Friday, October 07, 2005

First Day Impressions

I worked for the big T for a long time (something like 7 years). For the longest time I figured I would be a Target lifer. Thankfully, I've graduated to greener pastures. However, my time at Target was not without its fun times. I started in the store in my hometown in high school. When I moved out of my parent's house to be closer to college, I transferred stores. The manager of this store was one of my good friend's dads so it wasn't a total shock and hey who better to know than the guy in charge right?

Well my first day was a Saturday. Part of the job duties I had to do was open a cash drawer and count the money in. I went to open the drawer with the key and wouldn't you know it, I snap the damn thing. We had to call a locksmith and operate one register short at the service desk.

Feeling quite embarrassed, I worked extra hard throughout the day to make up for my stupidity. I worked so hard that I forgot to take a lunch break. Well my bowels decided they weren't about to wait for me to finish my shift and I had the sudden urge to shit. I tried to hold it in at first and then I realized if I didn't go now I would shit myself (I use to hate taking a shit in public that's why I tried to hold it in). Well, I told my coworker that I needed to take a break. I made a bee-line for the employee bathroom in the back (there's no way in hell I was going to use the bathroom that the customers use, I've cleaned those before, I know the nasty shit (no pun intended) that goes on in there) but the damn men's bathroom is being used. I do the poop dance for a while before I realized that whoever was in there wasn't coming out before my shit did so I decided to improvise. I looked around to see if anyone was close by. When I didn't see anyone I snuck in the woman's restroom.

Finally, I had the release my intestines were craving. I spent a good 10 minutes on the toilet (nasty huh). I finished, wiped then went to flush the toilet. I noticed that there was a lot in the toilet but figured it would make it without plugging the toilet. How wrong I was...You know those moments before when you are praying for something to happen even if you know it's not going to help? That was me. I saw the water begin to rise but insisted on praying to anything holy that this toilet would flush.

The water level finally stopped rising and from the looks of it, was starting to recede. Frantic, I decided to flush it again because I didn't want the next person in the bathroom to be left with a surprise. Man if I was praying hard before, I was selling my soul to the devil after the second flush. The water (and everything in it) came gushing over the sides of the toilet. I looked around and realized I was stuck. I quickly washed my hands then reached for the door. I listened to see if anyone was outside but didn't hear a sound. Reluctantly, I opened the door a crack to peak outside. Not seeing anyone, I hauled ass back to the front of the store and the service break. The girl that was working with me merely nodded when I returned. About 4 minutes later, I heard this call over the walkie talkie, "Cart attendant, can you bring a plunger, mop, bucket and air freshener to the women's employee bathroom in the back of the store." I tried all I could not to laugh. I looked at the girl that worked with me and she merely said, man I'm glad I'm not the one having to clean up that shit. Half an hour later the cart attendant came by the service desk to chat up the girl working with me. When she asked him what happened his response was, "man that must have been some fat bitch who just ate at a buffet because there was shit everywhere." Laughing hysterically I just shook my head and told him that it sucked he had to clean that up while thinking, if this cat only knew...


Blogger Gold Nugget said...

That's too funny. I used to work at a food store, Pick n Save. One time some kid vomited all over the floor, sink and toilet in the men's bathroom. I was working that day and my boss asked me to clean it. I didn't want to clean it, so what did i do? I looked for the manual that described our duties. As i looked through there was a moment like the ones in the movies were there's a light in the background and that victory music in the background. There in bold letters it said "Bodily fluids (like vomit or blood) are to be cleaned only by Management with proper precautions and equipment." I showed it to my boss, he wasn't happy and i got stuck getting carts all day. I rather get carts than pick up that chunky, pink and white vomit and that loose, green runny diareaha off the walls and sink. Sorry for the description

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god I laughed so hard, I think I peed a little. That was hilarious.


9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMMFAO!!!! OMG....that is the funniest!

9:25 AM  
Blogger chardrian said...

I must concur. Good post papa rican.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

Oh my God! Gerry, you're too funny! You had me laughing throughout the entire story. Man, if I was a cart attendant at the time and later found out that it was you who clogged the toilet and ran away.... oh man... the shit would fly!

The good ol' T -- it's certainly filled with many memories. Remember when you, me, and Ben tried to get down a TV from the top shelf in the backroom? Ben climbed like a monkey up the rafters and then threw it over the edge? I'm so glad I wasn't the recipient of that TV. I can guarantee you it was returned within a week and defected out!

4:05 PM  
Blogger FreakinRican said...


It's even funnier when you consider it was Corey Legg who had to clean it up.

4:57 PM  

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