested on his first meeting with me).

5. Went to spring break numerous times to Daytona Beach, Miami and Panama City (where Mojo was once again arrested and forced to clean our hotel for taking a piss by the security guard's door, this is after he had broken his ankle running into the water with 2 of my other friends in a scene that can only be described as the beginning of a gay porn).

6. Threw parties at my friends' houses that are still talked about today. My Quanz buddies used to joke that we would leave UCF as party legends and for a few nights during my 4 years there I'm was convinced that we were/are legends.

7. At one aforementioned party, had a police helicopter show up to break up the party, downed 5 kegs of beer in about 1 hour, had probably about 500 people in a 3 bedroom house, saw a car be moved by lifting it out of a parking spot rather then being driven off, and witness every stereotype of group walk through the door (our friends, the freaks, football players, the greeks, blacks, latinos and my dad).

8. Convinced a girl to give let me wear her bra the night of my bachelor party (as part of my "to-do" list), carried around a bowling ball shackled to my ankles and wore a blow up doll around my neck the entire night.

9. Took a massive amount of shots of Parrot Bay Rum before my wedding to calm down my nerves and actually led a conga line during the reception.

10. Left sunny Florida for the great white north known as Wisconsin to attend law school.

11. Basically made a joke out of my 3rd year of law school by drinking in class, and playing on the internet all day long (right Homer?).

So while D may not be missing her 20s after she turns 30 next year, I'm totally going to miss mine, they were, and continue to be the best times of my life.

Yeah Baby I'm Drinking with Hef

2005-07-05T17:12:00.000-05:00

Your Aries Drinking Style

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night.
Your competitive streak makes you prone to closing time shot contests.
You're a sloppy, fun drunk, and you get mighty flirty after a couple tipples.

Getting you drunk is a good way for people to get what they want out of you, should other methods fail.
You can become bellicose when blotto, but you will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
You can be counted on to do the same for others -- so long as they haven't gone and done anything really horrible to you last night (ahem, sneaky Gemini!)

Your Signature Cocktails

Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.

Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies

Conan O'Brien, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sarah Jessica Parker, David Letterman, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, Jack Black, and Hugh Hefner.

What's Your Alcohoroscope?

What If...

2005-07-05T08:37:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered "what if." I don't know why, I know it's not the way to live life but for some reason I can't help it. What would have happened had I signed out of school, I wonder what would have happened if B and I had worked out, I wonder what would have happened if I got the #1 this morning instead of the #2 at the BK drive through etc. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, to the contrary I'm actually really lucky in the sense that I have a pretty good life with a good job, wifey and (hopefully) a healthy Baby Rican on the way.

I guess it's more of me wondering where I would be had I made different choices. I think Cherry made me to think about this and write about it when she wrote about going to see a guy from her past and how she needed to see him and perhaps ask him some questions. There's a lot of people from my past that I'd love to talk to and ask a lot of questions too. I guess I just take it one step further by wondering what would happen if I had... then fill in the blank. Does this make me crazy? Is it insane for me to wonder what it would be like if I was still single (I mean besides me having some major game, j/k). Would I fill out a profile on Match.com, try to go back after B and see if I could convince her to give us a shot, would I even still be in Wisconsin (probably not!) perhaps fly to Philly to meet someone new who knows. Man this is the crazy shit that's going through my mind. My loyal readers (all 7 of you), am I losing my mind? Please tell me (since I'm a comment whore!).

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!!

2005-07-04T07:41:00.000-05:00

Happy 4th of July everyone. Here's hoping everyone out there that reads my blog has lots of good times today including but not limited to, good grilled food, lots of fireworks, insane amounts of alcohol and some naughty stories to tell your friends about in the morning!

I'm...

2005-07-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

You Are Vanilla Ice Cream

Your personality is anything but "vanilla" You're a risk taker, who's up for anything new.
You go well with anyone and fit into any situation.
You are most compatible with rocky road ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

I'm not surprised since this is like my fav flava.

A What Not to Say to a Prego Wifey Guide for Men

2005-07-01T09:36:00.000-05:00

This is a post to all the fellas out there that might one day knock up a spouse or perhaps has a prego spouse right now. Conversation this morning:

Wifey: I'm having a fat day!

Rican: What do you mean?

Wifey: Well the clothes are getting tighter and I just feel bigger.

Rican: Well of course you do, I noticed that your stomach IS getting bigger.

Wifey: So you think I'm fat?!?!?

Rican: No what I meant was that your stomach is starting to show now so of course the clothes are going to get bigger because you ARE getting bigger.

Wifey: So I'm fat then that's what you are saying?

Rican: No not fat, just prego so naturally your belly will get bigger since Baby Rican is growing.

Wifey: Why didn't you say it like that the first time without having to point out that I'm getting bigger and that my stomach is getting bigger.

Rican: Sorry, I forgot about the prego hormones.

Wifey: Don't blame your ignorance on my hormones.

Rican: OK, sorry.

Fellas, when wifey gets prego DO NOT mention the weight gain. I thought this was the one time it would be OK to agree with the woman that she's getting bigger but if anything it makes the situation worse. Never tell her that her stomach is getting bigger and that she's starting to show. Lastly, don't blame shit on their hormones. WE know that their hormones and (I think) they know too, they just don't like it being thrown in their face. They really need to make a "how to" guide on dealing with prego wifeys.

To be Honest with You....

2005-06-30T11:44:00.000-05:00

I never understood why people use this phrase before saying something. To be honest with you, I really didn't like that restaurant...To be honest with you, I think I would like my boy to get laid...To be honest with you, I really do like you just not like that. What the hell is this implying? Are you saying that when you don't start off a sentence with "to be honest with you," that you are lying to me? That you AREN'T being honest with me?

I should point out that I do this just as much as the next person. Talking to MT today about why I thought this made me laugh, I said "to be perfectly honest with you it's the lips on this stamp that make me laugh." Anyone out there know why this is? Do you feel like your point will be believed more if you use "to be honest with you?" Another quality post from the Rican (I was suffering from major writer's block so this is all I could think of, Enjoy!).

Is Googling Stalking?

2005-06-29T07:33:00.000-05:00

My boy Homer has made some damn funny movie skits that you can catch here. One of the movies on there is about a group of college students that are addicted to Google. Now this movie would garner major Indie awards had the Rican been left out of the movie, but since Homer is a nice guy he let me have a role in his masterpiece.

Anyways that has really nothing to do with whether Googling (is that even a word) is stalking but I figured I'd pimp my boys movies up. What got me thinking about it was watching his movie and an article that I read in a magazine yesterday basically asking whether Googling your first love is stalking. If it pleases the court your Honor, I ask that you find that Googling is not Stalking.

I've googled plenty of people in my life. Hell I've even googled myself to see what comes up (nothing interesting). I think if you google someone from your past, or even someone you just met, there is NO WAY that can be considered stalking. I think I would simply call it research! Just because I want to know what happened to B from back in the day and find out whether she married that douchebag loser she left me for or not. I'll admit it, I've googled pretty much all my ex girlfriends. That doesn't make me a stalker damn it. It makes me thorough. I just want to know what would come up or what I can find, not drive by their houses 4 times a day hoping to get a glimpse of them while at the same time hoping that time has not been kind to them (j/k I'm not that bad). Besides I might not even have the right B when I google. I doubt that the B I was looking for has started a "passion party" company (for those of you who don't know what that is, and don't worry I didn't either, it's like a Tupperware party except with sex toys). I also doubt that the B I am looking for is a partner at the private investigation firm of X (but that would be cool). See I'm just doing some good, natural research, not stalking, stalking is totally different. Stalking is like following someone for hours and hours and camping out by their house. I would never do that come on (I'd hire someone to do that shit for me there's no way in hell I'm going to get caught!)

See it's obvious that Google is not stalking. For the reasons stated above, I ask that you find for the Rican in this matter your Honor.

Holla the Rican can Kiss

2005-06-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks to Mariam for this quiz. It was funny to see that she's a dominating kisser though!