Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Cologne Dilemma

I have a problem, but first let me start with some background information. When I was in high school, I used to steal my dad's cologne and put it on to impress the ladies. Mind you I didn't even like the way the stuff smelled at that time (sorry Pop!) but I knew that girls liked the guys that were wearing this stuff. I started to put it on regularly (which I still do) and even began getting compliments on the smell.

One day however, a girl that sat next to me in class (that was a sophomore when I was a freshman so everything she said was gold to me...fucking upperclassmen) asked me what that smell was. She gagged some and couldn't stop coughing. Being the nice guy that I am I asked her what she was smelling and even tried to help her locate the source of the foul stench. She brushed by me, gave me a look that to this day is ingrained in my mind, and yelled oh my god it's you! What the hell do you have on? Mortified, I looked at her and said "uh...some of my dad's cologne." She then asked me if I had showered with it because the smell was so strong. I told her no, I just put some on my hands rubbed it on my neck and cheeks (I used to think you did this but now I know you only do that with after shave). I told her I was never taught how to properly apply cologne. Naturally that ended any prospects I had with said chick.

The motivation for this story came from the other associate at the firm who had a hearing today and said she could still smell the client's shitty cologne because he put so much on that it stayed in her nose hairs. I know exactly what that man is going through.

However, my problems is that I was never taught how to properly apply the correct amount of cologne. In fact I STILL DON'T really know how to apply cologne correctly. I've used a few different methods over the years so I know that at least part of the time I'm doing it correctly:

1) There is the "spray and walk through" method (recommended by most of the people who I have asked over the years) where you spray some in the air and walk through it.

2) There is the "hot spot" method, where you put it on your wrists, rub the wrists together and then apply gently to your neck.

3) There is the "direct application" method where you spray the cologne directly onto your body, clothes etc. This by far received the most negative reactions. This is the one that leads to the "woah this guy put too much cologne on" look.

4) And lastly, I learned a new one from my boys while in college..."the Trailer." You spray the cologne on the back of your neck so when you walk by a girl she smells you after you walk by causing her to come after you.

Does anyone out there know if I'm correctly applying the cologne I wear? I don't want to want to offend anyone (especially clients) with my Cool Water, Curvey, Nautica or Romance. Please help a Rican out. Obviously this is a crisis that needs immediate attention

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Another Win Baby!

I try not to brag too much but I'm feeling sky high today after winning my second case. Ok this one wasn't really MY case, in fact all I did was write the appellate brief to the Court. However, when the Judge announced his decision he actually cited the argument section of my brief stating "the respondent's brief addressed both the strong facts in their case and the unfavorable facts successfully arguing why the previous decision should be affirmed regardless of those facts. The applicant's counsel did not even give so much as a cursory look at the weak facts in their case."

Naturally I was totally stoked on the inside since the other attorney had given me the "Oh you are just out of law school huh? Is this your first time in a courtroom?" line when we first met. His smug pugdy little face said it all after we shook hands at the end of the oral argument and his hand was limp*. 2 for 2 baby, I know I will not be able to keep this up, but I'm glad to get these two under my belt to give me some confidence...not to mention writing material on the blog.

*I don't understand how people can shake hands like a dead fish, especially men. I realize that might sound a little sexist but I at least expect the fellas to be able to shake my hand firmly. When someone shakes my hand with a limp handshake it just gives me the creeps. It's like I'm holding a floppy dildo.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

"Next Blog"

Has anyone every tried that button at the top of the right hand of your screen? I was a little bored at work today and tired of billing so I decided to play with blogger for a while and see what I could find. There are some crazy blogs out there. I thought my blog was whack. I've seen blogs that have:

1. Naked pictures of the bloggers themselves online (thank God I have my own office!)

2. A blog that told me why Global warming will eliminate man kind as we know it

3. A blog on how to obtain a free i-pod

4. A blog on stock market tips (why would you post this? If I knew when to sell and when to buy it would be my dirty little secret)

5. A number of foreign blogs

6. Blogs about people's family pictures including the drunk uncle that apparently every family has.

7. A blog telling me that the latest Star Wars movie comes out on DVD on November 1st in ALL CAPS with lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and last but not least

8. A blog about a crazy ass Rican lawyer from the great white north...that's right folks, I hit the "next blog" button and actually landed on my own blog.

Crazy huh? I wonder how many people found my blog like that, or when they came upon my blog what they thought (besides wow what a dork). Anyone else done this and found some interesting stuff?

Someone Tagged my Ass

Alright so it's not exactly what you would think that statement would mean. Cherry has tagged me to find out my top 10 list of turn ons and turn offs. I'm going to tag Spexial and Chadrian.

Turn Ons:
1) Sense of Humor (someone has to be able to laugh at my lame ass jokes and stories)
2) Light colored eyes
3) Big Boobs (not huge fake ones, but a good size is a must)
4) Honesty
5) Kindness towards other people
6) Personality not someone who's boring
7) Willingness to try anything once
8) To quote the great Ludacris..."A lady in the street but a freak in the bed"
9) Short spiky hair
10) Physically fit and able to play sports with me

Turn Offs:
1) Jealousy
2) Haters
3) Stank breath
4) Drama
5) Close minded people that will not attempt to see another person's point of view
6) Over analyzing everything people say or do
7) Boring people who never step outside of their safety zone
8) Body Odor
9) Clothes that don't match your body style
10) Laziness

Good Luck!

To everyone from UW that decided being licensed in Wisconsin was not good enough for you, good luck on the 2-day, 16-hour nightmare that is otherwise known as THE BAR EXAM! I'm sure you will all pass...and if you don't, hey at least you are licensed in this state!

Monday, July 25, 2005

At least I'm top 10

I found a story here that says that lawyers ranked 10th in a list of "sexiest" jobs. It seems that a high power attorney job doesn't sound quite as sexy as CEO, Fire Fighter, or Flight Attendant. I honestly can't believe that attorneys ranked in the top 10. Other than salaries at some of the big firms I don't think there is much that I would consider "sexy" about my job. If you consider drafting legal memos and briefs, researching the most minute civil procedure motion, or looking over someone's medical records sexy then damn it I guess I know a lot of people who would be considered "sexy." After being in law school for 3 years, I'm not sure there is much that I could point out that I would use the adjective "sexy" for. As has been said before, being considered the best looking girl/guy at law school is like being the valedictorian of summer school. That being said, hey we are at least top 10!

Friday, July 22, 2005


Cherry and Adrian both had posts today about protesters. I guess UW used to be a big time protest school back in the day so people who've grown up around here are kind of used to it. Even know you get people on State Street protesting about something or other. I never got the whole protest thing. Perhaps if I felt that strongly about something I might protest but I guess I just don't feel that strongly about anything (except free food in law school).

Here's the thing though, every time I see a protest or walk by a protest it makes me want to do exactly the opposite of what the people are protesting. If I see people protesting that KFC kills chickens using inhumane methods I'm likely to walk by them to pick up a Bucket of the Colonel's finest extra crispy. If people start protesting butchers and meat products, I'm probably going to start thinking about hitting up Chili's for an Oldtimer Burger. If someone is telling me that I'm going to hell for not subscribing to whatever they happen to preach that day, I'm likely to ask them how come someone who kills and maims people can go to heaven by being "saved" but I'm going to hell because I walked by you and didn't stop to chat on my way to Chipotle?

There is something to be said for people who are truly passionate about whatever cause seems to be floating their boat, let's just hope the Rican doesn't happen to walk by them and punch a hole in the stern. Man talking about all this food has made me hungry. Extra crispy anyone?

Is this really me?

Your Hidden Talent
You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Move over Potter you got Company

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a Gryffindor!

From Drunk Law

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Blog info request

Can someone tell me how to make my blog roll a little smaller and how I can get my blog list names one on top of the other w/o a space between them like I currently have? I'm blog-illiterate so any amount of help would be most appreciated!

Blogging Dorks

Lately I've had this feeling that I'm falling into the "dork/nerd blogging" category. I check my blog obsessively for comments and feel pressure to come up with something witty/clever enough to induce said comments. I thought that was bad but I was willing to live with it because I know that my fellow bloggers out there enjoy comments as much as I do (the anonymous ones suck if they are mean). I found out that Cherry had a dream about me and D, as well as D and I being the same person (even though Cherry doesn't know what I look like) so I felt safe, I knew I wasn't quite that bad yet.

However, after playing golf this weekend with Nooner this past weekend, I think I might be just as bad if not worse than Cherry. I realized this past weekend that I call people who blog by their blogger name rather than their real name. We called Moral and when she answered I didn't say her name (even though I know it) I just said hey Moral wanna golf. When I talk about other bloggers I refer to them as their blogger aliases and not their real name even though I know them. I think Homer is the only one that I still refer to by his real name. What the hell is happening to me. This damn thing that was supposed to be a hobby is turned into an addiction. It's like I don't know what to talk about with new people if they don't blog. Please fellow bloggers that I now call by their online aliases, help me out. Am I the only one that seems to be falling into this category?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Famous Blog Twin?

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door
With more than a touch of geekiness

Do I really have more than a touch of geekiness? I knew I was kind of a dork but damn that one hurt! Another thing, how can I have a famous twin blogger who I've never heard of?

Chick at Work

And, I know all the tats would scare Ho Down Sally a.k.a. He-Haw a.k.a. my co worker who skins zoo animals. Man she was on my last nerve today. She didn’t say one word all day. Then she stands up and turns into Chatty Kathy. I swear she is Bi-Polar. I’d like to hang her and skin her like a deer, hang her head on my mantle…..or monitor…… Oh, did I say that out loud? My bad. You really got to meet this chic. She is from the other side of the state and she might as well be from bumble fuck or Pleasantville. She was telling me this story one time and referring to her mom and grandmom as Mami, Maw and GrandMami. I felt like I was on “Little House on the Prairy.” I thought she was going to “Run to the Well” for a glass of water. And who eats “Deviled Ham”? Christ the sodium alone will blow her up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon/Float on the parkway. And who wears tight bright purple spandex? Who knows maybe she was auditioning for a Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s so Unusual” video. Honey, the casting for “Thriller” been over. I thought I heard her humming something like “You Must be my Lucky Star.” lol. Okay, I’m done. “BORDERLINE…….feels like I’m going to lose my mind….” Promise. Here’s to Tuesday with the Troll.

I'm also looking to get all tatted up and of course I gotta talk about how much fun Live 8 was. I love Philly even though it's all hot and shit right now and my grandma won't even open up a window...Oh shit wait a minute I'm posting this in the wrong blog ain't I Cherry?

Asshole of the Week

Sorry about skipping the award last week, I was just feeling too damn good to anoint anyone an Asshole. However, this week I'm back to normal so here we go with the prestigious honor of the Rican's Asshole of the Week Award. So without further Adieu this week's award goes to tommylawboy. It seems this Asshole has been leaving some nasty comments on a few of the bloggers on my blog roll. He used to do it anonymously (total chicken shit) but I guess he grew a pair and decided to post under a blogger name. However, if you go to his blog you see that there is no personal information about this guy. Rumor has it that he is the one that left the anonymous comment on my Mixed Signal post about how lesbians are lesbians because they can't get any (right dude that must make you gay because I'm sure you can't get any) or because they are paid by the porn industry. Pathetic dude. Congrats on this week's honor. I think you might even be the front runner for the Asshole of the Month award! Asshole!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Man I misread that!

Back in the day my boys and I used would go out about 4 nights a week. Wed nights to Chiller's for $1 drinks. Thursday night to Bar Orlando for free drinks until midnight, Friday nights to Cairo for clubbing to 3 different types of music and to meet young chicks (since it was 18 and up). Saturday night we just went wherever since there were no real drink specials.

One week I saw the same girl at every place we went to. I told my boys that if I saw her again on Friday I would run some game. I saw her and chickened out. I then told them that if she was there on Saturday it would be on like Donkey Kong! And I chickened out...

The next week I saw her again on Wednesday. I was totally smashed so my whole sense of fear was gone. I walked up to her (she was with a group of friends) with a drink that looked like a drink she was drinking (at Chiller's they serve slushies with alcohol so I just guessed by looking at the color what she was drinking) and just said hey what's up I'm Rican and I used some totally lame pickup line which she actually laughed at and we started talking and she was mad cool, totally like a guy and not a hater to admit a girl was pretty. Well I got her number and told her I'd call her sometime to see if she wanted to chill.

Thursday night we are out and I saw her again and she was like oh Rican I thought you were going to call (I was but there is the 3 day rule you gotta worry about) so we chatted it up again and it just flowed smoothly. I was like damn this girl is cool she's into the same things I'm into (except sports but hey no one is perfect) and she's not a hater. I thought man I'm all over this like white on rice baby.

Well I see her friday and everything flows well and we decide to hang out saturday night since there aren't any drink specials anyway. We were dancing for most of the night all booty shaking and bumpin and grindin and shit so you know I'm feeling like a mack right about now.

We go out saturday and just chill. We met for an early movie and decided to grab some grub after the movie. Everything was cool and the conversation flowed great. We decided to go to the beach and watch the night shuttle launch. At this point, I got the feeling that if I just made a move it would be ova baby! We were kind of holding hands (I mean they were close and they would touch), and flirting and doing the playful touching thing so I thought I was reading the signals correct.

I finally give her the Rican look (you know the look I'm talking about, you have that kind of "I'm drunk head thing going and you go in and tilt your head). I went in for the money shot, kissed her and she pulled away. I was like oh shit, I know I just popped a mint so it can't be some stank breath. She looks at me and is like what are you doing? I was like (duh!) I'm kissing you. She's like woah dude, you are cool and I'm having a blast with you but I'm a lesbian! A lesbian, I mean that's totally hot but man I just totally missed the boat there. Where the hell did I miss the sign? Did I read something wrong in the vibe? I thought to myself no wonder she could admit that the girls were hot. We were probably into the same chicks! Man to this day this has to be the worst read of my life, however, the chick is mad cool and we still talk to this day so not all is lost!

Is this True?

Your Blogging Type Is Clever and Witty
Of all blogging types, you're the best with words.
Almost every blog post you write has legendary quality.
You have a perverse sense of humor and often play devil's advocate.
Impatient and picky, you tend to go off on funny rants from time to time.

I hardly think that every post I write has legendary quality. Truthfully all I seek is the an occasional laugh and HOLLA BACK! What did the other bloggers in cyberspace find out about their blogging personality?

Friday, July 15, 2005

Comment Etiquette?

Alright we all know that I'm a total comment whore and love to come to my blog and check out the funny stuff my readers (I think I'm up to 10 double digits baby!) have to say. I also have to confess that the inspiration from this post came from none other than the fabulous Danielle so I can't take any credit for it. Lately I've been commenting all over the place. I think part of the reason is because I figure if I comment on people's blog people will comment on mine. I think Homer would call this the Fisher/Self Hater. I love to see the comments since you guys are hilarious but I usually don't respond to the comments unless I'm asked a question. Is this poor blog comment etiquette? Am I offending my readership? Please dear bloggers and friends, enlighten me about my dilemma about the correct etiquette. Do you expect responds to my comments? Thank you in advance for the windfall of comments this Fisher/self hater post is sure to bring me!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Cane Doesn't Lie!

SCORE ONE FOR THE RICAN!!!!!!!! Alright I know the person wasn't represented and it shouldn't be hard to beat someone who doesn't really know what's going on, but considering how much faith it seemed like my boss and the client had in my ability to pull this one out it felt pretty damn good (just for the record my boss seemed to think the case was a loser not that I was incompetent). I am not God's gift to litigation by any means, but I caught the lady in a lie that she was not able to get out of.

Again before you start your cheering keep in mind this lady was a 70 year-old woman but still it was a boost to the ego! Thanks for all the supporting comments though they did make me feel good even if I might have been fishing for compliments!

PS: The story behind the title has to do with a long tradition at the UW Law School where law students run across the football with a cane and top hat and throw their cane over the goal post and legend has it if you catch it then you are going to win your first case. Sure enough I caught it so it came true for me!

Great Pep Talk Boss

I only have a few seconds before I have to go to my first ever hearing. I'm excited and nervous at the same time so I decided to go to my boss' office and ask for some last minute advice/counsel. His response..."Oh don't worry if you fuck up. I've told the client you are doing the hearing and we both expect you to lose. This is a good learning experience since the exposure is so low."

Gee thanks Boss. It's good to know that you think so highly of my capabilities as an attorney! This is like having a coach put you in to the game because they are like 10 runs down in the 9th inning just so you can brag to your friends and family that you actually played. I'm thinking about pulling out my best Tom Cruise A Few Good Men impression and ask the lady (who is unrepresented) I WANT THE TRUTH! Just since everyone expects so little of me and I've always wanted to yell that in a courtroom!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

10 Reasons I'm glad I'm a guy

1. I can say that I've slept with X amount of people and I will not have the same stigma that a woman has (I personally think this is bullshit because as long as the person is safe it wouldn't matter to me if they had slept with more people than Jenna Jameson...well maybe Jenna).

2. A guy can eat like a horse and all his boys will be like damn dude that was sweet, but when a girl does it, it's like damn she's just letting herself go like kirstey alley.

3. I don't have the part of the brain that women have that causes them to analyze every little thing everyone says...look when I tell you that I'm not hungry it doesn't mean I hate your food, I'm seriously not hungry.

4. The concept of paying someone a compliment of the same sex is not a foreign concept to me, granted this doesn't go for all women but some women have a big time complex with this. I have no problem saying something like man dude you are looking ripped you must have hit the gym hard where some women would say something like oh her boobs have to be fake if they sit up like that.

5. It seems like men get better with age where as society and some other people feel like women have a shorter shelf life (again I totally don't agree with this because I tend to think that women get better with age and guys start losing feeling "down there" when they get older but hey I'll take society thinking I'm sexy because I'm starting to have gray hair at 26).

6. I don't have to put up with cramping, moodiness, being bloated and bleeding for 7 days straight once a month, AND I don't have to worry about getting prego or giving birth!

7. I can get ready to go in about 10 minutes, including shower, shave, and dressed. Granted I might not be looking as hot as some ladies do but I can still charm them with the little bit of game I got.

8. I can grab my crotch in front of thousands of people and no have no one think anything of it, but if a girl did it, look out that bitch must have a yeast infection or some other nasty shit (when for all we know the guy could be scratching his crab infested balls).

9. I only need 4 pairs of shoes, black dress shoes, brown dressy/casual shoes, sneakers and sandals. I don't have to wear uncomfortable shoes to make my calves look good.

10. And last but not least when I get into the water it's not as easy to tell that I'm cold as it is to see if a woman is cold. Her nips will be at a full tension whereas you won't be able to see that my "thing" and his two friends have suffered so much shrinkage they have actually begun to go inside my body!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Sorry I'm uninspired today so this is all I got so far.

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

It's a surprise I even got 10% conservative on this thing!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Interview From the One and Only DANIELLE!

I am being Interviewed by Danielle

If you want to be's how it works:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions, each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the questions from Danielle and my responses.

1.) If you could bring one person who passed away "back to life", who would it be?
This would be my grandmother on my dad's side. We were close and she died while I was only 7 so it feels like I missed out on a lot.

2.) If today was your last day alive, how would you spend it?
I would spend it driving around in a Ducati motorcycle on my way to go sky diving, then jump on a private jet to a Greek Island for my last night.

3.) What is the one goal you still haven't accomplished?
I haven't gotten a job somewhere in sports. I want to be involved in coaching high school sports at some point.

4.) For or against the Death penalty?
This is tough because I'm kind of on the fence. I don't think we should play God and decide who lives and who dies, I don't think this penalty deters anyone from committing a crime, BUT there are some crimes that call for the ultimate price.

5.) Cinderella or Snow White and why? (Sorry I couldn't resist)
Cinderella because she came up from the hood and was naturally pretty, I don't want some chick that is already a princess and high maintenance, I mean she needs 7 guys to satisfy her geez!

Tell me about myself!

Alright I ganked this from Cherry who stole it from some other person. I thought it was cool when I saw it on her blog so I decided to post it on mine to see if I got any responses.

Everyone (who wants to do it that is) is supposed to answer these questions in my comment section. I'm sure I'll get some interesting responses to see what ya'll think about the crazy ass rican! So take a few minutes to leave me some answers, if you are too lazy to answer all 10 just answer a few here and there. I just want to get a feel to see what you guys think about me!

1. Who are you?
2. We never met, but would you like to?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?

Holla Back at me!

Congrats JRo

I just wanted to send a quick shout out to my girl JRo. She had a baby boy this weekend. The crazy thing is that all along the doctors had said she was having a girl and I even gave her a shout out before saying the baby girl coming out would be beautiful. Well I'm sure Aaron (not Erin anymore) will be a total stud and will be racking up the ladies. Congrats and I hope you are both doing well!

Friday, July 08, 2005


I have differing opinions on leftovers. There are days where I really enjoy leftovers like leftover pizza is good stuff or pasta that has a chance to let the sauce seep further into the pasta that's good stuff too. Then there are days when they just make me sick like left over mashed potatoes or taco bell. I can't ever tell how I'm going to feel about them one day to the next but I know growing up it was looked down upon not to eat the leftovers or finish the food on your plate.

I guess I can understand that some people are just old school and don't think food should go to waste. However, that's just not the way (at least I think) people are now. I think that people are freaked out by diseases if you leave the food out too long or are just plain spoiled and want some fresh food everyday. I'm sure everyone's parents used to use that whole "well there are starving children in Somalia, Ethiopia, or whatever 3rd World African country Sally Struthers was pitching for at the time, that would love to have just a little bit of the food you refuse to eat" or "when I was younger I grew up poor and we just ate what we could." You know what I can't help what it was like when you were younger but I can help that we can eat fresh stuff everyday now. And as far as those starving kids are concerned, you can send them the leftovers since they really aren't leftovers for them. Since they didn't eat it the previous 2 days it's like a new meal for them so we can kill 2 birds with one stone. No more starving children in a Sally Struthers sponsored country who appreciate food that they think is fresh and not leftover and we get a fresh meal every day? How does that sound? Am I the only one that grew up in this crazy way?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Bombs in London

I usually try to use my blog as a lame attempt at humor. This entry is not going to be like my other entries. In case you have been in a whole or have not yet found out, there were bombs set off in London's subway system and on a double decker bus. P.M. Tony Blair says it's reasonable to conclude that this was a terrorist attack and an Islamic Group has claimed responsibility.

This is sad and naturally is bound to invoke images of September 11th all over the U.S. I simply don't understand why someone wants to make a statement that way. This is probably the most cowardly act I can think of to do. Preying on innocent citizens because you disagree with someone's politics? Please don't be such a pussy! If you have something to say or you disagree with what's going on. Be a fucking man (or woman) and come out and say it and suffer the consequences. You don't agree with President Bush, then say something about it. Don't be a coward and attack innocent people that are just trying to do their normal everyday activities. This absolutely pisses me off because it makes people suffer that don't have anything to do with these people's disagreements. My heart goes out to everyone that has suffered because of this cowardly act. I can't possibly imagine what you are going through right now. All I can say and hope for is that casualties are low and the entire world takes notice (in case you forgot about 9/11). I hate the idea of a war, and I hate that our troops are in Iraq suffering consequences, but after what happened in London today, I think someone (like the fucking UN) needs to do something about this epidemic.

Asshole of the Week

This week was kind of tough to choose just one asshole. We had Kenny Rogers (the baseball player not singer) shoving a camera and kicking it for no apparent reason. We had IOC (and French) president Jacques Chirac say that the only good thing Britain gave Europe was Mad Cow Disease (but he got his by having to state the London and not Paris won the right to host the Olympics in 2012 in front of the entire world). But both of these idiots don't match up to my asshole of the week for this week. Congratulations Richard Williams, you are the winner of the Rican's prestigious honor!

For those of you who don't know who Richard Williams is, he is the father of Venus and Serena Williams (tennis players). This guy has been weird ever since his daughters came onto the tennis scene. He's been accused of fixing their matches and deciding which one would win in a head to head match, as well as meddling with their coaching. This, however, is not the reason for the award this week. The reason why this man is my asshole of the week is because he has accused EVERYONE about being racist against his daughters and wanting them to fail. He says that tennis fails to support and promote his daughters like they do some of the other women's stars.

Well dude let me give you a reality check. Women's tennis is not that popular of a sport. Tennis in general is not that popular of a sport except for the Grand Slam tournaments and even then they struggle with ratings. Tennis has supported your daughters as well as some of the other women in tennis. They like to promote competitive balance not dominance by 2 people. How can you suggest that the world is racist against your daughter when they both signed endorsement contracts with sneaker companies that at the time were the highest $ amounts ever for women? How can you say that the umpires are racist against your daughters when they won 2 out of the 3 Grand Slam tournaments this year? Get a clue dude EVERYONE thinks referees suck. They get yelled at by everyone and they get their calls questioned everyday, your situation is nothing different.

You can't play the race card for every little thing that you don't agree with. Look dude I'm sure you and your daughters have experienced some racism. All minorities have in their lives. But this isn't 1960 bro, most people aren't so ignorant that everything they do is rooted in racism. Some people just don't like your daughters, some people prefer Maria Sharapova (she's hot), Lindsay Davenport, or any other woman. It's not because your daughters are black it's just because they choose to support someone else. People like you make me sick. You play the race card whenever it's convenient because no one really can say anything back to you w/o sounding like a racist themselves. Well you know what dude that shit is played out and for that reason you are the Asshole of the Week (probably for the month too!).

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Reminiscing about old times

D wrote today about how she's not worried about turning 29 later this month and her last year in her 20s. I gotta say I'm sure I won't feel the same way. I already feel old because I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. She writes that her 20s weren't her best years. They were absolutely my best years. During my 20s I:

1. Got my ears pierced - this may not seem like a big deal to some but back in the day I was so straight laced that it was out of the ordinary for me to do this, I also dyed my hair, goatee and had another piercing.

2. Went to college at probably the best college for me. It was enough of a party school to enjoy myself immensely but not so much that I got into (too much) trouble.

3. Was detained by the police on my 20th birthday because I told people that wanted to get into our party that was already at capacity where to park and jump the fence to get into the apartment complex.

4. Met Mojo the night I was detained by the police since he was detained along with me (my friends didn't think I should be out there by myself so they sent Mojo with and I got the poor guy arrested on his first meeting with me).

5. Went to spring break numerous times to Daytona Beach, Miami and Panama City (where Mojo was once again arrested and forced to clean our hotel for taking a piss by the security guard's door, this is after he had broken his ankle running into the water with 2 of my other friends in a scene that can only be described as the beginning of a gay porn).

6. Threw parties at my friends' houses that are still talked about today. My Quanz buddies used to joke that we would leave UCF as party legends and for a few nights during my 4 years there I'm was convinced that we were/are legends.

7. At one aforementioned party, had a police helicopter show up to break up the party, downed 5 kegs of beer in about 1 hour, had probably about 500 people in a 3 bedroom house, saw a car be moved by lifting it out of a parking spot rather then being driven off, and witness every stereotype of group walk through the door (our friends, the freaks, football players, the greeks, blacks, latinos and my dad).

8. Convinced a girl to give let me wear her bra the night of my bachelor party (as part of my "to-do" list), carried around a bowling ball shackled to my ankles and wore a blow up doll around my neck the entire night.

9. Took a massive amount of shots of Parrot Bay Rum before my wedding to calm down my nerves and actually led a conga line during the reception.

10. Left sunny Florida for the great white north known as Wisconsin to attend law school.

11. Basically made a joke out of my 3rd year of law school by drinking in class, and playing on the internet all day long (right Homer?).

So while D may not be missing her 20s after she turns 30 next year, I'm totally going to miss mine, they were, and continue to be the best times of my life.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Yeah Baby I'm Drinking with Hef

Your Aries Drinking Style

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night.
Your competitive streak makes you prone to closing time shot contests.
You're a sloppy, fun drunk, and you get mighty flirty after a couple tipples.

Getting you drunk is a good way for people to get what they want out of you, should other methods fail.
You can become bellicose when blotto, but you will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
You can be counted on to do the same for others -- so long as they haven't gone and done anything really horrible to you last night (ahem, sneaky Gemini!)
Your Signature Cocktails
Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.
Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies
Conan O'Brien, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sarah Jessica Parker, David Letterman, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, Jack Black, and Hugh Hefner.

What If...

I've always wondered "what if." I don't know why, I know it's not the way to live life but for some reason I can't help it. What would have happened had I signed out of school, I wonder what would have happened if B and I had worked out, I wonder what would have happened if I got the #1 this morning instead of the #2 at the BK drive through etc. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, to the contrary I'm actually really lucky in the sense that I have a pretty good life with a good job, wifey and (hopefully) a healthy Baby Rican on the way.

I guess it's more of me wondering where I would be had I made different choices. I think Cherry made me to think about this and write about it when she wrote about going to see a guy from her past and how she needed to see him and perhaps ask him some questions. There's a lot of people from my past that I'd love to talk to and ask a lot of questions too. I guess I just take it one step further by wondering what would happen if I had... then fill in the blank. Does this make me crazy? Is it insane for me to wonder what it would be like if I was still single (I mean besides me having some major game, j/k). Would I fill out a profile on, try to go back after B and see if I could convince her to give us a shot, would I even still be in Wisconsin (probably not!) perhaps fly to Philly to meet someone new who knows. Man this is the crazy shit that's going through my mind. My loyal readers (all 7 of you), am I losing my mind? Please tell me (since I'm a comment whore!).

Monday, July 04, 2005


Happy 4th of July everyone. Here's hoping everyone out there that reads my blog has lots of good times today including but not limited to, good grilled food, lots of fireworks, insane amounts of alcohol and some naughty stories to tell your friends about in the morning!

Friday, July 01, 2005


You Are Vanilla Ice Cream
Your personality is anything but "vanilla" You're a risk taker, who's up for anything new.
You go well with anyone and fit into any situation.
You are most compatible with rocky road ice cream.

I'm not surprised since this is like my fav flava.

A What Not to Say to a Prego Wifey Guide for Men

This is a post to all the fellas out there that might one day knock up a spouse or perhaps has a prego spouse right now. Conversation this morning:

Wifey: I'm having a fat day!

Rican: What do you mean?

Wifey: Well the clothes are getting tighter and I just feel bigger.

Rican: Well of course you do, I noticed that your stomach IS getting bigger.

Wifey: So you think I'm fat?!?!?

Rican: No what I meant was that your stomach is starting to show now so of course the clothes are going to get bigger because you ARE getting bigger.

Wifey: So I'm fat then that's what you are saying?

Rican: No not fat, just prego so naturally your belly will get bigger since Baby Rican is growing.

Wifey: Why didn't you say it like that the first time without having to point out that I'm getting bigger and that my stomach is getting bigger.

Rican: Sorry, I forgot about the prego hormones.

Wifey: Don't blame your ignorance on my hormones.

Rican: OK, sorry.

Fellas, when wifey gets prego DO NOT mention the weight gain. I thought this was the one time it would be OK to agree with the woman that she's getting bigger but if anything it makes the situation worse. Never tell her that her stomach is getting bigger and that she's starting to show. Lastly, don't blame shit on their hormones. WE know that their hormones and (I think) they know too, they just don't like it being thrown in their face. They really need to make a "how to" guide on dealing with prego wifeys.
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