Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Asshole of the Week

Can this get any funnier? How is a dude name Ronald Macdonald get a job at Wendy's in the first place, let alone rob it? Classic. You can't make this stuff up kids. Congrats R-Mac, you are my asshole of the week.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Shout Out!

I gotta give my Alma Mater's (UCF) football team some major props. Last year they suffered through a horrible 0-11 season, combined with 4 straight losses the year before and 2 straight losses to start this year, they had suffered 17 straight losses (by far the longest in college football). However, all changed after that 17th loss. The Knights went out and beat a good Marshall team and have yet to look back since. They have won 8 or their last 9 games to win Conference USA's Eastern Division. Not only that, but they will host C-USA's championship game Saturday December 3 against either UTEP or Tulsa. It's a damn shame I will be in Otown this coming weekend and not next because you can beat your ass I'd be supporting them. As such, look for the game to be on ESPN and for UCF to make their first bowl appearance in school history. GO KNIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember me?

Alright so it's been a while and for that I apologize but as ya'll know it's not like I have all the free time in the world since little Ricannette ain't trying to let me sleep. However, she's cute as hell (obviously doesn't look like me) so it's all good.

Funny story from a few weeks back to welcome back some readers. I was chatting on IM with one of my friends from middle school. I haven't talked to her in years but we were close back then so it's not like it's a big deal to talk now. She found me on Thefacebook so it was cool to reminisce.

Anyways we start chatting and catching up on what we've been up to, kids, etc. Well she then says oh do you remember so and so? I told her that the name didn't sound familiar to me. She goes to describe this girl and I'm just drawing a complete blank, I'm starting to think that E is confusing me with someone else (I broke out the yearbook and everything and still couldn't picture the girl). What E forgets to tell me is that while she's asking me if I remember this girl, the girl is sitting next to her reading our conversation over her shoulder. No sooner do I give up on trying to figure out who the chick is when she types, "Hey asshole, I slept with you sophomore year of high school, how can you not remember?" Whoops, it's not like I've gotten around the block too much but damn how am I supposed to remember one girl from like 11 years ago that I slept with ONE time? Must have been memorable for sure ;-)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Trick or Treat?

I love Halloween. To a fat kid, there is no better holiday than one where he can use his girth to get himself some free candy without getting made fun of. Easter is another classic example of a great holiday for fat kids. But didn't you actually have to say "Trick or Treat" to get candy? Didn't you used to say thank you and accept graciously all the candy bestowed upon you no matter if it was that crappy orange and black wrapped stuff? At the very least didn't you wait until you were far enough away so the people who gave you said candy didn't hear you? Have things changed so much since I last donned a white hat and went as chef boyardee? After all, I'm only 26 so I never thought I'd say this but damn today's kids are rude little shits.

I'm manning the door last night while Baby Ricannette is feeding then freaking out because the doorbell is ringing every 2 minutes. I would patiently wait for the little tykes to say trick or treat, then let them choose 2 pieces of candy out of the bowl. And it's not like I had shitty candy, I had snickers, starburst, M&Ms, skittles, Nerds, the works. But some of these little ghouls and goblins decided that 2 wasn't enough. They dug their grubby little paws and grabbed the candy like a diabetic looking for their insulin.

Finally, I decided I better start handing the candy out myself. Toward the end of the night I realized my generosity to the initial trick or treaters might come back to haunt me. Our candy supply was coming dangerously close to being extinct with 30 minutes left to go in the trick or treat hours. Frantically looking for a solution, I decided I better start handing out 1 candy bar per kid to make it last. Wouldn't you know it, some little mother F er gets pissed when I hand him one piece of candy and says "is that it?" Is that it? Bitch I'm giving you candy, and good candy at that. Don't come and act all rude and not even say trick or treat and just sit there with your damn pillow case open. After the initial shock, I told him, yep that's it, if you had come earlier I was passing out 2! pieces of candy and dollar bills. He mumbled something under his mask then walked away. Then the last trick or treater of the night came to the door. Not knowing if this was the last one or not, I had to save a few pieces of candy for stragglers (myself) that came late. I gave her a piece of candy (after she didn't even say trick or treat) and she digs into her little pumpkin and says, "damn the guy next door gave us a whole bag of skittles!" I looked at her calmly as her mom just stood there and said, "well you better go back to that house before he runs out," then shut the door in their faces. What the hell happened to these kids?
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