Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Law School Reflections of a Specific Class

Homer has some pretty funny stories about his law school days on his blog. We were in a lot of the same classes in law school so I've seen his experiences first hand. We sat next to each other in one specific class (which shall remain nameless) and did a whole bunch of nothing. We would sit in the back of the class watching funny videos on the internet while trying to keep a straight face. Our biggest challenge, other than keeping a straight face, was trying to keep Nugget from giving us away since he liked to lean over Homer to see what we were looking at.

There were days when we would also start a class wide chatroom and try to see how many people we could get in the room. The class size was about 60 and I think the highest number we had in the room at one time was probably about 20. Then the teacher tried to "catch us in the act" and walked to the back of the class room where we were at to see what was on the computer so that ended the chatroom for a few days.

One day, seeing that our teacher was hell bent on preventing us from doing what we normally do, we decided to hold a draft of the women in the class much like one does for fantasy football, baseball, etc. We went through the motions of who picks first, the rules and how many people would be on a team. We each picked one by one which girls we would want on our team based on looks, personality, etc. After it was all said and done we looked at each of our teams and declared ourselves the winner. Naturally, we went to Nugget to find out his opinion. He seemed to side with Homer and declared him the winner. I think Homer might still have that list and I'd personally like to revisit it for a recount. Man those were the good old days of law school...

Thoughts and Prayers

I just wanted to write a quick note to all the victims and people affected by that monster Hurricane Katrina. My friends and family went through 3 pretty bad Hurricanes last year in Florida but the damage wasn't nearly as shocking as the pictures coming out of New Orleans are. I sincerely hope that the missing people are found alive and well and that casualties are minimal. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you down there.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Not what I expected...

*Warning this post is a little explicit (isn't that something that people write when they want you to read what you are going to say).*

I'm convinced every guy and most girls out there in cyberspace have search for some porn here and there. Some people do it regularly and some people do it just when the time feels right (if it's good enough for Tom Brady then it's good enough for me). Well I was messing around the other day looking at stuff and came across a site that had trailers to their actual movies.

Being the curious sort that I am I decided to click on a few of these trailers to see what was available. Some of it was weird and some of it was pretty cool. Then I came upon a curious one. The girl in it was really hot and it looked like it was going to be a solo trailer. I clicked on it to see what was up and started watching. It was only about a 20 sec but something caught my eye (not what you think perverts!) and I had to watch it again. I thought that I was seeing things when I first watched it but to my surprise I had not imagined it. The girl in the video was straight up cross-eyed. I mean not like she had a lazy eye that just kind of floats out there. Homegirl was working it with her left eye trying to look at her right eye.

You pay (presumably) pretty good money to some of these women to do what they do and this is the best you could come up with? I couldn't even watch it for what it was meant to be watched for because I was mesmerized by seeing a cross-eyed porn star. Easily the weirdest thing I've seen and you know there is some weird shit out there. Anyone else see anything remotely strange like this?

Update: Here is the link for the 2 people who asked for it. I will warn you that it is VERY EXPLICIT so if you aren't into it you will now enjoy it.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Tagged Again

I was tagged by Gold Nugget so I must comply. Here they are:

List ten songs you are currently doesn't matter what genre, or if they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists and the tens songs on your Blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

The ten songs that I am currently listening to are.....

1. Gold Digger - Kanye West
2. Ain't Nuttin but a G' Thang - Dre and Snoop
3. Notorious Thugs - Notorious B.I.G and Bone Thugs
4. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet
5. Juicy - Notorious B.I.G.
6. Changes - Tupac
7. Anytime - Brian McKnight
8. Numb/Encore mix - Jay Z & Linkin Park
9. Let me Hold you - Bow Wow and Omarion
10. Outta Control - 50 cent

I ain't tagging anyone but if you feel like doing it go ahead with yo bad ass self.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Uh...Thank You Officer?

I've never been good with the boys in blue. It seems every time I ran into an officer of the law I was caught doing something stupid or saying something dumber. I remember when I was in 10th grade my friends and I went to Mickey D's before hitting the bowling alley. Two police officers came into the restaurant and headed toward the bathroom. As the last of the two was walking in the door I yelled "I SMELL BACON!" Naturally the nice officers took their time in the bathroom and casually strolled over to my table where I thought I had gotten away with my prank. They asked which us which one of us smelled bacon and my friends sold me out without even thinking twice. The nice officer asked me my name and phone number. He was nice enough to call my parents and clue them in as to what I had done. Before he was done he smirked and said, "I bet you'll think twice before trying to be cool in front of your friends." Uh yeah asshole thanks.

When I was 16 I thought I was hot shit because I got to drive to school (even though it was less than a mile from my house). One time I kind of paused at a stop sign rather than completely stopping and didn't see the police officer. By the time I pulled into the driveway I realized there was a cop behind me with flashing lights. Not knowing what happened, I confidently strode over to the police officer and asked him what was wrong. He informed me that I had ran a stop sign and that if I HAD stopped, I would have seen him. Then I noticed all the neighbors at their windows checking out the true life cops episode unfolding on their presumably safe street. I didn't tell my parents at first what happened and since my bro is more the black sheep of the fam they assumed it was him who was in trouble when a stupid ass neighbor asked why the police where in our drive way. Of course I got a ticket and the officer indicated I was Hispanic in the race box.

2 years later I got pulled over on campus at UCF for going 27 in a 25. 27! Are you fucking kidding me. The asshole said I was speeding in a school zone and begged me to take him to court so he could make me pay more. I tried to fight like hell to get the ticket reduced (from $149) and lost. The only joy I took out of that was that it was about 100 degrees outside and I saw this bastard sweating on his nice new Oakleys. Once again Hispanic in the race box.

Well earlier today I was driving through little town Wisconsin going about 67 in a 55. I saw the police officer coming in the opposite direction and took my foot off the gas. I saw him do a U-turn and knew my ass was in the sling. I slowed down to 55 and then saw him flick on his lights. Knowing I was busted, I apologized to the people in the car. He came over and asked for my license and registration. After spending a good 10 minutes determining I was not a sex offender, habitual criminal or uninsured he gave me back my license and registration. He then gave me something I've never seen in all my driving years (10 to be exact). I got a written warning. I couldn't believe it. He told me that if I get pulled over within a year I get a ticket automatically and told me to be careful when I drive.

Not knowing what to do with my new found enthusiasm. I carefully scanned the warning to make sure I wasn't getting Punk'd. After reaching the pinnacle of my euphoric state of mind, I noticed something that truly brought me back down to earth. After looking closely at the warning it seems that Mr. Officer thought I was a gringo. That's right folks, in the race box it didn't indicate Hispanic as it did on the previous encounters with the boys in blue. This guy thought I was white. It could be that since spending 3 years in Wisconsin has finally rid me of any sense of color I acquired living in Florida or perhaps it was the fact that I had 2 white women in the car with me. Whatever the case may be, it seems that the only way to get out of a ticket is by being white. Right Q Negro?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Worst Jobs

Homer and I were talking one day a while back about what some of the worst jobs are out there. We actually couldn't think of very many but I think this is the current list I have in mind for some of the worst jobs in this world. Feel free to contribute to this list if you can think of others.

1. Omarosa's PR person and husband - you know being that lady's husband is a job 24/7/365 and a crappy job at that. Her PR person constantly has to spin the crazy shit this woman says into something that won't damage her "career"

2. The guy that has to clean up those porn booths that you stick quarters in and watch the girls dance through a glass screen - can you imagine a shittier job? I can...(no pun intended)

3. The guy that has to walk behind the elephants or horses in a parade with the big ass shovel and the garbage can - not only do you have to dogde the piss that flows like the Niagara Waterfalls, you have to pick up the watermelon size shit once the animal chooses to relieve itself.

4. Donald Trump's Hair person - if this man is one of the wealthiest people in the country and this is the best that can be done with his lettuce patch you know the hair stylist has a bad job.

5. The guy that has to help sumo wrestlers out of their cloth and then subsequently clean the cloth - this is just a horrible thought, nuff said

6. Porn movie camera man - many would think this would be a great job but to me being at a job where you have to concentrate and hold the camera steady with an undoubtedly bulging erection has got to be one of the most difficult self imposed pain mechanisms I can think of.

7. Any character at an amusement park - I grew up in O-town and had friends who were characters at Disney. I heard how those kids beat up on you and threw shit on you, man there's no way I wouldn't hit back.

8. Telemarketer - I always interrupt them in the middle of their speech and tell them to take me off their list but I know there are much worse people who curse these people out the shitty part about the job? You can't hang up on anyone.

9. Dental Hygenist - you just know some people come into the dentist after eating some nasty ass garlic and onion laden meal at an Italian restaurant just to punish this poor people and you know that mask can't possibly block out all the stankness.

Last but not least...

10. The person who has to clean the bathroom at your local porn shop - you just know that even though there is a sign explicitly stating that no hanky panky is supposed to go down in the bathroom you get some nasty ass people who can't wait to jerk it.

Any other jobs?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

How did you find my blog?

I admit I'm easily entertained. I have heard the saying simple pleasures for simple minds and have no qualms admitting that it doesn't take much to amuse me. I'm also always interested in how people land on my blog. I know that some of the 5 people that read my blog have come to find it via the "next blog" button. Lately though I've been getting some visits from some people running some funky searches. Here are some of the funnier ones:

drunk puerto rican girl fucking - wow I didn't realize I had written anything like that on here at all, I hope you found something good on your other searches.

law school best looking women - I posted on this subject a while back but I made the comparison to being the valedictorian at summer school (hat tip: Homer)

you know you are old when - this has come up twice recently so I'm glad to know that I'm not the only old fart out here.

how to apply cologne - let's just hope this person read the comments and not just the post since I was putting it on the "hot spots" (for girls according to Buddha) and the trailer (which no one seemed to think was a good idea)

and my favorite:

puerto rican boobs - who knew typing the word man boobs would increase the traffic on the Rican blog. I can only hope that person was only midly disappointed when he/she realized that there was no boobage on this site.

Sidebar: has anyone noticed that when you do the spell check thing before you post, blogger doesn't know how to spell? I mean boobs is considered mispelled but you give me boobies as an option?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

We're #1!

University of Wisconsin was ranked #1 party school in the country! Read all about it here. Perhaps they can include this in the informational brochures they send out to prospective students.

Asshole of the Week

It's time to revive an old Rican Tuesday tradition that for some unexplained reason I have ignored lately. The Asshole of the Week Award returns today! There have been many assholes since I last posted on this in July but there is no doubt who I have in mind for today's prestigious award. The Asshole of the Week award goes to none other than the Leomiti family. Oh you don't know who they are? Well you can read about it here or just read on for my explanation.

For those of you who know me, you all know how much I love reality tv. While Survivor and The Real World are my favorites, I still enjoy watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition a lot. I like what Ty and his gang do for needy people who desperately need a new place to live. In this episode, 5 kids lost their parents to cancer and heart failure within 3 months of each other and the Leomiti family took them into their home. They made a tape to send into ABC pleading for a bigger house since their 1,300 square foot home could not accommodate 5 more people. They were selected and ABC built them a new home and gave all the kids over 16 cars. Now it seems that the Leomiti family only wanted the kids to move in so they could get selected for the show and have a bigger home built for them. It seems that they have been using racial slurs toward the 5 orphans (who are black) and began working to evict the kids from the home through physical abuse and name calling.

How the hell are you going to invite 5 kids to live with you after they lost both parents in a 3 month stretch only to increase your chances of getting selected for a show them pepper the kids with racial slurs and physical abuse so they move out of the house? How are you going to take away the kid's cars and other prizes the show gave them? The 5 kids have sued and if it turns out what they are alleging is true, here's hoping they get what they deserve since they were the reason you were selected. Congratulations Leomiti family! You all are my Asshole of the Week!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Casual Friday?

As many of you know, I work in a small town in a small law firm. The environment suits me well because the people are laid back and like to joke around. Since it's such a small office and since the partners actually own the building we are in, they are the ones that do the basic upkeep like mowing the lawn, planting trees, weeding, etc. The partners recently decided that they would make Fridays causal attire days. Basically this meant we could wear jeans. Recently, one of the partners has gotten more casual every week. One week he started wearing sneakers with the jeans and polo. Two weeks ago he went to just a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Last week though he took it to a new level.

He once again walked in wearing a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. It had been a pretty crazy week because of tight deadlines and the recent loss of one of our paralegals. Late afternoon Friday, the partner announces that he's just going to do yard work the rest of the day since he was sick of looking at law stuff (can you blame him?). After an hour the other associate tells me to look outside my window and check out our boss. Would you believe it, this guy is digging up dirt and planting small shrubs in his damn boxers! No shorts, no jeans, no shirt, just his boxers and his sneakers.

After the initial shock wore off, I noticed that he was sporting some major plumber's crack. Obviously the other associate and I are grossed out but we had to fuck with him about it. I opened up my window and screamed out "CRACK KILLS!" He looked up and half laughed, half smirked like he was pissed. He yelled back that this was where "the ladies" put the dollar bills when they drove by (mind you this is in the middle of little town America where everyone knows everyone).

After closing my window (and blinds) I worked the rest of the day out and got ready to leave. The other associate and I walked out together looked to our right and saw the partner still working on the lawn but his boxers were pulled up about 3 inches below his shirt. I don't know if he did that in response to our comment or just to mess around with us. Man they never taught me anything about this when I went to law school...

Friday, August 19, 2005

First Impression

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression." For the life of me I can't remember where that is from but I think it's from some toothpaste or gum commercial. Anyways, as most of you know I got a Baby Rican on the way soon so along with that comes the parenting classes before birth where they teach you stuff about labor, breathing, father's role, etc. We had class yesterday and naturally the Rican made a great first day impression.

The lady started by having everyone introduce themselves to the class and say a little about themselves. That was easy enough and we got through that quick. Next, came the power point presentation about the different stages of labor and what the body is doing to get ready for Baby Rican. Cool, at this point I'm still very interested and learning a lot. Then we go to the "breathing techniques."

I'm sure all of you know the standard one that you always hear. The closest thing I can think of to relate it in words is "puff, puff, give" but obviously with breathing and not weed. The teacher has everyone close their eyes and practice that and after a few minutes everyone seems to get it down. She lets us breathe like that for a few more minutes to learn the "feeling" of active breathing (I thought anyone who is breathing is actively breathing, apparently I was wrong).

Next she teaches us the deep "relaxation breathing." She again has us close our eyes to practice this technique. At this point, we had been in class for over 2 hours and since I wake up every morning before the damn roosters, I was very tired/sleepy. It did not help that there was slow classical music in the background and the lights were turned off. Without a moment's notice, the Rican starts snoring (I snore like a mutha so this is not a surprise and it usually takes me about 3 seconds to fall asleep and begin snoring). I snore so loud that I wake myself up. I looked around to see some people laughing and another guy give me the man I'm glad it wasn't me look. The teacher ended up turning the lights back on and turning the music up a little bit. Finally, after watching a birth, the class ended. As I was getting our stuff, I made eye contact with some people and got the distinct feeling that they were thinking, "THAT guy is going to be a father?" I couldn't agree with them more myself ;-)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

What Would You Do For $1?

Now, I probably wouldn't do too much for it, but back in the day, I made a deal with one of my boys to grab a girl's ass I had just met. It started off as a practical joke between a group of us and grew to a dare. I dare you to grab LL's butt for a dollar. Now it wouldn't be a big deal because LL and I are close, but back then, this was the first time I had ever met her. She was a friend of a friend that we had heard about but that was about it.

So the plan was hatched. I was going to grab her butt in front of my friends for proof and my boy M was going to pay me. She came into where we were at and introduced herself. We all said what's up and since she was fine we all started running game. LL was really shy around us, so she went to hang out with Big Nig (the guy she knew). She came back into the room to get something to drink and I saw my opportunity. I told myself on her way back outside I would do it. I finally got the courage smiled at her when she walked by and reached out my hand. It was as if time had slowed down. I saw her booty swinging from side to side and my hand slowly approaching it. Finally I planted my right hand firmly on her butt, gave it a little squeeze and pull my hand away. She looked at me completely disgusted and I think I heard her say something like Big Nig what's wrong with your boy, he just grabbed my ass.

I didn't care, I was on cloud 9 knowing that not only had I grabbed a hot girl's ass, but I has also made myself $1 richer. How old was I you wonder? Well I was the tender ripe age of 20. That's right, I wasn't 6,7 or even 10. I was 20 years old at spring break and drunk with the rest of my friends. Man these spring break stories...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Awkward Moment

Have any of you guys been out somewhere and seen someone who obviously did not want to be seen out? The reaction of these people is always priceless.

I was out this past weekend with some of my boys that were moving out of town and we started bar hopping. We hung out at this place waiting for the guy who told us to meet there (but he didn't show up until mad later, from what I'm told he was with an X) and then went to a second place. At this next bar we start hanging out and I see S. We'll call her S and not reveal too much information about since I told her I would keep it on the DL (little did she know I was going to be writing about it on the internet).

Initially I did a double take because I wasn't sure where I knew her from but I could tell she was familiar. I told my boy where I thought I knew her from and he was cool. After a couple of beers and a tequila shot I decided to talk to her, say hello and confirm if she was from where I thought I knew her from. I might as well been the Grim Reaper. The color just left her face and she was just frozen. Finally she smiles and she recognizes me. We start making small talk about where I know her from and just talk about whatever comes up (I didn't really know her, I just knew who she was).

She had sat down on a bench near where we were so we just continued talking. I couldn't tell who she was with since she was alone but I could tell she was buzzed. She was very friendly (not in that way get your minds out of the gutter) and touchy. Finally I saw who she was with and it was another girl! Again, I don't really know her and for all I know it could have been her long time lover but she definitely didn't want this information out there like that. She introduced me to her as her friend we made some more small talk. My boys decided to leave and go to another bar so I told S I had to go. As I'm saying goodbye she pulls me close and begs me not to tell anyone especially the person that we know in common that she was out and that she was with another woman. I said sure and told her since I was pretty buzzed I wouldn't remember anyway (obviously that didn't happen).

Has this happened to any of you? The look on these people is just hysterical. It's like they were caught with the hand in the wrong cookie jar ;-)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Embarrassing Story from Back in the Day

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that I went out a lot and partied like a rock star back in the day. We had scheduled nights to go out to different places almost every week. It usually centered on us drinking before we went out (since we were under age) and then trying to find the hunnys to dance the night away with (at least get your freak nasty on out on the dance floor). Naturally when you hang around the same group of fellas, and you've known them basically since middle school, you will always try to outdo one another or try to cock block when someone is running game.

One night we went to this club that had 3 different styles of music in the 3 different rooms. This was one of my favorite clubs because no matter what I was in the mood to get down to I could always find it. Throughout the night we stayed in the main room and got our share of booty on the dance floor. None of us would ever be considered a pro dancer or anything but we know how to at least move to the rhythm of the music so we never really had problems finding girls to dance with. I had been dancing with a couple of cool girls and had scored a phone number even though it was still mad early. Being Rican, I started talking shit to my boys about how I had the moves and the game and how it was a deadly combo.

I saw this chick dancing kind of off to the side with some of her girls. She was smoking hot and curvy. She had on these tight jeans and low cut top (ya'll know what I'm talking about). Anyways I she had caught my eye early in the night and then I looked over at her and it seemed to me that we made eye contact and dare I say I felt a "connection." Again being the Rican that I am I bragged to my boys how I was going to slide on over there dance with her for a while and get her number. I had told them how we made eye contact and she gave me a good look (looking back now for all I know she might have had an eyelash in her eye or something). They talk shit and told me that I would strike out.

Never backing down from a challenge, I strode over to her confident in my ability to get her out on the dance floor and get my groove on. As I approached her and her group of friends I popped a piece of gum in my mouth cause you know you can't be going over with some funky breath. I reached her smiled and asked, "do you wanna dance?" She kind of gave me that look that you see when the DJ misses a scratch on the turn tables and was like, "NO!" Shocked and embarrassed I thought quick and told her in her ear that she must have heard me wrong. She then asked me "didn't you ask me to dance?" I leaned over close to her ear and whispered to her, "no, no, no I only came over to say that you look fat in your pants."

I told my boys what happened and to this day they will not give me props for thinking on my feet. They just dwelled on the fact that the Rican that talked so much shit throughout the entire night was dissed by some chick in front of her friends.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

21 B-day Party aka Helicopter Story

As you all read in my last post, I had a hell of a time on my 21st birthday. As I'm sure you have already forgotten though, my birthday was on a Thursday, so naturally we had all weekend to party it up like it was 1999 (even though it was already 2000). Well we decided to throw a party on Friday (the day after my drunken debauchery in the club full of mistakes).

Just for a little bit of background, we had been throwing parties for about a year (our first big one was my 20th b-day where I was "detained" by the police but that's another story for another post). We had built quite a reputation that our parties were always a lot of fun, had great music (since one of my boys is a DJ) and tons of females. We printed out about 60 flyers to pass out at school with directions to the house and passed them out during the week. Our flyers were gone in like 2 days so we knew we would probably have a ton of people at the party.

Friday comes around and I'm hungover as hell. I can't believe we are actually going to have this party tonight and still gotta get ready. I finally get out of bed and throw away my puked on clothes (which hurts because it was my favorite shirt) around noon.We gathered up a lot of the crew and headed up to the liquor store to pick up the kegs. Our standard party issue keg requirement was 2 since we never liked running out and if anything was left over we would drink it while cleaning up the person's house we just trashed. We decide on 5 kegs because we just weren't sure how many people were coming but we knew there would be a lot. By the way this was a Hawaiian party so I was in my loudest ass flower shirt and lays all around my neck when we got into the store.

Finally, we go over the house, which sits in a normal residential neighborhood that college kids don't live in (Buddha had already graduated) and pull out 4 of the kegs and set them up outside on the porch in tubs of ice. We looked at each other and just shook our heads knowing there was no way we would drink this much alcohol in one night. We left one in the car since we had nowhere else to put it.

The people start flowing in at like 9:30. It's a nice steady flow of people that I know or at least know of and understand how they heard about the party. The beer starts flowing, music starts playing and the party begins to get mad fun. I'm already trashed and someone comes through the crowd of people and told me that my Pops had showed up. I was like what? Naturally, I gave my boy my beer since Pops had never seen me drink before and I went outside to see him. He said that I had left a flyer at the house and decided to stop by and say hello and happy birthday since I didn't see him the day before. I hung out with a little bit and he was like I think I'm going to leave now before the cops show up or the street gets blocked. I didn't understand what he meant by the street being blocked so I looked around and saw that there were cars everywhere. Cars on the side of the street, in people's yards and parked in the middle of the street.

At this point, we had been partying for about an hour and I noticed that there was a massive amount of people at the party that I didn't know. People knew it was my birthday so I had strangers come up and be like oh hey man happy birthday here's another beer (since there was a huge ass line to get the beer in the backyard). I even had one stranger show me the flyer we made to ensure that she indeed was invited and not just some random person who heard about a party. My boy Woody and I tried to do a headcount and stopped trying after we got past 250.

By far this was the biggest party we had ever thrown and it was just crazy. Every stereotypical group was represented. We had the Greeks (who I heard left their party to come to ours), we had the freaks (friends of friends), the blacks, the latinos, the preps and the football players. When the football players rolled up we saw a cloud of smoke come out of the cab in the truck they were riding in. I asked them how they could smoke w/o failing a test for athletic and they were like oh nigga we know when the tests will be ahead of time. As soon as they showed up one of the neighbors came over and told us there were cars parked all over the street and no one could get through. One of the football players was like well shit we can move the car and recruited some of his boys and the one guy of our group that looks like a football player and picked up the car and moved it out of the way. Even though I was trashed off my ass I could tell that was impressive.

Now after the party had been going for an hour and a half I hear we ran out of beer in the back (the 4 kegs) and our spare is being tapped as we speak. I was like well shit I better get me some before it runs out. I get there before the flow stops and drank the last of the beer. At this point it was 11:45 and in 2 hours we had been through 5 kegs!

Everyone just started dancing and partying it up when we got wind of cops showing up. They came in and tried to break the shit up. I heard one say he couldn't get his squad up to the house because there were too many cars in the way. Everyone started scrambling like ants do when you step on their pile. A lot of people tried to get out but they couldn't. Finally I look outside and I see my boy LB in full spotlight. I ran out to see what was going on and looked up to see a police helicopter over the loudspeaker yelling at everyone to get the hell out of there and that the party was over. Meanwhile, LB drunk as fuck looks up at the police helicopter and flicks it off.

After half an hour most of the people have ran and gotten the fuck out and the police officers cornered us in the main living room. They laid into us about how unsafe we were, blah blah blah and that they had to call a fucking helicopter to break our shit up. We tried not to laugh but ya'll that was some funny shit, especially since LB had been flicking off the copter 2 minutes ago. After some more yelling and threatening to arrest us all the cops finally left us alone and we heard the helicopter leave.

It was 12:30, I'm in my Hawaiian shirt, lays around my neck, 5 kegs gone, cop cars all around us and one police helicopter finally leaving. We sat around the room laughed and did the one thing left to do that night...We went for some food at Denny's.

Did I leave anything out Buddha?

Monday, August 08, 2005

21st B-day

My 21st birthday was on a thursday so we gathered a big group of us to go a club in O-town that had a dress code. I kinda like dressing up to go out so I was all about going to this club, where the ladies are hot, the drinks are expensive and the music is off the hook (translation for my white friends that means the music was good). It was 21 and over and a few of my friends were under 21 but we got them in since my boy Woody knew the chick that sells roses in the club and she snuck the underage people through the back door.

We get into the club and head straight for the bar. Going out with my boys, I knew I wouldn't be paying for shit all night, but little did I know that I would be "paying" for shit later. We get a shot of liquid cocaine (easily the nastiest shit I have ever tasted) and start heading to the dance floor. We make a couple of more stops at different bars inside the club for some more liquid cocaine (I had 12 shots of this total) and a beer chaser. Mistake #1 the start of my mixing liquor and beer.

After a few songs of bumping and grinding and everybody realizing that it was my birthday, I get a few more drinks. One of my boys had his friend in town who was an uber dance. Homeboy did some work on some music videos back in the day and was representing dancing on a speaker. He saw me dancing near by and was like "Rican switch spots with me nigga, it's your birthday you gotta dance up here." Mistake #2 thinking that I could balance myself on a speaker while dancing and drinking a beer. I started dancing and busting a move (while trying not to bust my pants or my ass) and I felt my beer fall out of my hands and break on the dance floor near some girl's feet. She was drunk as fuck so she just laughed it off. I realized that I wasn't about to fall off this thing so I jumped down and snuck by the beer tub and grabbed a beer while the chick wasn't looking. I have no idea what possessed me to do this but I just figured it's my birthday I can just take shit. Luckily no one saw me and I didn't get booted out of the club.

I kept drinking beer and taking shots. I went upstairs to a different part of the club to check out the ladies. I was so drunk that I thought my "pretend to bump into girls and get them to talk to me" move was incognito. Only later did I find out that it was so obvious my boys were taking bets as to when I was going to do it next. I finally found a chick that the move worked on and we started kicking it. We talked for a minute and I told her it was my birthday. I was like you gotta give me a birthday kiss. She was like sweet and we started making out in the middle of the club. After going at it for a few minutes, I realized I was so drunk I couldn't even tell if this chick was cute (to this day I still don't know but I remember her name was Carmen since that was the name of my first you know!). Mistake #3 - pulling away from her in mid kiss and telling her that I needed to find my friends since they were my ride while thinking in my head, I gotta find my friends so they can tell me whether this chick was cute or not. I just left her there and went to find my boys but never went back to Carmen.

Toward the end of the night, I was so drunk that I couldn't find the bathroom. I recruited my roommate to show me the way and made him promise to stick around since at this point I was completely inebriated. He led the way and I stood in line. I started bitching because there is never a line to the guy's bathroom and the dude in front of me was like no shit man this sucks. At this point I hear the DJ say something like "hey everyone, it's Rican's 21st birthday so if you find him buy him a shot." I raised my hands like I had just won the lottery and started screaming like a little kid running from Neverland. The dude in front of me was like "well hey man it's your birthday you can go in front of me." I told him thanks and went to pass him and tripped on God knows what and I landed straight on my knees. Not my face, chest but my damn knees. I was like fuck (it hurt like a bitch) so he and my roommate helped me up. Mistake #4 thinking I was sober enough to dance, scream and pass some dude in the bathroom line while drunk. This was the last thing I remembered from the club.

Later I found out in pictures, that I was skipping out of the club to the car. I was so sick on the way home that a 15 minute car ride from the club to my place took us 45 mins since I was throwing up all over the place and in the rose seller's car. I was dropped on my street by my boys just cracking up when they were trying to hold me by just my belt (apparently I looked up and told them to just let me go). I woke up in the bathroom on my side with my laundry basket pressed against me (I thought this was a dream until I saw the pictures since I remembered this part). And I found my friends all passed out on the floor, in doorways and outside in the lawn. Man I miss those days...;-)

Friday, August 05, 2005

Spring Break Story #1

SPRING BREAK '92!!!! OK so it really wasn't that far back (considering I was only 13 in '92) but it's the slogan my boys and I seemed to use every time we went to Spring Break since we had Buddha with us and he, being a bit older than us, would brag about being on Spring Break every year since 1992. No, this Spring Break was 2000 at Daytona Beach. It's kind of a sell out for someone from Orlando to go to Spring Break at Daytona (it's like 45 mins away) but we didn't take the time to plan anything else. This was still a memorable Spring Break.

We showed up at our hotel with about 12 people for one room. We got 2 keys for 12 people and 4 tickets for the free breakfast per day that was served from 6-8 a.m. (that was so fucking early for us that we usually didn't go to bed until after the free food and we went in turns so we could all use the tickets). One the guys had a "UCF Football" hat and was a pretty big dude. The rest of us are to small or too fat to even be considered football players but this guy definitely fit the look. Our first night we start roaming the halls in our hotel room and crash a party going on in the room next door. The people are cool, invite us in and get us drunk. Big dude comes in wearing his hat and everyone immediately asks if he is a football player. Next thing I know my other boy Woody is telling everyone at the party that we are all football players and that this is the only week of practice we are allowed to miss. Then everyone is all over us asking us what positions we play, if we are any good, etc. We all just start making shit up I said I was a fullback and Woody (who is like 5'9" and weights like 165 was like I'm the kicker. On the mornings, we would wait for people to start getting up around the hotel and then we would "work out" on the beach since we were supposed to stay in shape. We would do the dumbest shit. We would try to do push ups, crunches and run sprints just so we could get some play. We went from just drinking and partying to running and shit on spring break in our sandals!

Throughout the week everyone buys us drinks, calls us the UCF football players and basically kissed our asses. One night we start partying with the same crew from the hotel and one dude asks my boy Little Bitch (who said he was a receiver) what kind of offense we run. LB looks at me, shrugs and tells the dude, "well I don't really know dude, I don't play much so when I get out there I just run around" then tells the guy that we are getting ready for the draft. DRAFT???

We went from scrawny and fat to future NFL football players overnight. Next thing we knew, we had these 3 chicks from NY all over our jocks since we were going to go "pro." Woody even said told them that he was probably the best kicker in the country (pathetic!). Finally, I took the girls to the airport and each one of them gave each one of us their phone numbers and told us to call them if we get drafted by the Giants since they train near their college. To this day, we get emails out of the blue asking us what team we ended up playing for...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Sam's Club

I've never really understood why people become members of this place. Actually I take that back I do understand because a whole year for $30 and tons of free samples on the weekends isn't bad. I'm also a member so I can't hate too much but some of the stuff they sell in there is ludicrous.

Who in their right mind needs a gallon of mayonnaise, 5 pounds worth of bacon, 4 pounds of cheese and a quart of mustard? I understand that the stuff is cheaper when you buy in bulk but damn how can someone go through that much stuff without it getting spoiled? Do you really need the 80 pound bags of gum? 150 packages of jello (well I guess if you were doing jello wrestling then yes). I guess I'll never understand the buy in bulk theory when I'm sure at least half the shit ends up getting tossed out (like it does at my house).

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Proper Way to Ask?

WARNING: This post will have some sexual content to it. It's supposed to be funny so please no one take offense!

I was talking to one of my good friends from back home this past weekend and he asked me a very weird but funny question. He asked me what I thought would be a proper way to ask his girlfriend to trim a little. It appears that his girl doesn't quite shave the bikini area as much as he would like, but he doesn't want to offend her by asking her in a way that might sound rude.

After thinking about it for a while, I told him that perhaps he should try to bring it up in a conversation about what they like to do sexually. I figured if they were talking about fantasies and sex, it would be a good time to bring it up casually and say something like, "hey I'd love it if you would shave or trim a little closer." Perhaps even suggest that he might be willing to do more if she obliged (he's not a big fan of going downtown). I also suggested that he just make it out to be something that he's into not so much a problem with her. Or he could just be honest and say look baby girl it's a jungle down there, can you at least trim the shrubs?

He said he'd try it and see how it went. Well I talked to him today and it seems that the conversation didn't go over so well. She was upset that he would thought she was "hairy" and that he tried to use the incentive of oral as a reason for her to shave. She was embarrassed and now is PISSED at him. Naturally that equals no nookie of any kind.

Did I suggest the wrong thing? Should he have just kept his mouth shut and dealt with it? I always thought when it came to that one should be honest and let the other know what they wanted. Is there a proper way to ask your significant other to trim the shrubs w/o offending? Any amount of help would be appreciated since my boy is suffering from blue balls as we speak...

To the Person Who Found my Blog Looking for Answers to Interview Questions...

You are at the wrong site! If you looked through my blog for the answer to the "why should we hire you" question, you undoubtedly found that my answer would be "why should I except your offer?" Or you could even try another one that crossed my mind, "because I can help you meet a minority quota."

Tagged Again!

My lifetime since Cherry tagged me.

10 Years Ago: August 1995 - Well I was close to beginning my junior year of high school thinking I was hot shit since I could finally drive, had a car and was a pretty good baseball player. I worked for a local grocery store bagging groceries and taking 90 minute 10-minute breaks. Experienced a lot of firsts but I will leave it at that.

5 Years Ago: August 2000 - Just enjoying being 21 and acting crazy with my friends. Played a lot of intramural sports, drank a lot and threw parties that people still talk about (including a police helicopter incident at my 21st birthday party).

1 Year Ago: August 2004 - I was just enjoying my last month of summer vacation of my life. I was preparing for my final year in law school, looking for a job since my job at that time did not hire lawyers right out of school. I was still trying to get over a miscarriage that happened the month before.

Yesterday: I spent 6 hours in the car driving to and from a trial that never happened. It seems the plaintiff/applicant was not as ready as she indicated and even though the judge could have dismissed the case, he chose not to. I also attended my first Packer training camp and chatted up some of the players that probably will not make the team but were easily some of the biggest dudes I've ever seen.

Tomorrow: I'm sure I'll be working and I think I have a baseball game. Other than that I don't plan too far ahead, I'm more of a go with flow guy.

5 Snacks I enjoy: Snickers, Cheesecake, Strawberry Ice Cream, Pretzels, and Danishes (trust me you don't get "big boned" like me w/o sweets in your life.

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Like Danielle I'm going to have to go with at least some rappers. Dr. Dre, Snoop, Eminem, Biggie and Jimmy Buffet.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: First and foremost I would tithe 10% because God knows that's the only way I'm getting into Heaven. I would donate another 10% to a scholarship fund for under privileged kids. I would pay off all my debt and my parents debt. I would buy my mom a new car. And lastly, I would invest a HUGE (like 50%) amount of it so my kids didn't have to worry about their future and could go to whatever school they choose to go.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Greece, Spain, Fiji, South Africa, NYC.

5 bad habits I have: I curse way to fucking much, I hold a lot in when I get upset, I let others walk over me sometimes, I play on the internet while I should be working, I have troubling saying "no."

5 things I like doing: Playing sports, reading, hanging out with the Quanz gang, going to sporting events, laying out by the beach.

5 things I would never wear: Spandex (God that's an ugly thought), shorts that land above my knee, tighty whities, anything tye dyed, nut hugger jeans.

5 TV shows I like: SportsCenter, Survivor, Entourage, Real World, and (don't laugh) Wheel of Fortune (God that was hard to admit).

5 movies I like: Tommy Boy, Forrest Gump, Dumb and Dumber, Major League, Bull Durham.

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Salma Hayek, Gary Carter (my all time favorite baseball player), Tiger Woods, the Dalai Lama, Tupac (if he was alive of course).

5 biggest joys at the moment: Blogging (God that sounds lame), reading Danielle's blog!, my job/the people I work with, Baby Rican, my family/friends.

5 favorite toys: My golf clubs, my baseball glove, and yeah that's about it right now.

Monday, August 01, 2005

First Actual Trial

Even though I've won 2 cases already, none of them have been actual trials. The first win was a preliminary hearing that got the cased tossed out and the second win was an appellate decision. Today tests my skillz as an actual litigator. It's a worker's compensation case in front of a judge (who also acts as the jury when he renders his opinion). Unfortunately, I won't know how I do until Mid-Late September since the judges don't render their opinions until 45-60 after the trial. I'm more nervous for this than I was for my other 2 and I'm lucky enough to spend 3 hours in the car one-way to think about my nerves and my case. Wish me luck everyone and I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow!
Web Counter