Friday, December 23, 2005

The Slump Buster

Anyone who follows baseball, or sports for that matters, has a good idea what a slump buster is. For those of you out of the loop let me give you a clue as to what exactly a slump buster is. The basic definition is when you are struggling as a team or individually and can't seem to get out of your "slump," then you find a big, like really big, woman, get down and dirty with her and that will be the end of the slump.

My sophomore year of high school, we were having a pretty good season as a team and then our team kinda went into the tank. Paralleling the team's struggles was yours truly. I had been playing really well and then boom, I couldn't get a hit to save my life and my defense was starting to crap out as well. Needless to say all of us were trying to figure out a way to get back on track and break out of the slump. Enter the slump buster...

I had a friend in high school who's mom always seem to go out of town on the weekends and always seem to stock up on booze before she left so her daughter could have a party as long as people just crashed there. Well one night, just like any other time we partied at her place, we were drinking, flirting and just being crazy. We would play drinking games and have competitions to see who could rollerblade the longest while being drunk. At this point I'm pretty wasted to the point that I pass out on a lazy boy. I wake up a little later with a HUGE pink panther doll in my lap (like it was giving me head) and red nail polish on my shirt (which I first thought was blood and I went running around asking people who bled on me and that I hoped they didn't have AIDS, like I said I was drunk).

After I figured out it was nail polish I passed out on the couch once again only this time I woke up because someone was kissing my neck. It turned out to be this really big girl (think like 6'2" 230lbs) but with the alcohol still flowing in my system and the thought of breaking out of the slump I decided to go for it (not that I had much of a choice because at this point she was pretty much on top of me). We went back to one of the bedrooms and started making out. While we didn't actually do the deed, we were close enough to where I was confident that it would qualify as a slump buster.

As we were getting dressed some of my teammates saw us coming out of the room together and began to cheer. Everyone else at the party couldn't understand why they were cheering me on considering I had just scored with Sasquatch. One of my teammates turned to one skeptical guy, shook his head and said, "dude that was a slump buster"...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Random Stuff in my Head

I believe there are some things nature did not intend Puerto Ricans or any Brown person for that matter to be able to do. I believe nature did give Brown people the ability to show up for anything on time. I also believe nature did not intend for Brown people to shovel snow since I have broken 2 shovels the past week trying to shovel my driveway.

I never understood why some dudes think leaving the top 3 buttons of their shirts unbuttoned so that their chest hair sticks out is cool. I thought ladies didn't like the hairy look. It's even worse when the chest hair is gray *shudder*.

I can't figure out why I can make it through 12 years of schooling, 4 years of college and 3 years of law school with pretty decent grades but I can't figure out how to put on a diaper on Baby Ricanette without having it leak on me when she feels the urge to go.

I think if President Bush is listening on a Phone Sex conversation that I'm paying $4 per minute to enjoy, he should either give me half for the benefit he's deriving or give me a tax cut.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

How Long is Too Long?

I try not to have hard and fast rules when it comes to relations with the fairer sex. That being said, I think there has to come a point in the dating/seeing/ whatever aspects of hooking up where you take it to the next level. Obviously I've been out of the game for a little while seeing that I'm married but I'd like to think that I still have some wisdom upon which my friends seek out.

As a bit of background information, my boy has been kinda seeing/dating whatever this chick for probably about 2 months now. I met her when I was down in FL and she's pretty cool, funny and good looking. However, my boy, who happens to look like Matt Damon so he has no trouble getting chicks, could not get a kiss out of this girl until the 4 attempt. He kept going in for the kiss and she kept giving him the cheek. Finally, on the 5 freaking date, she kissed him on the lips (and he basically had to guide her chin to make sure she didn't turn her head). Like I said, I'm not one for hard and fast rules but if I haven't gotten a kiss after the 2nd or at most 3rd date I'm out. For whatever reason, my boy stuck it out, and I'm guessing she knows how to kiss because he's still "dating" her.

He ended up hanging out with her this past weekend where one of her friends asked, "have you guys fucked yet?" He just smiled and said no. Apparently, this chick has made guys wait up to a year before getting the freak on. A year!!! Are you kidding me? I totally respect people that want to wait until marriage and aren't just going to give it up easy. I also would not encourage people to just sleep around with whoever walks by. However, I know I would not and could not wait that long to be sleep with someone. No matter what people say, sex is important in a relationship and the only way you are going to figure out if it works is by doing it. I guess my question is how long would you wait? I don't think my boy is going to end it just yet but I know damn well he's not going to wait a year. I'm thinking I would probably wait about 3 or 4 months then if I ain't getting the nookie I'm out.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I have been Tagged

Therefore I will comply.

The job:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

So here it is:
"After they show up (hopefully after some hard core tailgaiting outside the courtroom), they should stand and cheer when I walk in the door as I walk by high-fiving them on the way to the counsel table."

I won't Tag other people to do it but if you're game, I wouldn't mind reading what you got.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Door Test

Everyone has their own little things that they do to try to determine whether or not the person they are going out with is a "keeper" or just someone to mess around with. Well after watching A Bronx Tale with a bunch of my boys back in the day. It's there that Sonny bestows his wisdom on C about the fairer sex. Sonny tells C that you only get 3 Great Women in your life and you can determine whether the person you are going out on a date is a great one by the Door Test.

Basically what the door test is, when you go to pick up your date, you lock the door to the driver's side door. You go to the girl's door, open the door for her and close it behind her. Then, you look in through the back window of the car. If the girl reaches over and unlocks the door then she's a great one. If she doesn't then it means the broad is selfish and you are supposed to dump the chick right then and there.

I've done this test numerous times and funny enough it's worked to let me know which girls are considered keepers and which ones were girls that ended up as the butt of my jokes on a blog. However, I never took Sonny's advice to dump the girl right then and there because hey, if I could get mine then why bother dumping her just yet, right? Well this test creates some problems though that my boys and I were talking about a few weekends ago. Right now, most cars come with Keyless entry, so what are you supposed to do when you hit the button to unlock the door and let the girl in, lock it again and see if she unlocks it? That just makes you look like a stalker or a freak. Like what the hell is this guys doing. Plus if the test is supposed to be inconspicuous, wouldn't she find out something was up if you locked the car AFTER you let her in?

Another problem we saw is that some cars (my last car used to be like this) basically make the lock go completely into the door and the girl doesn't know that you can just use the door handle to open it then she can't possibly pass the test. So do we give her partial credit for trying, does that make her a good one rather than a great one, does that mean that at the end of the night you might cop a feel rather than going all the way?

Lastly we tried to figure out exactly how many times does the girl have to pass the door test before it's considered a sure thing? I mean when you first start in a relationship you hide all your flaws and basically put on a front. What if she is a selfish broad, but has seen the movie and knows about the test? Is there a determinate amount of time required before she can be put on the Great One list?

I guess there is never going to be a test that accurately tells us one way or another if the woman we are dating is a sure thing, or just a story for a blog. If you freakin women would just be easy to read like us guys we wouldn't have to come up with these ridiculous tests to try to figure you out. Oh well, I'm back for better or worse, I hope I haven't lost too many of ya'll yet.
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