Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Cologne Dilemma

I have a problem, but first let me start with some background information. When I was in high school, I used to steal my dad's cologne and put it on to impress the ladies. Mind you I didn't even like the way the stuff smelled at that time (sorry Pop!) but I knew that girls liked the guys that were wearing this stuff. I started to put it on regularly (which I still do) and even began getting compliments on the smell.

One day however, a girl that sat next to me in class (that was a sophomore when I was a freshman so everything she said was gold to me...fucking upperclassmen) asked me what that smell was. She gagged some and couldn't stop coughing. Being the nice guy that I am I asked her what she was smelling and even tried to help her locate the source of the foul stench. She brushed by me, gave me a look that to this day is ingrained in my mind, and yelled oh my god it's you! What the hell do you have on? Mortified, I looked at her and said "uh...some of my dad's cologne." She then asked me if I had showered with it because the smell was so strong. I told her no, I just put some on my hands rubbed it on my neck and cheeks (I used to think you did this but now I know you only do that with after shave). I told her I was never taught how to properly apply cologne. Naturally that ended any prospects I had with said chick.

The motivation for this story came from the other associate at the firm who had a hearing today and said she could still smell the client's shitty cologne because he put so much on that it stayed in her nose hairs. I know exactly what that man is going through.

However, my problems is that I was never taught how to properly apply the correct amount of cologne. In fact I STILL DON'T really know how to apply cologne correctly. I've used a few different methods over the years so I know that at least part of the time I'm doing it correctly:

1) There is the "spray and walk through" method (recommended by most of the people who I have asked over the years) where you spray some in the air and walk through it.

2) There is the "hot spot" method, where you put it on your wrists, rub the wrists together and then apply gently to your neck.

3) There is the "direct application" method where you spray the cologne directly onto your body, clothes etc. This by far received the most negative reactions. This is the one that leads to the "woah this guy put too much cologne on" look.

4) And lastly, I learned a new one from my boys while in college..."the Trailer." You spray the cologne on the back of your neck so when you walk by a girl she smells you after you walk by causing her to come after you.

Does anyone out there know if I'm correctly applying the cologne I wear? I don't want to want to offend anyone (especially clients) with my Cool Water, Curvey, Nautica or Romance. Please help a Rican out. Obviously this is a crisis that needs immediate attention


Blogger Cherry said...

mmmmmmmm, I love Nautica.

I think the walk-through is the best.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

Rican your nuts. I am with Cherry, the walk thru.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Gold Nugget said...

My nigga,
There are some steps you have to follow. 1. If it's the first time you buy the cologne and it's first application, you have to smell that, or in your case since you seem to have no discretion, ask your wife how strong the smell is. 2. I think if you put the cologne about half arms length spray once right in the middle of your chest then about a hands lenght spray again on your palm and rub that gently around your neck. (if the cologne smell is not that strong do step 1 one more time)
I have found that this method works and is appreciated by the ladies and anyone stuck in an elevator when you know it gets hot in there.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Gold Nugget said...

one more thing
Cologne's that require one spray for step 1.
Any of the Versace colognes
Romance and other Ralph lauren
Dolce and Gabbana
Armani line colognes

One's with not so strong smell
Nino Cerruti
Yves Sait Laurent
the emporio armanin line

1:52 PM  
Anonymous buddha said...

I'm pretty sure the "hot spot" method you referred is how ladies put on perfume. I don't think this is meant to be cross-gender.

I'm with you tho - no one ever taught me the "proper way" (if there is such a thing). I stick with the spray and walk.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Southern Fried Girl said...

Spray and walk, darlin.

I also work for an insurance defense firm but I am a lowly paralegal. Treat your staff nice or I will cut you.

2:02 PM  
Blogger FreakinRican said...

Thanks for your tips everyone especially Buddha, who knew that the "hot spot" wasn't cross-gender, lord knows I'll stop that one at once.

Since everyone basically said the spray and walk that will be the one I use unless I use one of Gold Nugget's designated not strong smells.

Lastly southern I treat all the paralegals great here. They know more about the law than I do so I don't pretend to be pompous with them.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Southern Fried Girl said...

Then there is a special place in heaven for you. :)

3:34 PM  
Blogger Moral Turpitude said...

Don't you watch Queer Eye? Spray, Delay, & Walk Away. The walk through.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

> Don't you watch Queer Eye?

Um, let's hope not!

6:10 AM  
Blogger Nessa said...

my husband sprays gently (like arms-length away) on either side of the shoulder area - it works

4:45 PM  

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